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Questions tagged [purim-torah-in-jest]

THIS QUESTION IS ONLY IN JEST. "Purim Torah" is humorous and satirical writings customarily read on the Jewish holiday of Purim. Mi Yodeya has a great collection of Purim Torah, under this tag. For our collection of *real* Q&A about Judaism, see our home page: judaism.stackexchange.com.

-4
votes
1answer
172 views

How do you spell “Ahasuerus”? [closed]

Is there actually any way to spell the word "Ahasuerus," or is it simply not possible? What about when Moshiach comes?? This question is Purim Torah and is not intended to be taken completely ...
4
votes
0answers
80 views

Does the messiah have no share in God? [closed]

The סידור תהלת ה׳ is widely used by Chabad-Lubavitch people and synagogues everywhere. It is, if anything is, the official prayer book of Chabad-Lubavitch. Here's what it has to say (immediately after ...
5
votes
2answers
213 views

PTIJ - Why does Rabeinu Hanan'el wear that hat? [closed]

Every time I happen to glance over in the direction of Rabeinu Hanan'el on a daf of Gemara, it seems he is wearing an odd flat-shaped hat. What's with that — is it a fashion statement of some kind? ...
12
votes
3answers
239 views

Who is Herbert? [closed]

Throughout my learning, I keep encountering this fellow Herbert, although he's always referred to by his nickname Herb. I've seen him referred to in many different contexts. Sometimes he's a story ...
11
votes
2answers
172 views

Why do pigs bring people back to life? [closed]

From the brachot hashachar that we say every morning: ברוך אתה יי, המחזיר נשמות לפגרים מתים Blessed are You, Lord, that from a pig, souls are [brought] to dead bodies. Why do pigs bring souls ...
2
votes
1answer
109 views

Where do we find the Haman was a Shadchan? [closed]

The Megilla says "כי המן בן-המדתא האגגי צורר כל היהודים" - Haman found co-wives for all Jews. Implying that he was a Shadchan. Where do we find his involvement in Shadchanus? This question is Purim ...
2
votes
1answer
168 views

It's Winter. Florida's not participating [closed]

Is Florida in violation of the passuk in Bereishis 8:22: עֹ֖ד כָּל־יְמֵ֣י הָאָ֑רֶץ זֶ֡רַע וְ֠קָצִיר וְקֹ֨ר וָחֹ֜ם וְקַ֧יִץ וָחֹ֛רֶף וְי֥וֹם וָלַ֖יְלָה לֹ֥א יִשְׁבֹּֽתוּ׃ Furthermore, all the ...
5
votes
1answer
77 views

PTIJ - Please resolve apparent conflict on what was supposed to be thrown for the plaugue of boils [closed]

There appears to be a conflict between what G-d says should be thrown skyward for the plague of boils (שחין) and what was actually done. In Shemot 9:8, when G-d is saying what should occur, it says: ...
-1
votes
1answer
333 views

Why are religious Jews so rude [closed]

Having walked around Brooklyn, I know that religious Jews never pay attention to others, and won't even reply to a friendly "hello" on the street. However, last year around this time it was even worse....
5
votes
5answers
151 views

Judging the People in Mea Shearim [closed]

The last line of Tehillim 98 says "ישפט תבל בצדק ועמים במאה שערים" - "He will judge the world with righteousness and people in Mea Shearim." Why will Hashem only judge the people in Mea Shearim? ...
33
votes
5answers
705 views

Is PDF avodah zarah (idol worship)? [closed]

A good rabbi always anticipates questions before they're asked, so when you start asking Rabbi Google "how do i convert to...", he's quick to suggest Judaism. And Islam. And Christianity. And PDF. So ...
5
votes
1answer
166 views

Why do we make a Bracha to Arabify the Arabs? [closed]

Every night we make a Bracha בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יְהֹוָה, הַמַּעֲרִיב עֲרָבִים - which means to Arabify the Arabs. Why do we care how Arabic are Arabs? This question is Purim Torah and is not intended ...
2
votes
3answers
65 views

On wings of your garments? [closed]

As it says in Kriat Shema: ״ועשו להם ציצת על כנפי בגדיהם וגו׳״ Specifically what kind of wings should the garment have. Should it be a dove? Since it's from a kosher bird. Or should it be an eagle? ...
4
votes
1answer
63 views

Where does kabbala write about what time the sabbath ends? [closed]

I got a calendar in the mail from some charity. It lists the times to begin and end the sabbath. It's written in Hebrew. Here's this week's: הד״נ 17:02 מוצש״ק מקובל 18:17 ר״ת 18:56 That ...
3
votes
3answers
188 views

PTIJ: Purim night laws or customs [closed]

It says in Ester "בערב היא באה", "in the evening she would arrive", and we learn many important halachos of Purim from that. I wonder, then: are there any laws or customs specific to the night of ...
1
vote
3answers
144 views

PTIJ: Why do we honor sailors every Erev Shabbos [closed]

