Questions tagged [purim-torah-in-jest]

THIS QUESTION IS ONLY IN JEST. "Purim Torah" is humorous and satirical writings customarily read on the Jewish holiday of Purim. Mi Yodeya has a great collection of Purim Torah, under this tag. For our collection of *real* Q&A about Judaism, see our home page: judaism.stackexchange.com.

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47
votes
5answers
5k views

Rejecting others' friend requests on Facebook [closed]

Inspired by this question: If one receives a friend request on Facebook, especially from another Jew, is it permissible to reject them? On the one hand, "חברים כל ישראל" - "All Jews are friends"; ...
45
votes
13answers
2k views

PTIJ: Haman was Basar b’Chalav, so how could we eat him? [closed]

Esther 3:5 says, “וימלא המן חמה” Haman was filled with butter. This would presumably make his flesh basar b’chalav, but Shemos 16:35 clearly says “ובני ישראל אכלו את־המן” the Children of Israel ate ...
36
votes
8answers
3k views

PTIJ: Using the Force on Shabbat [closed]

What halachic considerations must a Jewish Jedi take into account before using the Force on Shabbat? This question is Purim Torah and is not intended to be taken completely seriously. See the Purim ...
33
votes
5answers
731 views

Is PDF avodah zarah (idol worship)? [closed]

A good rabbi always anticipates questions before they're asked, so when you start asking Rabbi Google "how do i convert to...", he's quick to suggest Judaism. And Islam. And Christianity. And PDF. So ...
31
votes
9answers
4k views

PTIJ: Which Dr. Seuss books should one obtain? [closed]

The Torah warns us that we should not accumulate too many Dr. Seuss books, as it states in Deuteronomy 17:16 רַק, לֹא-יַרְבֶּה-לּוֹ סוּסִים One should not amass Seusses Being that one should ...
28
votes
12answers
9k views

PTIJ: What is the Torah preferred brand of cell phone? [closed]

I have heard of Kosher phones. What do the classic sources (preferably Rishonim or earlier) say about the preferred type and brand of cell phone? This question is Purim Torah and is not intended to ...
28
votes
5answers
3k views

Surviving the zombie apocalypse? [closed]

One of Maimonidies 13 principles of faith is believing in the resurrection of the dead wherein the dead will arise from their graves. My question is have chazal provided any guidelines for how we are ...
27
votes
6answers
4k views

PTIJ: How can I halachically kill a vampire? [closed]

Just to be safe, I've been reading up on how to vanquish a vampire. Never hurts to be too careful. From what I've read, it seems that many authorities agree that the simplest and surest way to kill a ...
24
votes
5answers
514 views

√-1 - mi yodeya? [closed]

Who knows √-1? The traditional Passover song "Echad - mi yodeya" implies a possible presupposition that there is a Jewish significance to be found for each number. What significant Judaism facts are ...
24
votes
2answers
1k views

Which spouse should get up, according to G-d's advice/plan? [closed]

In Proverbs 19:21 we have עֲצַת ה' הִיא תָקוּם I understand this to be on the topic of division of labor between a man and his wife, in particular which one should wake up early in the morning to ...
23
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8answers
7k views

What does Judaism think of math? [closed]

Is it permissible according to halacha to do math? If so, are all kinds of math OK? This question and its answers are Purim Torah and are not intended to be taken completely seriously. See the Purim ...
23
votes
3answers
861 views

PTIJ: whats the diffrence [closed]

Whits teh difference btween arur hAman and Baruch mosses? -- This question is Purim Torah and is not intended to be taken completely seriously. See the Purim Torah policy
22
votes
4answers
2k views

What's up with this strange new hechsher? [closed]

All of a sudden, I’ve seen the hechsher shown in these photos popping up on various products. I’ve never seen it before, and I don’t see it listed on any of the usual online hechsher lists. Have ...
22
votes
6answers
4k views

How should a werewolf celebrate Pesach? [closed]

Werewolves are known for their transformation at the full moon. Unfortunately, for Jewish werewolves, this poses problems with holidays such as Pesach, Sukkot, (Shushan Purim, Pesach Sheini, Tu ...
22
votes
3answers
2k views

PTIJ: How local does my rabbi need to be? [closed]

I've seen several comments on this site that say to check with your local rabbi to get a final decision on what you should practically do. My question is about how local, exactly, my rabbi needs to ...
21
votes
2answers
845 views

What are the consequences of Vashti’s dual nature? [closed]

In Esther 1:9 we read, “ושתי המלכה עשתה משתי נשים” Vashti the queen was made of two women. Aside from being biologically surprising, what are the consequences of this in our understanding of the ...
20
votes
4answers
3k views

PTIJ: Why can't I eat anything? [closed]

