Questions tagged [purim-torah-in-jest]

THIS QUESTION IS ONLY IN JEST. "Purim Torah" is humorous and satirical writings customarily read on the Jewish holiday of Purim. Mi Yodeya has a great collection of Purim Torah, under this tag. For our collection of *real* Q&A about Judaism, see our home page: judaism.stackexchange.com.

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-1
votes
3answers
115 views

PTIJ: Why is my smart phone so stupid? [closed]

From Pirkei Avot 4:1: איזהו חכם? הלומד מכל אדם What is the smart thing? That which learns from every human being. Almost every smart phone has speech recognition. Apparently, it has ...
2
votes
5answers
244 views

PTIJ: Where do we learn that God created the world using LISP? [closed]

It is sometimes claimed that God created the world using Perl, but it's clear that censors have gotten to Rav XKCD's work -- most of it is correct, and then the final panel is grafted in by another ...
20
votes
4answers
3k views

PTIJ: Why can't I eat anything? [closed]

I was perusing a a Mishna, as one is wont to do, when I came across a slightly unnerving phrase in Nedarim 7:8: אָסוּר לֶאֱכֹל he may not eat Well, that was a bit disconcerting. I happen to ...
8
votes
2answers
86 views

PTIJ: Why won't a shadchan(it) tell me which parsha the shidduch is in? [closed]

A common term for a boy or girl who is looking for a shidduch is to describe him / her as being "in the parsha". When I tried to arrange a shidduch for my son, the shadchanit said, "I have two nice ...
4
votes
2answers
191 views

PTIJ: where are Tzafra and Urta located? [closed]

In Yevamot 37 it is recorded that Rav was in Urta saying one thing, and subsequently changed his opinion while in Tzafra. Is there anything specific about his change of locale which caused his change ...
28
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6answers
4k views

PTIJ: How can I halachically kill a vampire? [closed]

Just to be safe, I've been reading up on how to vanquish a vampire. Never hurts to be too careful. From what I've read, it seems that many authorities agree that the simplest and surest way to kill a ...
11
votes
2answers
731 views

PTIJ: wiping amalek’s memory? [closed]

The pasuk says (Devarim 25:18): תמחה את זכר עמלק- wipe the memory of Amalek. Does this mean to wipe all of their memories, or only enough to make them ‘non- Amaleki’? Also, how do we wipe their ...
2
votes
0answers
122 views

PTIJ: When did Avram marry his Iphone? [closed]

Breishit 12:5 says: ויקח אברם את שרי אשתו Avram took Siri, his wife Siri is the voice used on iPads, iPhones and a number of other Apple devices. I assume that since Avram needed someone easy to ...
1
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2answers
77 views

PTIJ: What is it with Chazal and garlic? [closed]

The Mishnah says (Bava Kamma 1:3): שׁוּם כֶּסֶף, וְשָׁוֶה כֶסֶף, בִּפְנֵי בֵית דִּין, וְעַל פִּי עֵדִים בְּנֵי חוֹרִין בְּנֵי בְרִית. Silver garlic and [its] evaluation with silver [is done] ...
17
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2answers
3k views

PTIJ: Should I kill my computer after installing software? [closed]

Shemot 22:17 says that a wizard should not live. When I buy a new computer or if I've inherited a computer and I install new software, it frequently involves a wizard to set it up or install it. What ...
5
votes
2answers
121 views

PTIJ: Selling a Get [closed]

The Mishnah in Gittin 27a says the following: המביא גט ואבד הימנו מצאו לאלתר כשר ואם לאו פסול מצאו בחפיסה או בדלוסקמא אם מכירו כשר If a person is bringing a Get and loses it, if he finds it ...
5
votes
2answers
120 views

PTIJ: לא יגעתי ולא מצאתי [closed]

The Talmud (Bavli, M'gila 6 amud 2) states: ואמר ר׳ יצחק אם יאמר לך אדם יגעתי ולא מצאתי אל תאמן לא יגעתי ומצאתי אל תאמן יגעתי ומצאתי תאמן And Rabbi Yitzchak said: If someone tells you 'I ...
3
votes
1answer
142 views

