Resources for teaching chassan classes

Question

I am looking for books that deal primarily with the halachos in Orach Chaim siman 240 and Even HaEzer siman 25. Due to the nature of the content it seems that the world has been reluctant to put out books that delve into the specifics of each halacha.

2 books that I currently own and I find very helpful are Kuntres Ufakadetah Navchah written by Rabbi Fink in New York. The other is Mishkan Yisrael written by Rabbi Shlanger in Jerusalem. (And of course, the Mishna Brurah).

Are there any other books that deal with these halachos in depth?

(Suggestions about other resources that might be helpful for teaching chasan classes are also welcome.)

Answer 1

Some of this was summarized in a previous answer here. There are many opinions about this stuff, by the way.

Rabbi Yehuda Herzl Henkin's Bnei Banim 4:16 is a MUST READ.

It addresses the halachic angle on some of these matters, while Rabbi Aharon Lichtenstein's "Of Marriage: Relationship and Relations" (Tradition 39:2) addresses the "hashkafic" (philosophical) angle.

Here's some vitally important material that the Steipler Rav wrote for chassanim.

Yocheved Debow's book for parents is also important. (Especially as chosson teachers may find themselves answering questions that parents never did.)

In short, some of this was left as oral law. You'll notice that the language is different even within the Shulchan Aruch between OC240 ("how to be a very holy person") and EH25 ("how to treat your wife.") Rabbi Henkin's essay goes through some of the frustrations in trying to determine what laws on this subject were codified how and where. There are contemporary opinions that run the gamut from "everything in OC240 is absolute halacha, plus a bunch more things are assur too" to "these reflect a certain set of minhagim that may be recommended in some situations, and occasionally an ascetic philosophy that is not the right one for our time."

Personally? I recommend chasanim not read OC240. We decry how damaging inappropriate videos are to marital relationships because their focus is "whatever makes me feel good, I don't have to think of the woman as a person with her own feelings, wants, and needs"; as the Steipler letter points out, some of the ascetic material in our rabbinic literature (which as Rabbi Lichtenstein points out, leaves us perplexed where it came from) seems to say: "just do whatever gives you least pleasure so you can be holy", ignoring that there's another human being in the room with their own feelings, wants, and needs. A martyrdom attitude -- "I will try to totally ignore my wants whatsoever and only do what I think is good for the other person" -- tends not to work in normal relationships either. This has to be about two people who respect each other and work together.

Answer 2

Rabbi Eliezer Melamed has a sefer on this topic in his Peninei Halacha Series called "שמחת הבית וברכתו". You can buy it at many Israeli seforim stores; it's harder to come by in America, but the entire book is also available online here.

Answer 3

One of the best resources on this topic is a series of shiurim by Rav Yitzchok Berkovitz (currently Rosh Yeshiva of Aish Hatorah) that he gave to avreichim (I believe they were in the Jerusalem Kollel, his rabbinic training program.)

It's about 15 classes. The first three are introductory to the concept of kedusha, prishus, taava. Then he goes through the halachos in OC240, speaking out the practical halacha and practical guidance with them in a very tzanua way.

One of his unique points is discussing conflict in these areas. i.e. if the Shulchan aruch says a certain thing is assur/discouraged, but a wife desires it, when do we say that the chiyuv onah- providing pleasure to one's wife- overrides the issur aspect?

It's a great combination of hashkafa and halachic guidelines, especially for someone who has already studied these halachos inside the Mishna berurah.

His last class there addresses the issues of why not teach these halachos more publicly, and when yes to share these etc.

I don't think these are published online (especially in light of that last point!) but these classes are possible to obtain, especially if you know talmidim of his.