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Questions tagged [purim-torah-in-jest]

THIS QUESTION IS ONLY IN JEST. "Purim Torah" is humorous and satirical writings customarily read on the Jewish holiday of Purim. Mi Yodeya has a great collection of Purim Torah, under this tag. For our collection of *real* Q&A about Judaism, see our home page: judaism.stackexchange.com.

1
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0answers
55 views

PTIJ: What were the Amish doing in Padan Aram? [closed]

In Breishit 31:42, Yaakov reproves Lavan for accusing him of stealing his terafim, among other items. In making his case, Yaakov says: ... את עניי ואת יגיע כפי ראה אלוקים ויוכח אמש G-d saw my ...
6
votes
1answer
63 views

PTIJ: in nusach Yodeya, where in the t'filah do we acknowledge the fourth patriarch? [closed]

The first blessing in the Amidah is, of course, avot, where we acknowledge the patriarchs. What is the version of this text in nusach Yodeya? Where do we acknowledge our additional patriarch? Do we ...
11
votes
1answer
645 views

PTIJ: Haman's bad computer [closed]

Esther 9:25 ... ישוב מחשבתו הרעה (Esther requests that Achashverush should) return (Haman's) bad computer. What was bad about his computer? Did it not have enough RAM? Was the hard drive running ...
1
vote
1answer
79 views

PTIJ: Why do Jews eat filtered fish? [closed]

Why do Jews eat filtered fish? I've noticed that they mainly eat it on Friday night, with a small piece of carrot on top. This question is Purim Torah and is not intended to be taken completely ...
1
vote
1answer
83 views

PTIJ: Why does G-d want to give us The Wizard of Oz? [closed]

The Psalmist (I think its #29) said: ה' עוז לעמו יתן G-d will give us Oz What's the purpose to giving us The Wizard of Oz? I thought we are supposed to kill wizards, no? Is that the whole ...
0
votes
1answer
67 views

PTIJ: Torah is most important [closed]

The pasuk says והעיר שושן צהלה ושמחה. This was before the war happened yet, so how could they rejoice, they didn't know they were going to win? The answer must be they were confident in the (צהל(ה ...
5
votes
4answers
880 views

PTIJ: Why is Haman obsessed with Bose? [closed]

Bose headphones are great and all, but what's up with Haman's insistence that they should get the Jews' property after his sinister plan was complete? Haman's affinity for the audio systems company ...
8
votes
4answers
147 views

PTIJ: Impressive traditional gesture to go with “Shalom” (like the “Wakanda forever” salute) [closed]

Every once in a while, as I go about my business in the secular world, a non-Jewish passerby notices my kippa and approaches, then offers the greeting that is somewhat well-known in popular culture as ...
6
votes
3answers
91 views

PTIJ: Taanis Esther [closed]

In the Megilas Esther - Esther Hamalka saves the Jews. The day before Purim is known as Taanis Esther. Why would anyone have (Taanis) complaints to her? This question is Purim Torah and is not ...
31
votes
9answers
4k views

PTIJ: Which Dr. Seuss books should one obtain? [closed]

The Torah warns us that we should not accumulate too many Dr. Seuss books, as it states in Deuteronomy 17:16 רַק, לֹא-יַרְבֶּה-לּוֹ סוּסִים One should not amass Seusses Being that one should ...
-1
votes
2answers
87 views

PTIJ: Public toilets laxatives and hypnotics against hashgacha pratit [closed]

Megila 5. 10 וַיִּתְאַפַּק הָמָן, וַיָּבוֹא אֶל-בֵּיתוֹ 6.1. בַּלַּיְלָה הַהוּא, נָדְדָה שְׁנַת הַמֶּלֶךְ Haman was forced to restrain himself from going to the toilet. He managed to do it but ...
1
vote
0answers
44 views

PTIJ: Was Mordechai's greeting “priorities” backwards? [closed]

The Megillah says about Mordechai (10:3): דורש טוב לעמו ודובר שלום לכל זרעו He inquires about the good (welfare) of his people and says 'Hello' to his children. Maybe I'm old-fashioned. I ...
5
votes
3answers
171 views

