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A mother has no obligation to educate her children (at least according to some respectable opinions)(Shulchan aruch harav o"h 343.4 אבל אמו אין מצווה עליו כלל בין במצות עשה בין בלא תעשה: and Talmud Torah 1.14 אשה אינה במצות תלמוד תורה שנאמר ולמדתם אותם את בניכם ולא את בנותיכם וכשם שאינה במצות תלמוד תורה לעצמה כך אינה במצות תלמוד תורה לבניה ופטורה משכר לימוד בניה ואין כופין אותה אלא אם כן היא עשירה ומתורת צדקה...)

A mother is not obligated to give her son a bris

She is obligated to her husband to nurse her children (if twins maybe only one) (when they are poor and can not afford 2 female slaves)

a father would want to pay to have his children watched from wasting time (Shulchan aruch harav Talmud torah 1.2 התינוקות שהם קטנים הם צריכים שימור לשמרם שלא יצאו החוצה ויעסקו בדברים בטלים ובעד זה מותר ליטול שכר.)

It seems a divorced woman has no obligations towerds her children (except to give them preference when giving tzedoko).
E"H 82.5 and 82.8


But I see that they (woman) were punished with child raising pain (also the fathers have pain , and here), that even bad wives raise their husbands children, and that they even take care of her husbands children (not hers) (is "taking care" the same thing as raising?)

What is "raising children"?
What is the pain of raising children?
Why do wives do it? (Why do they do it? (Are they obligated to do it?, Does this need to be discussed with before the marriage so that it will become an obligation?), Or they just volunteer to do it and their husbands should appreciate their effort).
Raising children is until what age?

partial answers appreciated

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    OK. Who is responsible for taking the kids to yeshiva when dad has to be at work early in the morning? Or is mom exempt from asserting that the kids get up on time and make it on the school bus? – DanF Sep 15 '17 at 20:10
  • None of your quotes seem to relate to halakha. Why do you assume there is some technical definition to what seems like the Hebrew equivalent of the English 'child rearing'. – mevaqesh Sep 18 '17 at 0:23
  • Let us continue this discussion in chat. – mevaqesh Sep 18 '17 at 1:51
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    @ninamag I do not understand – hazoriz Sep 18 '17 at 20:03
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    @ninamag the end purpose is: clarity on what is the original foundation of the Jewish (which I believe is healthy) (view) on raising children (i only found sources on how to teach them Torah, to educate them to do mitzvot, nursing them, feeding them and hitting them, but nothing on raising them, except the above sources (bellow the line), which do not give me clarity) and how it fits in to the family (what the mother does what the father does and why do they do it (if appreciation is nessesery)) – hazoriz Sep 19 '17 at 10:31
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Rashi Ki Teitzei 22:15

אבי הנערה ואמה - מי שגדלו גידולים הרעים יתבזו עליה

The father of the girl and her mother - the people who raised her badly are shamed because of it.

  • +1 sefaria.org/Gur_Aryeh_on_Devarim.22.15 – hazoriz Sep 18 '17 at 13:35
  • This does not answer the question, which while poorly worded, seemed to look primarily for parental responsibilities, this does not address that. Nor does this do much to clarify the term (which BTW there is no reason to assume is a specific term in the first place). – mevaqesh Sep 18 '17 at 13:53
  • @mevaqesh it seems it does partially , (he is just lets me/us understand it anyway we want) one way of understanding his answer is , that raising children (gidul) includes training them not to commit adultery, and that the pain is when the training was unsuccessful – hazoriz Sep 18 '17 at 14:20
  • It is taken for granted that parents should educate children properly, this is known as hinnukh. An inference from a rabbinic source that parents shouldn't raise children to commit adultery is fairly superfluous. @hazoriz – mevaqesh Sep 18 '17 at 21:45
  • @mevaqesh my question was not about hinnukh but giddul and that is what he is answering (my source above says that hinuch is only on the father) – hazoriz Sep 18 '17 at 22:02
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+150

You wrote:

partial answers appreciated

Assuming that you do not believe that everything in מִשְׁלֵי שְׁלֹמֹה are all allegories, then you might also consider the following as a "partial answer" to your question.

From the pshat level, the אֵשֶׁת-חַיִל reading (chapter 31) is talking about a wife and mother with children:

וַתָּקָם, בְּעוֹד לַיְלָה--וַתִּתֵּן טֶרֶף לְבֵיתָהּ; וְחֹק, לְנַעֲרֹתֶיהָ.

And:

צוֹפִיָּה, הילכות (הֲלִיכוֹת) בֵּיתָהּ!

From preparing provisions to engaging in business ventures, everything that this married mother does is for her to raise her children into responsible adults.

At the same time: if she is a married mother, then what she does for "her husband" בַּעְלָהּ is also equally for her "children" בָנֶיהָ, because both the former and the latter constitutes her "house" בֵּיתָהּ. Altogether "קָמוּ בָנֶיהָ".

Her children בָנֶיהָ [from the word "Ben" (that is, at least, a male {ZaKaR}] are a Memory {ZeKeR} (or future memorials) of the Fathers. Therefore, whatever the married mother does for the children, she is in effect also doing it for the children's father (or vice versa).

They are appreciative, as well as her husband:

קָמוּ בָנֶיהָ, וַיְאַשְּׁרוּהָ; בַּעְלָהּ, וַיְהַלְלָהּ.

If a woman had such a mother, would not such a woman want to imitate her mother?

Does everything in the Torah or Tanakh have to begin with "Thou shalt ..." before we accept or follow certain actions as (if it were) a Mitzvah (Commandment)?

