Are there any seforim or sources how a man can make his wife happy outside the bedroom and especially inside?

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    Try asking her instead of us.
    – Double AA
    Jun 5, 2018 at 20:24
  • I know there is a gemara in shabbos but is there anything else? Jun 5, 2018 at 20:30
  • 3
    Somewhat related- shelter, clothing, and onah should go a long way judaism.stackexchange.com/questions/92352/… Jun 5, 2018 at 21:18
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    @einodmilvado I think this post is likely not getting you what you want because it wasn't written to clearly ask for what you want. I appreciate that it's tricky to balance the need for modesty (tzeniut) with the need to be clear about what you're looking for. As this question has already been answered, you might want to try again, along the lines of "Are there any seforim that provide advice for pleasing one's spouse during marital relations?" ...
    – Isaac Moses
    Jun 7, 2018 at 16:19
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    ... I think that a asking for such advice rather than for recommendations of seforim would probably be excessively immodest for this public forum (See the second main bullet under Notes here), but that asking for the seforim probably would be OK. I'd suggest including in your question post some explanation of why you expect that such seforim may exist in Jewish traditional literature.
    – Isaac Moses
    Jun 7, 2018 at 16:21

3 Answers 3


I found that re-reading books on marriage after being married for a few years is always inspiring and a source of new ideas. Three books I would recommend are

  • The marriage covenant by R Elyashiv Knohl (it comes with a separate small booklet on "inside the bedroom") with approbations from R Yaakov Ariel, R Aharon Lichtenstein, R Zalman Nechemia Goldberg
  • Fulfillment in marriage by R Shmuel Eisenblatt (volume 1 is for men, vol. 2 for women) with approbations from R Nissim Karelitz, Chaim Scheinberg and others
  • The garden of peace by R Shalom Arush based on the teachings of R Nachman m' Breslev

All three insist on the importance of frequent and open communication with one's wife as a pillar of happiness (as suggested by DoubleAA in comments).

  • @einodmilvado that is what I understood and why I mention the marriage covenant which comes with a separate booklet on this topic. Now that you mention it I remember I also read this on Kindle a long time ago but don't remember the book. See if the description interests you
    – mbloch
    Jun 7, 2018 at 15:59
  • Anything from the rishonim or famous achronim Jun 7, 2018 at 16:01
  • @einodmilvado not that I know of - sorry - but you could ask a chasan teacher. See also resources here on MY: judaism.stackexchange.com/q/33895/11501
    – mbloch
    Jun 7, 2018 at 16:02

Pesachim 109a

ת"ר חייב אדם לשמח בניו ובני ביתו ברגל שנא' ושמחת בחגך במה משמחם ביין רבי יהודה אומר אנשים בראוי להם ונשים בראוי להן אנשים בראוי להם ביין ונשים במאי תני רב יוסף בבבל בבגדי צבעונין בארץ ישראל בבגדי פשתן מגוהצין

Our Rabbis taught: A man is in duty bound to make his children and his household rejoice on a Festival, for it is said, And thou shalt rejoice it, thy feast, [thou and thy son, and thy daughter, etc.] Wherewith does he make them rejoice? With wine. R. Judah said: Men with what is suitable for them, and women with, what is suitable for them. ‘Men with what is suitable for them’: with wine. And women with what? R. Joseph recited: in Babylonia, with coloured garments; in Eretz Yisrael, with ironed lined garments. (Soncino translation)

R. Mordechi Yaffe cites this in his introduction to Levush, and says that this is the main joy for women.

שכן דרך נשים עיקר שמחתן היא בבגדי צבעונין כדאמרינן פרק ערבי פסחים נשים במאי משמחן אמר רב יוסף בבבל בבגדי צבעונין בארץ ישראל בבגדי פשתן מגוהצין

  • This seems to be restricted to Yom Tov - more specifically the regalim; not even Rosh Hashanna or Yom Kippur or Shabbat, for that matter. What about ways to make her happy on these days as well as the rest of the year? (Thank goodness for dry cleaners! Numerous men don't know how to iron clothes!)
    – DanF
    Jun 5, 2018 at 22:07
  • @DanF It doesn't say that clothes only make her happy on holidays. It's just that the obligation to make her happy is on holidays. Presumably, though, the same methods can make her happy all year round.
    – Alex
    Jun 5, 2018 at 22:10
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    And this answer also can be applied in the bedroom with colorful or linen pajamas.
    – Double AA
    Jun 5, 2018 at 22:16
  • @Alex Not suggesting this has any Torah implications at all, but I am a woman, and I am quite sure that buying clothes would not do it for me. I do like clothes and would appreciate getting some new ones around the holidays, as our tradition has suggested. But is it "the main joy for women?" --Not this one.
    – SAH
    Jun 6, 2018 at 0:33
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    @DanF Ah. I guess I wasn't aware that husbands enjoyed buying clothes for their wives that much, but it's an awfully sweet thought...
    – SAH
    Jun 7, 2018 at 2:15

Ask her what she likes in the bedroom and what she likes outside of it.

Source: Life

Note: Some people don't always know what will make them happier and what won't.... But you should always start with talking to the person first, especially if you are married to them.

  • I know this was phrased as a joke, but I think this was phrased perfectly for the question. I don’t think this should be deleted at all.
    – DonielF
    Jun 8, 2018 at 13:42
  • So on other words your saying there is nothing? Jun 10, 2018 at 14:52
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    @einodmilvado I'm not saying that. But I'm saying that maybe the first person you should ask is your wife.
    – Aaron
    Jun 11, 2018 at 0:38
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    Is this an answer to "how a man can make his wife happy outside the bedroom and especially inside" or only to part of that? If it's an answer to part, you should indicate as much in the post; if it's an answer to the whole, then you should indicate how, as it's unclear to at least this reader.
    – msh210
    Jun 15, 2018 at 12:25

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