PTIJ: Why did the Torah forbid itself? [closed]

Near the beginning of the Torah, in parshat Breishit we see that G-d exiled Adam from the Garden of Eden because he was worried that Adam would eat from עץ החיים - the tree of life (Ber 3,23). ...
2
votes
6answers
101 views

PTIJ: What is “Meta” halakhah? [closed]

I've come across a number of references to a concept called "Meta-Halakhah". I can only assume that it refers to the laws of using Mi Yodeya Meta, but I haven't been able to find many details. So, ...
-2
votes
2answers
59 views

PTIJ: How to be like Yoav [closed]

It says in Pesikta Rabbati 11 ואתה מוצא חכם יושב ראשו של סנהדרין היה יושב בשבת תחכמוני (שם כ"ג ח') הוא היה יואב שהיה גדול בתורה וגיבור במלחמה:‏ You find a scholar who sits as the head of ...
7
votes
1answer
120 views

PTIJ: Setting Sick People on Fire on Yom Kippur [closed]

As if spontaneous combustion on Erev Pesach wasn't enough, Mishnah Pesachim 4:4 recommends actively setting people on fire on Yom Kippur: מְקוֹם שֶׁנָּהֲגוּ לְהַדְלִיק אֶת הַנֵּר בְּלֵילֵי יוֹם ...
5
votes
2answers
269 views

PTIJ: Why does only a Shor Tam ask at the Seder, and not a Shor Mu'ad? [closed]

We all know the four sons: the wise son, the wicked son, the Tam, and the son who doesn't know how to ask. As we all know as well, there's two types of cows: those which have gored less than three ...
6
votes
2answers
104 views

PTIJ: Gomel chassidim tovim- who gives us good chassidim? [closed]

In the first b’racha of the amida, we praise G-d for giving us good chassidim. Why are good chassidim so important to us? Which chassidim are good? Note that it is talking about modern-day chassidim, ...
6
votes
2answers
123 views

PTIJ: What is the basis for Daylight Saving Time changes, nowadays? [closed]

People on this website get all obsessed with observing all of the nitty-gritty details of the laws and customs related to Daylight Saving Time. But, of course, no one stops to think about what the ...
5
votes
1answer
108 views

PTIJ: Who was the sixth set of priestly clothes for? [closed]

We read in Parshat Pekudei 40:27-28: וַֽיַּעֲשׂ֛וּ אֶת־הַכָּתְנֹ֥ת שֵׁ֖שׁ מַעֲשֵׂ֣ה אֹרֵ֑ג לְאַהֲרֹ֖ן וּלְבָנָֽיו׃ וְאֵת֙ הַמִּצְנֶ֣פֶת שֵׁ֔שׁ וְאֶת־פַּאֲרֵ֥י הַמִּגְבָּעֹ֖ת שֵׁ֑שׁ וְאֶת־מִכְנְסֵ֥י ...
1
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0answers
75 views

PTIJ: Spontaneous Combustion on Erev Pesach [closed]

Mishnah Pesachim 1:5: וְעוֹד אָמַר רַבִּי יְהוּדָה, שְׁתֵּי חַלּוֹת שֶׁל תּוֹדָה פְסוּלוֹת מֻנָּחוֹת עַל גַּג הָאִצְטַבָּא. כָּל זְמַן שֶׁמֻּנָּחוֹת, כָּל הָעָם אוֹכְלִים. נִטְּלָה אַחַת, תּוֹלִין, ...
10
votes
8answers
921 views

PTIJ: Sport in the Torah [closed]

Shortly after Moshe received the Torah, we are told of the Children of Israel (Shemot 32:6) that: ויקמו לצחק They got up to play. Presumably, they understood from the Torah that had just been ...
9
votes
5answers
434 views

PTIJ: Forbidden to use a computer mouse? What are good alternatives? [closed]

I saw an article (Are Mice Kosher?) which got me thinking. Then I remembered our holy Torah writes (Vayikra 11:29) The following shall be unclean for you from among the things that swarm on the ...
-5
votes
1answer
83 views