The famous song Shalom Aleichem (though I am not sure what connection the Yiddish author has with shabbos) starts each verse greeting a group of sailors (Shalom Aleichem malachei) since מלח means ...
0
votes
1answer
72 views

Who are the kings of peace? [closed]

I recently heard someone welcome in to their home kings of peace in the famous song Shalom Aleichem instead of angels. Who are these kings of peace? Most (if not all) kings in Tanakh were involved in ...
3
votes
1answer
105 views

PTIJ: Who are the Assistant kings? [closed]

I was recently a guest at the home of Reb Yid for Leil Shabbos. He sang a song as follows שלום אליכם מלכי השריס מלכיליון... Sholom Aleichem Malchei HaShoreis Malcheiyelyon... Who are these assistant ...
8
votes
3answers
233 views

Making a super-kosher meal for my dad [closed]

I'm making my father his favorite meal, and he's - I mean, I'm - super-religious, so it has to be super-kosher. I want to make sure that every aspect is as kosher as you can get it, and I think I've ...
6
votes
1answer
100 views

What do Agag, April Fools, and Mt. Sinai have to do with each other? [closed]

It's a known rule in Gematrias, that any words with the same Gematria (or off by one) have a connection. Now the Gematria of אֲגַג מֶלֶךְ עֲמָלֵק is 337, the Gematria of אחד באפריל is 336, and Har ...
5
votes
6answers
142 views

Where is Simcha? [closed]

There is a Jewish statement from R. Nachman which states "mitzva gedola lehiyos b'simcha tamid" It is a great mitzvah to be in Simcha, always. I know that that's the place where I should worship ...
2
votes
2answers
113 views

“What do they do with the rest of the Matzah?” [closed]

I don't know how many times I've been sitting and enjoying some matzah ball soup, with both Jews and non-Jews, and someone asks: "...so what do they do with the rest of the matzah?" I've always ...
1
vote
4answers
125 views

PTIJ: “And Eisav is to me a sanctuary” [closed]

In continuation of my previous question concerning how Eisav is like tzitzit, I have another Eisav-based question on the Torah. In this week's parsha (Terumah), I became extremely confused on this ...
2
votes
4answers
200 views

Why didn't Esther bring a nose with her to the party? [closed]

Esther invites the king and Haman to a party. Haman returns home from the party and calls his wife and his loved ones and says (Esther 5): אף לא הביאה אסתר המלכה עם המלך אל המשתה אשר עשתה... ...
16
votes
5answers
4k views

How to eat Wacky Mac [closed]

Purim is pretty clearly the wackiest day of the Jewish calendar, and of course the preferred main course for the festive meal is Wacky Mac. Now, as we all know Wacky Mac has four different components: ...
0
votes
4answers
164 views

PTIJ: How could Proverbs say that there's no such thing as a woman of valor? [closed]

As Proverbs 31:10 says: ?!אֵשֶׁת-חַיִל? מִי יִמְצָא A woman of valor? Can such a thing really be found?! Clearly, the implication of the pasuk is that there is no such thing as a woman of ...
0
votes
2answers
88 views

Should you say “Refu'ah Shleima” or “Hatov Vehameitiv” first to someone who has laryngitis? [closed]

Let's say that you have a fairly close friend who talks too much lashon hara. You try to warn your friend not to speak so much gossip, but, your friend doesn't listen. You're getting annoyed at all ...
4
votes
4answers
95 views

“Eisav is to you tzitzit” [closed]

Bamidbar 15:38 דבר אל-בני ישראל ואמרת אלהם ועשו להם ציצת על-כנפי בגדיהם לדרתם Speak to Bnei Yisrael and say to them, "Eisav is to them tzitzit on the corners of their garments, throughout ...
1
vote
3answers
131 views

Does Judasim Consider Pioneers Inferior [closed]

According to Orthodox Judaism, pioneers may not marry kohanim, as stated in Yevamot (2:4): איסור קדושה אלמנה לכהן גדול גרושה וחלוצה לכהן הדיוט A prohibition [stemming from a need to be] holy ...
1
vote
2answers
67 views

Why is it forbidden to go out on Shabbat with Yerushalayim Shel Zahav? [closed]

The Mishnah Shabbat 6:1 states: במה אשה יוצאה ובמה אינה יוצאה. ... ולא בעיר של זהב. The commentaries explain that the "City of Gold" is Yerushalayim. Why is it forbidden to go out with ...
5
votes
3answers
693 views

Do Lubavitcher's have to pay double for stealing Rabbeinu Tam's Tefillin? [closed]

There's a Lubavitcher in my shul who takes off his tefillin during the middle of Shacharit, and puts on another one. I asked him what he's doing - why is he putting on a different pair of tefillin. ...
1
vote
4answers
244 views

What is the Torah preferred beer recommendation? [closed]

As has already been noted in a previous question, beer is a basic necessity for answering some questions. I was wondering, have our holy Sages given us any guidance about specific brands, flavors, or ...
1
vote
2answers
72 views

One who doesn't shuckle sins? [closed]

