I know that traditionally, Judaism doesn't put much emphasis on 'love' as in experiencing those romantic feelings and it's rather focused on building a big Jewish family, having a compatible partner and keeping the Mitzvots (which is beautiful and the right thing).

What is the Jewish view on this topic? What is the Talmud's point of view on this topic? Does Jewish scripture give any advice on how to ease the pain?

  • I edited the question to allow it to be answered, as this site does not keep personal questions, and it would be closed.
    – Al Berko
    Sep 11, 2018 at 21:37

2 Answers 2



This is my view of the Jewish view, for what it is worth.

Unrequited love is a test: nothing more and and nothing less. It is a test of whether we still love G-d and believe in His goodness even when He seems to deny us something precious to us.

To lose love -- to lose anything or anyone that lit up our soul, that resonated with us so individually as to affirm who we were -- demands a hard reckoning with the meaning of our lives. As at each of the times in life when we lose important things, we are weakened and evacuated. We are sobered to the point of shame. We are sent to the trenches and forced to recalculate, to reappraise.

There, in the trenches, we meet G-d. And we confront, as after the death of a loved one, the mutability of absolutely everything--a most terrifying, most lonely truth. Eventually we learn slow, important, eternal things -- that the refuah preceded the disease and will supersede it; that the Source of what we lost is bigger than what we lost, and can and will yield more of the same light, and will do so abundantly and visibly for us and those we love, for long years.

And so we decide to live on. Life feels as if it begins again, that we must start over with nothing. But we do and we do bravely. The Holy One, Blessed be He, takes pleasure in our effort to find more life and more light in life, and more of the hidden holy Light that is in fact still everywhere. He answers, at that moment, with a silent promise to take away our pain. At that moment we pass the test.

  • 2
    Yeah, failed love ultimately is a huge motivator and has the potential to put you on the right path. It was failed love that led me to embrace my Judaism. It is interesting under which pattern haShem operates. Let me rephrase it - failed love IS the potential that ultimately leads you on the right path.
    – Ilja
    Oct 10, 2018 at 17:00
  • @Anonymous thanks for your comment and your accept! But @ AlBerko also had a very good answer and by accepting mine, you unaccepted his. Did you mean to do that?
    – SAH
    Oct 10, 2018 at 17:05

This site talks in general terms - we don't give private bits of advice.
Let's pretend it's a family we're talking about, because if it's not - the case is out of the scope of Judaism (see below).

  1. As you're rightfully mentioned love is not obligatory in the Jewish family, it might be a nice bonus, but nothing one can't keep a Kosher family without.

  2. Torah already speaks of such an example (in my understanding) in Lea - Rachel - Yaakov love triangle case, where Lea sought Yaakov's love and he loved Rachel. Anyway, this did not stop the Israeli Nation from emerging.

  3. The Jewish way of dealing with this feeling is firstly to distinguish between true love and falling in love, where the last is a transient emotion and the former is a deep feeling. Secondly, it must be understood that the true love is something to achieve, not something to start with. It demands a lot of mutual work and effort.

  4. If your partner accepts those conditions, I would advise approaching a knowledgable Madrich Chatanim or a Couple counselor and outline a plan to attain it.

If it is not a family: see #3 - that's not something Judaism calls love. We saw examples of such a feeling many times in the Tanach (Yaakov met Rachel the first time, David and Bat Sheva, Amnon and Tamar and more) but as we've seen, the outcomes might be very dangerous if one only follows his guts. Therefore we come back to #4 - put in on hold and prepare for the big move.

  • Thank you, Al! Kinda uplifting. It's just that the person in question legitimately reminds me of my own mother in a sense and is just incredible cute (sorry for a lack of mature wording). Guess the best way is to follow number 4 and wait it out. I made it very clear that I'm interested in the person as I mentioned vaguely my plans. She was maybe a bit shocked by it. Waiting is the best option if this befalls a person.
    – Ilja
    Sep 11, 2018 at 22:11
  • The basic principle of Judaism is focusing on the long-term goals like happily ever after, not the immediate good. So be patient, and make it clear that you don't ask for an immediate satisfaction, but you're ready to work on the relationships in the long run.
    – Al Berko
    Sep 11, 2018 at 22:25
  • My direct, offensive approach (heavily implying my affection) obviously scared her away (unfortunately I'm a rather stupid, childish fellow in that regard). The basic principle of Judaism is absolutely right. Sadly I was brought up in western culture, which poisoned me for many years. Maybe that's why my Tshuvah to Judaism feels so amazing. Anyways, I backed off and didn't make any more approaches. G-d will decide the following.
    – Ilja
    Sep 11, 2018 at 22:42
  • 1
    Judaism's about the effort, not the results. Keep working!
    – Al Berko
    Sep 11, 2018 at 22:44
  • @Anonymous Rather than "wait it out," you might try to start looking for someone who does the same for you and more. You will find her, you will.
    – SAH
    Oct 10, 2018 at 15:24

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