PTIJ: Is there any Jewish/Talmudic literature which discusses Mi Yodeya guidelines? [closed]

I have read ample sections of the Talmud, but I have never come across any laws which can assist me with my interactions on Mi Yodeya - a site dedicated to Jewish law. Is there any Talmud which can ...
1
vote
1answer
93 views

PTIJ: How to refrain from killing Amalekites and still be a good Jew [closed]

We are commanded to destroy the descendants of Amalek. Haman was a descendant of Amalek. On Purim, we must get so drunk we can't tell Haman from Mordechai. Does that mean that, if I don't want to ...
3
votes
2answers
347 views

PTIJ: does fasting on Ta'anis Esther give us reward as if we celebrated 2 Purims? (similar to Yom Kippur) [closed]

The gemara in Berachos 8b teaches us: כל האוכל ושותה בתשיעי מעלה עליו הכתוב כאילו מתענה תשיעי ועשירי One who eats and drinks on the ninth day of Tishrei in preparation for the fast the next ...
5
votes
1answer
92 views

PTIJ: What was Moshe Rabbenu's favorite college sports team? [closed]

Okay it's March Madness, so here goes: In Deut. 8:12, Moshe Rabbenu tells the Jews: פֶּן-תֹּאכַל, וְשָׂבָעְתָּ Consume Penn, and you shall be satisfied. Clearly they weren't rooting for the ...
1
vote
1answer
99 views

PTIJ: Should I worry about AI (Artificial Intelligence) taking over? [closed]

I recently read a most troubling Talmudic passage: זרעו של יוסף אין עין הרע שולטת בהם The evil AI will have dominion over the seed of Joseph I.e. the Jews. I did some searching and found ...
3
votes
2answers
113 views

PTIJ: Are superheroes obligated to pay for the damage they caused while fighting the bad guy? [closed]

We've all seen superhero movies where said the hero gets into huge fights with the villain and leaves a trail of wreckage along the way. It also can be an ABSURD amount of damage caused. For example, ...
3
votes
1answer
100 views

PTIJ: Passover blood and Bal Tashchis [closed]

The other day I read that during the exodus the Jews were commanded to take the blood of the Pesach and schmear it "on the two doorposts and the lentils, upon the houses wherein they shall eat it." (...
0
votes
2answers
41 views

PTIJ: Why were people burned for mixing up their Karban Pesach? [closed]

PTIJ: Spontaneous Combustion on Erev Pesach and PTIJ: Setting Sick People on Fire on Yom Kippur have previously addressed questions about people being ignited in Maseches Pesachim. I've got one more ...
2
votes
1answer
65 views

PTIJ: Foreigners on Shabbos [closed]

As we sing in Friday night Zemiros: להתענג בתענוגים ברבורים ושליו ודגים To rejoice with rejoicers: Barbarians, Slavs, and Dags. Why do we rejoice with these groups specifically? This ...
2
votes
0answers
57 views

PTIJ: Why is chazzir rye kosher? [closed]

During Purim I notice that kids (and adults, but mainly kids) eat a lot of chazzir rye. To me it looks like junk food rather than bread (usually, when I think of "rye", I think of rye bread), and ...
3
votes
3answers
136 views

PTIJ: At the Passover Seder, is one allowed to speak more than once during Maggid? [closed]

I know Purim's right around the corner, but had a question re: Pesach. In the Haggadah, we say during Maggid: "וכל המרבה לספר ביציאת מצרים הרי זה משובח" whoever goes on to speak more about ...
5
votes
3answers
250 views

PTIJ: Where did Achashverosh's years wander off to? [closed]

I was sleeping through Megillas Esther and suddently the Baal Koreh screamed the beginning of Esther 6:1 rousing me from my slumber: בלילה ההוא נדדה שנת המלך ויאמר להביא את־ספר הזכרנות דברי הימים ...
3
votes
1answer
92 views

PTIJ: What sort of Yid is Mr. Black? [closed]

Here's what we know about Mr. Black, from Dr Seuss's Hop on Pop: He has a frock, black hat, and beard. (image) He comes back from "out of town" with Mr. Brown; implying Mr. Black lives outside of New ...
4
votes
2answers
199 views