I was perusing a a Mishna, as one is wont to do, when I came across a slightly unnerving phrase in Nedarim 7:8: אָסוּר לֶאֱכֹל he may not eat Well, that was a bit disconcerting. I happen to ...
20
votes
4answers
939 views

Why don't Jews accept Our Lord and Savior? [closed]

Why don't Jews believe the Messiah has come? It's clear from all the Scriptures that He has come! We should all believe in Him! As it is written (Isaiah 53) But he was wounded for our ...
19
votes
6answers
4k views

PTIJ: If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? [closed]

The classic philosophical question: If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? So, according to Purim Torah Judaism, does it? Sources please. ;) This ...
19
votes
4answers
882 views

heresy on Purim [closed]

On Purim we're supposed to engage in מִשְׁלוֹחַ מִנוּת, the sending of heresy to our fellow Jews. What are some pieces of heretical literature that are appropriate for sending on Purim? Or ones you'd ...
19
votes
4answers
2k views

PTIJ: How do I get out of lending a hand? [closed]

I am left-handed, and my friend recently pointed out to me that everyone has a right to use my left arm. He proved it from Shulchan Aruch Orach Chaim 27:6, where it says (and they translated): אטר.....
19
votes
3answers
1k views

Is the “Special K” a reliable hechsher? [closed]

Recently, I saw this logo on a package of cereal: I couldn't locate any information on the web about this kosher symbol. Is this hechsher reliable? Who is the head mashgiach? This question is Purim ...
19
votes
2answers
471 views

Laws of yichud in the Soviet Union [closed]

In Soviet Union, is there heter for man and woman to seclude in same room if there is chazaka that KGB is watching? This question is Purim Torah and is not intended to be taken completely seriously. ...
18
votes
6answers
4k views

If Rabbi Google quotes Mi Yodeya, can i rely on his advice? [closed]

The Israeli Rabbinate is considering granting smicha (rabbinic ordination) to Google. Now, assuming he gets accepted, what if Rabbi Google's answer is to look at Mi Yodeya? Mi Yodeya's policy states ...
18
votes
6answers
216 views

PTIJ: How do I know if MiYodeya cookies are kosher? What should I do on Pesach? [closed]

I understand many Internet sites including MiYodeya use cookies during authentication and leave them on my computer. I find this highly concerning for two reasons even if my computer is not Jewish, I ...
18
votes
3answers
1k views

What is the bracha when one eats the Torah? [closed]

I keep seeing all these questions which discuss "Purim Torah, Ingest" but they don't seem to address the rules of actually ingesting the Torah. I don't know how to treat the Torah when I eat it. If ...
18
votes
3answers
198 views

PTIJ: What are my options if a server rejects a POST or PUT request? [closed]

I'm aware that if a server rejects a GET request, such as in the case of a 414 error for the URI being too long, I can force it to fulfill the GET request by having the server beaten, as the Talmud in ...
18
votes
2answers
523 views

Why did I become queen? [closed]

I'm Ester from the Purim story. My uncle Mordechai advised me to ask here on Mi Yodeya why Hashem made me queen of Persia, as it says: וּמִי יוֹדֵעַ אִם לְעֵת כָּזֹאת הִגַּעַתְּ לַמַּלְכוּת So, ...
17
votes
4answers
725 views

Am I yotzei bikur cholim by visiting someone's Facebook page? [closed]

Since people increasingly live their lives online can I be yotzei the mitzvah of bikur cholim by visting the choleh's Facebook page? This question is Purim Torah and is not intended to be taken ...
17
votes
3answers
584 views

PTIJ: May Sauron’s Ring be used for kiddushin? [closed]

May the One Ring be used to be mekadesh a woman? At least from one perspective, the Ring seems ideal, given the verse: אַשׁ נַזְגּ דֻּרְבַּתֻּלֻקּ, אַשׁ נַזְגּ גִּמְבַּתֻּלּ , אַשׁ נַזְגּ ת׳...
17
votes
2answers
3k views

PTIJ: Should I kill my computer after installing software? [closed]

Shemot 22:17 says that a wizard should not live. When I buy a new computer or if I've inherited a computer and I install new software, it frequently involves a wizard to set it up or install it. What ...
16
votes
6answers
2k views

Who is this Lamar? [closed]

I recently wished the Bam community a happy Rosh Chodesh, and Isaac responded (or at least attempted to respond - he seemed to have begun his Purim festivities early) with: וכן למר Also Lamar! ...
16
votes
5answers
4k views

How to eat Wacky Mac [closed]

Purim is pretty clearly the wackiest day of the Jewish calendar, and of course the preferred main course for the festive meal is Wacky Mac. Now, as we all know Wacky Mac has four different components: ...
16
votes
11answers
1k views

Who made the cholent? [closed]