PTIJ: What should someone do if s/he gets a yeast infection during Pesach? [closed]

What happens if someone gets a yeast infection during Pesach? Does s/he need to worry that it may somehow enter the digestive tract and make the food there chametz? If it's in the bladder and mixes ...
9
votes
3answers
227 views

PTIJ: What do you people want? [closed]

Yes? Yes? I am Misha. Can I help you? Yes? Yes? Yes? Yes? Yes?!? What, already? Every year ... Every single year ... right before my alarm was set to wake me from hibernation! Grrrr ... What do ...
11
votes
3answers
118 views

PTIJ: Cabernet? [closed]

I'd like to preface this by saying that I have a lot of respect for the Jewish people and if this is at all insulting I certainly don't intend it and you all should please find in your hearts to ...
1
vote
1answer
176 views

PTIJ: What is the proper attire for women in Scotland? [closed]

Jewish law does not allow women to wear men's clothing. So, do Scottish Jewish women wear pants? This question is Purim Torah and is not intended to be taken completely seriously. See the Purim ...
4
votes
3answers
551 views

PTiJ: How should animals pray? [closed]

As it states in Tehillim 150:6: כֹּל הַנְּשָׁמָה, תְּהַלֵּל יָהּ: הַלְלוּ-יָהּ. (Kol Han'shamah t'halel Yah! Hallelu Yah!) It very clearly specifies "everything that breathes" so ...
7
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2answers
168 views

PTIJ: Mouthful of Mitzvos [closed]

The Torah gives us (B'midbar 15:39) the cause and effect that are supposed to occur when we are in the proximity of a tzitzis: 'וְהָיָה לָכֶם לְצִיצִת וּרְאִיתֶם אֹתוֹ וּזְכַרְתֶּם אֶת כָּל מִצְו‍...
5
votes
3answers
83 views

PTIJ: How does Mi Yodeya have the ability to spare from death? [closed]

In Shmuel 2:12:22, David HaMelech says: כִּ֤י אָמַ֙רְתִּי֙ מִ֣י יוֹדֵ֔עַ יחנני [וְחַנַּ֥נִי] יְהוָ֖ה וְחַ֥י הַיָּֽלֶד׃ For I said, [with] Mi Yodeya has Hashem graced me, and the child will ...
14
votes
4answers
517 views

PTIJ: Aliyot for the deceased [closed]

Many people use the phrasing "may the Neshama have an Aliyah" at a shiva, shloshim, or yahrtzeit celebration. Which aliyah is better to give to the deceased? Shlishi, Shishi, or Maftir? Also, when ...
3
votes
1answer
83 views

PTIJ: Why are so many people against BDS? [closed]

Numerous (esp. religious English-speaking / yeshivish) people write "BSD" on the top of their correspondences. I've seen this abbreviation on store signs and in ads, and many other places. It means "...
2
votes
2answers
56 views

PTIJ: Looking for audio resources [closed]

I know that some commentators made emendations or provided explanations to Talmudic text, and that some of these can be listened to on dedicated online radio stations. I have found one for the Haga'ot ...
7
votes
5answers
97 views

PTIJ: Thoughts in Halacha [closed]

Is there an appropriate bracha that one makes before digesting food for thought? Would one have to think about the text, and keep it in mind or would one say the bracha and speak his mind? This ...
11
votes
2answers
86 views

PTIJ: Questions about aliyot [closed]

When we have an Aliyah, the kohanim, if present, are expected to go first, then the levi'im. Does this apply to flights on El Al and only through Nefesh B'Nefesh, or would it apply to other airlines ...
8
votes
1answer
88 views

PTIJ: Why not to a maid servant's ear also? [closed]

To keep a male slave after 7 years, we strike through his ear with a nail. But for a female slave, the text says (Devarim 15:17) וְאַ֥ף לַאֲמָתְךָ֖ תַּעֲשֶׂה־כֵּֽן׃ "and the nose, to your ...
0
votes
3answers
123 views