PTIJ: Why didn't Haman just kill all the Jews in Russia? [closed]

Before, and perhaps while, Haman was Achashveirosh's viceroy he was the Tsar of Russia, as it says in Esther 7:6: וַתֹּאמֶר אֶסְתֵּר--אִישׁ צַר וְאוֹיֵב, הָמָן הָרָע הַזֶּה; And Ester said, a ...
8
votes
1answer
160 views

PTIJ: Jedi Using the Force for Kiruv [closed]

Say there is a Jewish Jedi involved in Kiruv work. Is it permissible for such a person to use a Jedi mind trick to convince a non observant Jew to be shomer Shabbos, keep kosher, etc.? This question ...
36
votes
8answers
3k views

PTIJ: Using the Force on Shabbat [closed]

What halachic considerations must a Jewish Jedi take into account before using the Force on Shabbat? This question is Purim Torah and is not intended to be taken completely seriously. See the Purim ...
2
votes
2answers
209 views

PTIJ: How can I revive my friend (if I drunkenly murder him)? [closed]

The Talmud in Megillah bring this incident: רבה ורבי זירא עבדו סעודת פורים בהדי הדדי איבסום קם רבה שחטיה לרבי זירא למחר בעי רחמי ואחייה Rabba and Rabbi Zeira prepared a Purim feast with each ...
5
votes
2answers
242 views

PTIJ: If Haman would have fallen with no one around to hear him fall, would that still have made a sound? [closed]

Esther 7:8 writes: והמלך שב מגנת הביתן אל־בית משתה היין והמן נפל על־המטה אשר אסתר עליה ויאמר המלך הגם לכבוש את־המלכה עמי בבית הדבר יצא מפי המלך ופני המן חפו When the king returned from the ...
-2
votes
1answer
94 views

PTIJ: is bacon permitted to eat? [closed]

The Talmud (Chulin 17a) discusses that certain peices of pig meat are permitted: השתא דבר טמא אישתרי להו דכתיב (דברים ו, יא) ובתים מלאים כל טוב ואמר ר' ירמיה בר אבא אמר רב כתלי דחזירי בשר נחירה ...
1
vote
0answers
52 views

PTIJ: Why would blindness cause ignorance? [closed]

According to the gemara, as explained in the kitzur, 142:6 חַיָב אֱנָשׁ לְבַסּוּמֵי בַּפּוּרְיָא עַד דְּלָא יֵדַע בֵּין אָרוּר הָמָן לְבָרוּךְ מָרְדְּכָי. וְלַפָּחוֹת יִשְׁתֶּה יוֹתֵר מֵהֶרְגֵּלוֹ ...
7
votes
6answers
294 views

PTIJ: Two apostates in your Mishloach Manot? [closed]

I've heard many people talking about making sure you include two מינים, apostates, in your Mishloach Manot gifts on Purim. Why is it important to include two apostates in your gifts to friends, and ...
13
votes
2answers
781 views

PTIJ: What is the inyan of the Konami code in Uncle Moishy's song? [closed]

The Konami code, represented as ↑↑↓↓← → ← →BA is clearly referenced in Uncle Moishy's famous song Hashem is Here Hashem is There which asserts that Hashem is "located" in the following places Up, ...
7
votes
3answers
150 views

PTIJ: Why do we make a Lulav holder? [closed]

The Gemara says: אין עושין מצות חבילות חבילות One does not make mitzvot into bundles. But I've seen lots of people do just that: They put the four species into a bundle. ואם תומר, and if ...
6
votes
2answers
641 views

PTIJ: Do Irish Jews have “the luck of the Irish”? [closed]

Today was St. Patrick's Day, and I started to think about Ireland and the Irish, which led me to start thinking about Irish Jews. Everyone knows about that old Irish luck, but I wonder if Irish Jews ...
5
votes
5answers
171 views

PTIJ: Are there any situations historically, where people are named after names of Tefillot? [closed]