The Mishnah in Shkalim (1:4) records a Machlokes regarding Kohanim: א״ר יהודה העיד בן בוכרי ביבנה כל כהן ששוקל אינו חוטא. אמר לו ר׳ יוחנן לא כן אלא כל כהן שאינו שוקל חוטא. R' Yehudah said, ...
-1
votes
3answers
122 views

Why is it so important not to miss the last time for Krishna? [closed]

Every Shabbat morning, one of my neighbors arises early in the morning and starts to pray fervently and shakes his body back and forth. I ask him what he's doing, and he says, "don't interrupt me! I ...
10
votes
9answers
537 views

What is Birkat Amazon? [closed]

My friend told me that after I eat I piece of bread I must say Birkat Amazon. I like Amazon.com; I order many things from them. And, I guess I should say a blessing for Amazon, but, it seems more ...
3
votes
1answer
109 views

Why is it prohibited to show a movie about a dead person? [closed]

In Vayikra 19:28, it says  וְשֶׂרֶט לָנֶפֶשׁ, לֹא תִתְּנוּ בִּבְשַׂרְכֶם What is wrong with a movie (seret) about a dead person, and what does the Torah use "put it in your flesh" to mean watching ...
6
votes
1answer
92 views

How could G-d have created the world, according to one opinion? [closed]

A basic philosophical necessity in an Infinite Being creating a finite universe is the concept of tzimtzum, which is a simple enough concept that it needs no further explanation here. What I'm ...
5
votes
3answers
98 views

Why can't we light Shabbos candles with Nachum's fat? [closed]

The first mishna in the second chapter of Shabbos teaches that you are not allowed to use Nachum's fat for Shabbos candles. ולא בשמן שריפה ולא באליה ולא בחלב נחום [one may not light Shabbos ...
-2
votes
1answer
135 views

Portable eruv on Shabbos [closed]

If someone one holds a hula hoop on Shabbos, would he be able to carry his own eruv? If actively carrying it is problematic, could he passively carry it attached to his hat? This question is Purim ...
1
vote
0answers
37 views

The proper way to count Sh'mittah [closed]

As a follow up to this question, is it halachically preferable to count the seven year Sh'mittah cycle as: "Not one year, not two years" (like we do when counting a minyan) or "Last year we counted ...
-1
votes
1answer
40 views

What occured on the 2nd of Shevat and the 2nd of Av? [closed]

I am aware that both the 15th of Shevat and the 15th of Av are holidays mentioned in the Talmud. But each year, one of my friends sends me a greeting email on the 2nd of Shevat saying "Happy TWO ...
-1
votes
2answers
88 views

Why is the happiest day not Purim? [closed]

Given that we continuously increase our joy until Av and continuously decrease it until Adar, why don't we say that from after Shushan Purim on we decrease our joy and from the tenth of Av on we ...
5
votes
2answers
112 views

What is R'Chaim Doing on my Neck? [closed]

The Gemara in Kiddushin (29b) says that one should push off getting married and Learn Torah instead first because: ר׳חיים בצוארו ויעסוק בתורה What is R'Chaim doing on my neck? What does this have ...
6
votes
1answer
122 views

Does anyone have the dance steps for the Lashon Horah? [closed]

Years ago, I attended an Israeli dance program at Camp Blue Star which had a 3 day Israeli dance program where they brought in various Israeli dance teachers who taught us some of the new and reviewed ...
16
votes
5answers
2k views

Can one go back in time to complete a minyan? [closed]

Can one go back in time in order to complete a minyan, when his past self is already one of the minyan men? On one hand, the requirement for ten men is met. On the other, two of these men are ...
13
votes
5answers
1k views

What are we supposed to do about losing an hour of Purim this year? [closed]

With the help of the One Who Makes Times Change, we have merited to discuss, in previous years, various aspects of Jewish Law and Custom related to the changing of clocks for Daylight Saving Time:). ...
4
votes
0answers
164 views

Can Trump Make Mexico Pay for the Wall? [closed]

Since Trump's daughter is Jewish, I'm sure that he would want to do everything according to Halacha. (Ha.) Can he actually make Mexico pay for the wall? I don't mean tax their goods - I mean actually ...
2
votes
2answers
73 views

Tza'ar Ba'alei Re-chaim [closed]

Is there an inyan to prevent unnecessary pain to reanimated creatures such as skeletons and zombies, the same way there is for those that are alive for the first time? This question is Purim Torah ...
9
votes
2answers
170 views

Kiruv for non-humans [closed]

The Mishnah in Avos (1:12) says that one should אוהב את הבריות ומקרבן לתורה, love creatures and draw them close to Torah. The Mishnah doesn't say אנשים, people, but rather בריות, all creations. Now, ...
0
votes
0answers
39 views

Is there a mitzvah to be crazy? [duplicate]

Devarim 28:34 says: והיית משגע You shall be crazy Frequently, when one is unsure of the meaning of a word or phrase, we use the technique of גזירה שוה. This is a technique that looks for ...