PTIJ: Unknown divine name [closed]

We have concluded that we indeed say Tachanun in Adar in spite of increasing the happiness during the month. However, I'm a bit confused about the introductory verse from Samuel II 24:14: ...
10
votes
4answers
658 views

PTIJ: Mordechai mourning [closed]

When Mordechai hears of the plot against the Jewish people, he displays his sadness by appearing בִּלְב֥וּשׁ שָֽׂק, bilvush sock Esther 4:2. What is the halachic source that appearing with a sock ...
9
votes
3answers
398 views

PTIJ: What dummy is the Gemara referring to? [closed]

We find in many places throughout shas we find the words of היכי דמי I was always confused by this statement. Who is this dummy, and why is the Gemara mentioning him? Thanks. This question is ...
6
votes
4answers
302 views

PTIJ: Is all laundering forbidden during the 9 days? [closed]

Knowing that part of the somberness and mourning ritual of the nine days includes an abstention from doing laundry, is money laundering included in that ban? Additionally, may one clean the skeletons ...
9
votes
3answers
580 views

PTIJ: Why can't I sing about soda on certain days? [closed]

Part of the weekday Shachrit includes Psalm 100, which is מזמור לתודה - a song for soda. We don't sing about soda on Shabbat, Yom Tov, Erev Pesach, Hol Hamo'ed Pesach and Erev Yom Kippur. Many ...
5
votes
3answers
174 views

PTIJ: Is there any Jewish/Talmudic literature which discusses Mi Yodeya guidelines? [closed]

I have read ample sections of the Talmud, but I have never come across any laws which can assist me with my interactions on Mi Yodeya - a site dedicated to Jewish law. Is there any Talmud which can ...
1
vote
4answers
123 views

PTIJ: When will the Purim story take place? [closed]

The Scroll of Esther begins with 'And it will come to pass (literally be) in the days of...' ...ויהי בימי and then the Scroll continues to tell quite the exciting tale of what is known as the Purim ...
5
votes
3answers
412 views

PTIJ: Should I stay away from my computer? [closed]

The Torah in Shemot 23:7 advises to distance oneself from a false thing. Well - here's one false thing about my computer (and, probably your's too). Frequently, when you turn on your computer, it is ...
5
votes
1answer
73 views

PTIJ: What is Nusach Yodeya? [closed]

I’m aware that Mi Yodeya has its own Nusach. All I see of it, though, is a special Al Hanissim and other changes on 19 Shevat. Are there any other liturgical changes compared to the more standard ...
7
votes
2answers
394 views

PTIJ: Aharon, King of Egypt [closed]

The Torah tells us (Shemos 32:25 - כי פרעה אהרן) that Aharon was one of the kings of Egypt, a Pharaoh. When did he rule there, and is there any other evidence of his reign? This question is Purim ...
5
votes
2answers
607 views

PTIJ: What’s wrong with eating meat and couscous? [closed]

Chullin 37b quotes Yehezkel as saying: לא אכלתי בשר כוס כוס מעולם I have never eaten meat [with] couscous. Why would he not eat this dish? What’s wrong with eating meat and couscous? This ...
4
votes
1answer
201 views

PTIJ: What is this secret bush? [closed]

In the musaf amidah ashkenazim say: נַעֲרִיצְךָ וְנַקְדִישְׁךָ כְּסוד שיחַ We praise and exhalt you like a secret bush What is this secret bush? Is it possible the authors of this line were ...
-3
votes
1answer
128 views

PTIJ: Why isn't every day of the year called “Purim”? [closed]

Esther 9:27 says: על כן קראו לימים האלה פורים על שם הפור "Therefore, they called these days (14 and 15 of Adar) "Purim" to commemorate the poor." Why should the name "Purim" be limited to just ...
8
votes
1answer
188 views

PTIJ - Upvoting everyone [closed]

Inspired by the comments to this answer: It is brought down in Halacha Sefarim that כל הפושט יד נותנים לו, anyone who stretches out a hand, we give to him. Does this apply to Mi Yodeya as well? ...