Every week my wife and I have this problem. My wife cuts the potatoes and onions, adds the barley, beans and meat. But I spice the cholent! I always claim I'm the one who made it because we pasken taa'...
16
votes
5answers
2k views

Can one go back in time to complete a minyan? [closed]

Can one go back in time in order to complete a minyan, when his past self is already one of the minyan men? On one hand, the requirement for ten men is met. On the other, two of these men are ...
16
votes
3answers
2k views

Is a diamond (♦) part of a moderator's name? [closed]

Assuming that moderators are on-topic; how are they called up for an aliyah? Is the diamond mentioned? It's been discussed before elsewhere on the network, though with an appalling lack of Jewish ...
16
votes
6answers
183 views

PTIJ: Can't find the fifth chelek of shulchan aruch [closed]

People keep telling me that I need to get the fifth section of Shulchan Aruch. I'm not really sure how everyone seems to know that I don't already have this chelek, but since so many people have been ...
16
votes
3answers
313 views

PTIJ: Why do Ipods come in only 3 colors? [closed]

Shemot 28:6 says: ועשו את האפוד זהב תכלת וארגמן You shall make the Ipod gold, blue and scarlet Why does the Torah limit making the Ipod only in these 3 colors? What's so special about these 3 ...
15
votes
3answers
481 views

How big did Mordechai get, and was it only in the king's palace? [closed]

According to the Megillah (9:4), Mordechai grew to a very large size whenever he was in the king's palace (כִּי־גָדוֹל מָרְדֳּכַי בְּבֵית הַמֶּלֶךְ ... כִּי־הָאִישׁ מָרְדֳּכַי, הוֹלֵךְ וְגָדוֹל). How ...
15
votes
3answers
1k views

PTIJ: Perl Programming in the Torah [closed]

According to Rav xkcd (an oft quoted authority in Bam), the universe was written in perl. Since the Torah is the blueprint of creation, it follows that it must contain a Perl Programming manual. Where ...
15
votes
3answers
1k views

Why did the ignorant rabbis have to convert to Judaism? [closed]

Esther 9:17 says: ורבים מעמי הארץ מתיהדים "The ignorant rabbis became Jewish" I thought rabbis are already Jewish, even if they are ignorant! Why did they have to convert? This question is Purim ...
15
votes
3answers
1k views

Why do we play bagpipes, get drunk, and wear green on Moshe Rabbeinu's Yahrzeit [closed]

So today is Moshe Rabbeinu's Yahrzeit, and there are many people in the streets commemorating this by wearing green and drinking. There is also a large prevalence of bagpipes. I was wondering what ...
15
votes
4answers
246 views

PTIJ: Beged ish(ah) for gravatars? [closed]

I know that halacha has limits on wearing items of the wrong gender (beged ish or beged ishah, depending on whose clothes we're talking about). Does this extend to people's online projections, i.e. ...
14
votes
4answers
3k views

Is the Torah in the public domain? (If not, what license is it?) [closed]

The public domain is, put simply, a collection of works that can be used by anyone, that are not copyrighted. Is the Torah in the public domain? If not, how can we be printing and copyrighting it? ...
14
votes
5answers
1k views

Neder to not eat pizza [closed]

If I make a vow to not eat pizza, what can I not eat? On the one hand, it would seem that bread with sauce and cheese on it is called pizza, as that is what they give you in a pizza shop when you ...
14
votes
6answers
213 views

PTIJ: How does Hashem code with BYNH? [closed]

I'm writing an astrophysics emulator, and wanted to get as close to the original implementation as possible. The official history is a bit vague, but it's a badly-kept secret (transcribed in "Kel Adon"...
14
votes
4answers
425 views

Announcing the clock change in English? [closed]

It is well-known that the age-old, widespread, and correct practice is to announce the molad on the Shabbat preceding Rosh Chodesh specifically in the holy language of Yiddish. In contrast to this, in ...
14
votes
4answers
516 views

PTIJ: Aliyot for the deceased [closed]

Many people use the phrasing "may the Neshama have an Aliyah" at a shiva, shloshim, or yahrtzeit celebration. Which aliyah is better to give to the deceased? Shlishi, Shishi, or Maftir? Also, when ...
14
votes
2answers
658 views

PTIJ: Can I tell you what’s on my mind? [closed]

When people ask me what’s on my mind, they’ll say “a penny for your thoughts.” When I take the initiative to tell them what’s on my mind, it’s putting in my “two cents.” We’re commanded not to ...
13
votes
5answers
847 views

How did my rabbi kasher his iPhone? [closed]

My local Orthodox rabbi regularly sends me emails about upcoming events, minyanim, etc. I notice that at the bottom of each message it says "Sent from my kosher iPhone". How did he kasher his phone? ...