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Why don't Jews believe the Messiah has come? It's clear from all the Scriptures that He has come! We should all believe in Him! As it is written (Isaiah 53)

But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities

and indeed Our Lord and Savior Zaphod was wounded by the robots of Krikkit (Life 9). As He said Himself (Life 26)

I don't know, they could have killed me, but they didn't.

a clear reference to the Resurrection. And then his ship! It is called Heart of Gold, an allusion to his Davidic ancestry (for David dawid has the same numerological value as Gold zahab). Moreover, about the Messiah it is written (Isaiah 7)

a virgin shall conceive1

obviously a reference to Zaphod, about whom is written (Restaurant 3)

There was an accident with a contraceptive and a time machine.

So why don't the Jewish people accept Him?

1 To be perfectly clear, this inaccurate translation is part of the Purim Torah. Don't rely on it in real life!

This question is Purim Torah and is not intended to be taken completely seriously. See the Purim Torah policy.

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  • 1
    Related: judaism.stackexchange.com/q/6305/5
    – Seth J
    Commented Feb 19, 2015 at 14:41
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    Also related (for real): judaism.stackexchange.com/q/6306/5
    – Seth J
    Commented Feb 19, 2015 at 14:42
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    This question is highly offensive to Zaphod HHOLSZTJMS"W (His Holiness our Lord and Savior Zaphod the True Jewish Messiah and Savior of the World) by comparing him implicitly even as Prim Torah to יש"ו a renowned failure often referred to as the bastard of bethlehem I think you owe Zaphod HHOLSZTJMS"W an apology :)
    – mevaqesh
    Commented Feb 19, 2015 at 17:42
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    This is absolutely ridiculous. +1
    – Y     e     z
    Commented Feb 19, 2015 at 20:48
  • Related.
    – msh210 ♦
    Commented Feb 4, 2017 at 19:48

4 Answers 4

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This was asked of the noted theologician Gag Halfrunt, and he explained, "Vell, Zaphod's just zis guy, you know".

"Just zis guy." Nothing more.

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    This answer was good enough for the checkmark, but then there was that other answer that was even better for it. Sorry. +1, though.
    – msh210 ♦
    Commented Feb 20, 2015 at 4:30
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Like other false claimants, he doesn't meet the requirements.

According to this post I found on some Jewish Q&A site, also here, according to the Rambam the moshiach must:

  • be Jewish
  • be a king from the house of David
  • observe the torah
  • rebuild the Beit Hamikdash (temple) and gather in the exiles

We don't know if Zaphod is Jewish, though as an alien from the vicinity of Betelgeuse his credentials are suspect. At the very least, since he is not human then it would take some rather unusual turns of events (and science) for him to be descended from David HaMelech.

Suppose he were somehow a Jewish descendant of David. It's not clear that his brief term as President of the galaxy counts as kingship; any impact his rule had on Israel has gone unnoticed. But, for the sake of argument, let's say that counts.

Does Zaphod observe the torah? Well for one thing, he's a brazen and unrepentant thief; get back to us when he pays damages for that starship. Reports of a lifestyle that is rather incompatible with the laws of tziniut (modesty) also abound. And then there's the Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster, which includes as an ingredient a (dissolved) tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Do we really believe that any kind of tiger is kosher? The burden of proof is on Mr. Beeblebrox.

If Zaphod Beeblebrox observes the torah, it is only in the sense of "observe" that means "watches it whoosh by his heads while he's out for a stroll".

But let's set all that aside for the moment. The moshiach must also rebuild the Temple and gather in the exiles of Yisrael. On a planet that no longer exists. How does that work?

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  • @CliffordDurousseau I pointed some friends to some older PT questions including this one, and then realized that my language choices here weren't as accessible as they could be. (I actually remember noticing that once during the "off season" but couldn't edit then.)
    – Monica Cellio
    Commented Mar 7, 2019 at 20:54
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We can't accept him because no authority has yet given a valid hechsher to Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster.

Besides, we cannot really accept someone with 2 heads. We believe that he is one and his name is one..

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Oolon Coloophid would argue that Isaiah played a few too many rounds of Brockian Ultra Cricket before setting pen to parchment.

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