A midrash tells us that a man's father drank too much wine and frequently collapsed in the streets in drunken stupor. One rainy day, the son saw a drunk lying in the gutter with rainwater running all over him. He brought his father to the scene to show him what happens when you drink too much. The elderly father went to the drunk, came close, smelled him, and asked him, “Wow! Where did you get such good wine?” [Midrash Tanhuma, Shemini 11]

Unfortunately, the drunk's answer was cut off in the copy I have. Does anybody have a complete copy and can tell us where such good wine can be bought? Inquiring minds want to know.

This question is Purim Torah and is not intended to be taken completely seriously. See the Purim Torah policy.

  • I’m not a wine connoisseur but I assume you mean Manischewitz Extra Heavy Malaga? – JJLL Feb 23 '18 at 16:33

In the version I've read, the drunk states, "Shmini, Siman 11 וּלְזִקְנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל. אָמַר רַבִּי עֲקִיבָא, נִמְשְׁלוּ יִשְׂרָאֵל לְעוֹף. מָה עוֹף זֶה אֵינוֹ יָכֹל לִפְרֹחַ בְּלֹא כְּנָפַיִם, כָּךְ יִשְׂרָאֵל אֵין יְכוֹלִין לַעֲשׂוֹת דָּבָר בְּלֹא זְקֵנִים. אָמַר רַבִּי יוֹסִי בַּר חֲלַפְתָּא, גְּדוֹלָה זִקְנָה. שֶׁאִם זְקֵנִים הֵם, חֲבִיבִים הֵם. וְאִם נְעָרִים הֵם, הַקָּדוֹשׁ בָּרוּךְ הוּא מְקַפֵּץ לָהֶם אֶת הַזִּקְנָה. " (https://www.sefaria.org/Midrash_Tanchuma,_Shmini.11?lang=bi) Which, as I understand it, translates to "Come on down to Crazy Schlomo's Fine Wines and Liquors Shoppe!! We've got yayin, we've got arak, we've got Sabbath desecrator Stam yayam, we've got idol-worshiper Stam yayam and the largest selection of kosher whiskies and gin this side of Bavil!! Everything must go!!!"

  • A more literal translation: “Says R’ Akiva, The Jews are compared to birds. Just as birds can’t fly without wings, so too Jews can’t do anything without their aged [wine]. Says R’ Yose bar Chalafta, aged [wine] is great, for if it is aged, it is treasured, but if it is young, Hashem hastens bringing to it its age.” I see lots of good things in there about wine, but I don’t see anything about a location to get any. – DonielF Feb 23 '18 at 16:54

Good wine is carefully aged in a good barrel. (I learned this from my father who worked with his father who was a well-known wine-maker in Ungvar. I think my father, a"h knows what good wine is. Hint: It's not Kedem Malaga.)

Surely you can locate a barrel in your neighborhood, somewhere. Even a covered garbage barrel, which you may own will do. As, Pirkei Avot 4:20 says:

Rebbe said: Don't look at the barrel but rather look at what's in it.

Open the barrel! And, if you don't mind, share some with the rest of the drunken crowd, here.

  • 1
    Except for this guy. He doesn’t need any more wine - he’s had plenty. – DonielF Feb 23 '18 at 16:57

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