PTIJ: What's the correct bracha for that most traditional Jewish food, the bacon cheeseburger? [closed]

Question

What's the correct bracha for a bacon cheeseburger?

If it's on a bread roll, it's easy, hamotzi, but what if it's on a delectable mazonot roll? What if it's served in a lettuce wrap?

Does it make a difference if it's milchig, fleishig, pareve, vegetarian, or vegan?

What about crunchy condiments like BacOs (OU Pareve)? Do they even count towards the minhag of eating bacon cheeseburgers on Purim?

You can't put salmon bacon on a beef burger, of course, and turkey bacon on a mushroom burger doesn't appeal to my personal tastes, but there's a huge variety of choices that are available to suit just about anyone's preferences. (Speaking of personal preferences, though, as of 2024 most pareve cheese is suboptimal, in my mind. Seitan bacon, nut and bean burger, and real Cheddar cheese is my recommendation.)

This question is Purim Torah and is not intended to be taken completely seriously. See the Purim Torah policy.

Answer 1

PURIM TORAH IN JEST

*In honor of Purim, my rebbe gave me a note that said to make kaddish before reading this. Or it could be kiddish. I'm not sure, he didn't write out the vowels and I don't sight-read that well. Better do both. Or neither. I don't know. Good luck.

First of all, if it's a vegan burger with vegan cheese on a vegan bun, you don't make a blessing, because that's not food. G-d pours out his lovingkindness on you with the Texas bracha, "Bless his heart!"

But if you're an Orthodox Roman Jew, you need to follow the Rituale Romanum to the letter. And the key ingredient is the bacn. Bacn is made from a swine-like animal called a Baku, which according to Evil Monkey's Guide to Kosher Imaginary Animals, is really a dream-devouring tapir. Most people just call it a 'pig,' but not in a disparaging way, because they're sensitive. Generally not considered kosher, though.

If the pig/baku was shecht on a Tuesday evening - which is the 3rd day of the week, it's definitely not kosher. Unless it was also bought on Wednesday - the fourth day. Then 3rd day plus 4th day equals Shabbat in spirit, so it's sanctified. If the shoket is Reform, that's easy - the bracha is min haaretz, because it will be a vegan pig. Rav Seinfeld disagrees, though. According to sources, kosherness is determined by how they kill the pig.

Further information is available through Rav Kadoozy's miracle network, for a small donation. Make your check out to "Jono."

Be well!