I know some people who were named after various tefillot: Asher Yatzar Annie Zemiros Roz Sodecha Billy Reishis Billy Tachlis Moe Dim Al Coulomb (He's an electrician) Does the Talmud or any other ...
6
votes
2answers
122 views

PTIJ: What is the basis for Daylight Saving Time changes, nowadays? [closed]

People on this website get all obsessed with observing all of the nitty-gritty details of the laws and customs related to Daylight Saving Time. But, of course, no one stops to think about what the ...
1
vote
4answers
367 views

PTIJ: Why do we blow Shofar on Rosh Hashana and use a Lulav on Sukkos? [closed]

Why do we blow Shofar on Rosh Hashana and shake the Lulav on Sukkos? I would say that a Shofar lasts longer, so it would make sense to use it on a longer holiday, while the Aravos wilt within a day or ...
3
votes
1answer
63 views

PTIJ: Is there Ruach HaKodesh when naming your Mi Yodeya username? [closed]

We know that parents are given a special Ruach HaKodesh when naming their child. Since a Mi Yodeya user is considered a Jewish person, as evidenced by their potentially being obligated in Lo Yilbash, ...
4
votes
0answers
79 views

PTIJ: Which Talmudic disputes would make for good political attack ads? [closed]

Inspired by the attack ad to vote against "Humpty Dumpty: Wrong on Wall-Sitting." What would be a good (bad?) attack ad if an issue of Talmudic debate was up to the electorate? Rabbi Eliezer's oven ...
7
votes
5answers
97 views

PTIJ: Thoughts in Halacha [closed]

Is there an appropriate bracha that one makes before digesting food for thought? Would one have to think about the text, and keep it in mind or would one say the bracha and speak his mind? This ...
14
votes
3answers
938 views

PTIJ: Perl Programming in the Torah [closed]

According to Rav xkcd (an oft quoted authority in Bam), the universe was written in perl. Since the Torah is the blueprint of creation, it follows that it must contain a Perl Programming manual. Where ...
4
votes
2answers
153 views

PTIJ: May one live in Pennsylvania, Alabama, or Alaska? [closed]

As the famous Gemara (Eruvin 96a et. al.) states: כל מקום שנאמר 'השמר פן ואַל' - אינו אלא בלא תעשה Anywhere that it says Hishamer, Penn, or Al, it is a "do not do." May one live in ...
10
votes
1answer
96 views

PTIJ: Travelling on named roads which have a Halachic status [closed]

There are many streets and roads with food and Biblically related names. Would such streets impart Kedushah, Tumah, or other Halachic statuses on the traveler? For example, is it Assur to travel on ...
8
votes
8answers
1k views

PTIJ: Who should I vote for? (21st Knesset Edition) [closed]

It is an obligation to participate in creating the Knesset, as the halacha says (SA OC 150:1): כופים ... זה את זה לבנות ... הכנסת [People] should force one another to build ... the Knesset. ...
10
votes
1answer
96 views

PTIJ: Halachic Status of Breadboards on Pesach [closed]

What is the Halachic status of Breadboards on Pesach? Are they considered Matzoh since they are flat, or Chametz since they are breadboards? This question is Purim Torah and is not intended to be ...
8
votes
1answer
85 views

PTIJ: Why not to a maid servant's ear also? [closed]

To keep a male slave after 7 years, we strike through his ear with a nail. But for a female slave, the text says (Devarim 15:17) וְאַ֥ף לַאֲמָתְךָ֖ תַּעֲשֶׂה־כֵּֽן׃ "and the nose, to your ...
3
votes
1answer
105 views

PTIJ: Who are the Assistant kings? [closed]

I was recently a guest at the home of Reb Yid for Leil Shabbos. He sang a song as follows שלום אליכם מלכי השריס מלכיליון... Sholom Aleichem Malchei HaShoreis Malcheiyelyon... Who are these assistant ...
0
votes
2answers
70 views

PTIJ: Is armpit flatulence assur? [closed]

There is a famous mishnah in Sanhedrin (7:7) about a Ba'al Ov [necromancer] בעל אוב זה פתום המדבר משחיו A Ba'al Ov: this is the one who speaks through his armpit As we know, armpit flatulence ...