Also, in the parasha about Abraham driving Hagar and Ishmael away, it says that Hagar (the mother) looked for or took a wife for Ishmael. This answers part of the question about what a mother does, and up to how old she should care for or raise her child? In this case, until he is old enough to get married:

וַיֵּ֖שֶׁב בְּמִדְבַּ֣ר פָּארָ֑ן וַתִּקַּח־ל֥וֹ אִמּ֛וֹ אִשָּׁ֖ה מֵאֶ֥רֶץ מִצְרָֽיִם:

Another biblical fact about what a mother and a father make themselves responsible for:

In the story of Shimshon, the same thing: BOTH the mother and father make themselves responsible to take a wife for their son.

וַיַּ֗עַל וַיַּגֵּד֙ לְאָבִ֣יו וּלְאִמּ֔וֹ וַיֹּ֗אמֶר אִשָּׁ֛ה רָאִ֥יתִי בְתִמְנָ֖תָה מִבְּנ֣וֹת פְּלִשְׁתִּ֑ים וְעַתָּ֕ה קְחוּ־אוֹתָ֥הּ לִּ֖י לְאִשָּֽׁה:

Shimshon said, קְחוּ־אוֹתָ֥הּ, talking to both his father & mother.

Also the next verse says, both the father & the mother respond, again showing the mother is also responsible in looking for a wife to a son, who is old enough for nisuin. This answers part of the question about what a mother does, and up to how old she should care for or raise her child? In this case, until he is old enough to get married.

When does a parent's (father's / mother's) soul stop binding up with the child's soul? In regards to Benjamin, he was already married with children and yet his father's (our father Israel's) soul was still bound up with Benjamin's:

Bereishith 44:30, וְעַתָּה, כְּבֹאִי אֶל-עַבְדְּךָ אָבִי, וְהַנַּעַר, אֵינֶנּוּ אִתָּנוּ; וְנַפְשׁוֹ, קְשׁוּרָה בְנַפְשׁוֹ.

This is Israel, or Jacob, who suffered "Tzaar gidul banim".

Your questions were:

What is "raising children"? What is the pain of raising children? Why do wives do it? (Why do they do it? (Are they obligated to do it?, Does this need to be discussed with before the marriage so that it will become an obligation?), Or they just volunteer to do it and their husbands should appreciate their effort). Raising children is until what age?

My "partial answer" (as you requested) is:

A Jewish husband can (as accorded to him) stipulate in the ketubah, the obligations that he wants his wife (his "property") to do, such as any and all those biblical facts (that a woman in the Bible has done), but are not stipulated in our halacha.

If a woman/mother is the "property" of the man, then her obligations will not be stipulated by Hashem or by halacha, but by her "owner" (her ba'al). If her ba'al fears Hashem, then all those godly acts of women in the Bible are fair obligations that her ba'al can obligate her, by his own authority.

  • +1 but i disagree with "everything that this married mother does is for her to raise her children into responsible adults" it seems to my poor understanding that some of what she does is for her husband – hazoriz Sep 18 '17 at 10:30
  • @hazoriz if she is a married mother, then what she does is not only for her "husband" but also equally for her "children", because both the former and the latter constitutes her "house". it says "קָמוּ בָנֶיהָ". Children technically speaking (you like technical stuff, no?) are Memories (or future memorials) of the Fathers. Therefore, whatever the married mother does for the children, she is in effect also doing it for the children's father. – ninamag Sep 18 '17 at 10:43
  • @hazoriz even if you are right that "it seems to my poor understanding that some of what she does is for her husband", her children still do not say, "Vay'ashruho" (to their father), but it is to their mother they say "וַיְאַשְּׁרוּהָ"! Shanah Tova! – ninamag Sep 20 '17 at 16:01
  • @hazoriz while reading the parasha about Abraham driving Hagar and Ishmael away, it says that Hagar (the mother) looked for or took a wife for Ishmael. Does this answer part of your question about what a mother does? וַיֵּ֖שֶׁב בְּמִדְבַּ֣ר פָּארָ֑ן וַתִּקַּח־ל֥וֹ אִמּ֛וֹ אִשָּׁ֖ה מֵאֶ֥רֶץ מִצְרָֽיִם: – ninamag Sep 20 '17 at 16:37
  • @hazoriz in the story of shimshon, the same thing: BOTH the mother and father are responsible to take a wife for their son. וַיַּ֗עַל וַיַּגֵּד֙ לְאָבִ֣יו וּלְאִמּ֔וֹ וַיֹּ֗אמֶר אִשָּׁ֛ה רָאִ֥יתִי בְתִמְנָ֖תָה מִבְּנ֣וֹת פְּלִשְׁתִּ֑ים וְעַתָּ֕ה קְחוּ־אוֹתָ֥הּ לִּ֖י לְאִשָּֽׁה: Shimshon said, קְחוּ־אוֹתָ֥הּ, talking to both his father & mother. Also the next verse says, both the father & the mother respond, again showing the mother is also responsible in looking for a wife to a son, who is old enough for nisuin. Does that answer your question up to how old a mother cares for her child? – ninamag Sep 20 '17 at 16:45
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from Pirkei DeRabbi Eliezer it seems that the mother does it

Pirkei DeRabbi Eliezer 14 5

...He gave the woman nine curses and death:

  1. the afflictions of child birth
  2. afflictions of blood of virginity
  3. the affliction of pregnancy
  4. the affliction of bringing up children;
  5. her head is covered like a mourner,
  6. and she does not shave it except on account of immorality,
  7. her ear is pierced like (the ears of) perpetual slaves;
  8. like a hand-maid (slave) she waits upon her husband
  9. she is not believed as a witness

    and after all these, death.

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