Is someone required to ask forgiveness if he causes tangential discomfort to another?

Question

My son relayed this to me a few days ago.

When he was in yeshiva high school, the principal would enter each classes a few days before Yom Kippur and tell all the students that he was sorry if he may have hurt someone's feelings.

My son, asked me (he's graduated the yeshiva several years ago) that in hindsight, he thought that this was an ingenuous apology because most of the time he was enforcing yeshiva rules that my son didn't like, and he (my son) knew that he would be doing the same thing next year, anyway.

After telling me this story, I wondered, myself that there are numerous times throughout the year when I am in a similar situation as a father. I have to enforce curfews and certain rules in my home. My kids are assigned certain chores during the week. If they don't do it, or I find they're lazy, etc. I "rebuke" them and sometimes punish them. If I didn't enforce these rules, I'd be a negligent parent and I would have an unruly child. My child's feelings are sometimes hurt when I enforce these rules.

So, did I sin by merely causing someone else's discomfort, tangentially? I didn't intentionally try to harm his feelings, because enforcing a policy applies to everyone, equally. It's that the person resents following the policy, and then is offended when I have to penalize that person for not following it. Do I still need to apologize for this?

Part of the teshuva is that I don't repeat the same action. I know already that I would continue following enforcing the same policy in the future. So, wouldn't apologizing be pointless and be insincere, in such a case? It would almost be like lying or creating a false impression.

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If it helps readers understand an analogy - It's like when politicians offend someone and afterwards say "I'm sorry that you were offended by what I said." That's not at all the same as saying, "I'm sorry that I offended you by what I said."

Answer 1

My rav explained that a person does not need to apologize for enforcing rules or punishing someone for not obeying the rules. He does need to apologize if he exceeded the parameters in some way, such as:

• Explaining the rules (orally or even in writing) unnecessarily harshly so that it hurt someone's feelings. (For example, using "severe" or "threatening" language when it is unnecessary.)
• Punishing the person harshly, beyond what was necessary. Ideally, the punishment should be explained clearly at the time that the rules are explained
• Not enforcing or obeying the rules, equally. For example, if he ignores some violators but punishes others.
• The rabbi wasn't sure if he needs to apologize if he did not verify that the person receiving the punishment knew and understood the rules. (I.e., is ignorance excusable?) The best way to avoid this doubt is to have the rules and consequences written and make it the responsibility (a rule for reading the rules!!!) of all people to read the rules.

He agreed with me that assuming no violation of the above, in many cases, the violator actually should be apologizing to the enforcer! The enforcer, of course, may accept the apology, but, nonetheless is required to enforce the penalty, despite the apology! If not, we have the 3rd problem mentioned, above!

Answer 2

A parent and a teacher are required to discipline children. In fact if a father or a teacher hit a child to punish them but the blow was so hard that they died they would not be liable to the death penalty! Since as a parent you are required to take part in the upbringing of your children, just because some of the required things may cause discomfort to your children does not mean you must ask their forgiveness! (and furthermore, they are required by the torah to respect you.)

In this case, the principal was not apologizing if he caused pain or discomfort to anyone by enforcing his rules, but rather if he said something mean or ignored someone when he shouldn't of. He was not asking if his rules upset anyone, because that's his job and it is required to raise children.

Causing someone else's discomfort is not necessarily a sin either. for example, if a friend of yours got upset when you ate peaches, you would not be required to absolve yourself of peaches (or ask their forgiveness.). It is only a sin to cause discomfort that you have no right to do.

Since you have a right to parent your children, you are not required to ask their forgiveness if your parenting annoys them, only if you caused them pain that was not really necessary.