If G0d forbid you have a grudge against someone (and you did not rebuke them [enough] at the time--your fault) must you/should you tell them about it before Yom Kippur so they know to ask you for mechila?

Related: Rebuking someone for an old wrongdoing

  • Why do you think maybe one should?
    – mevaqesh
    Commented Aug 4, 2017 at 21:37
  • 3
    Can't you just forgive them independently? And if you aren't willing to forgive him, what's the point in telling him?
    – mevaqesh
    Commented Aug 4, 2017 at 21:37
  • I don't think that rebuke ever becomes outdated. Of course, you need to (re)evaluate the situation, as the circumstances may have changed, or the person's attitude may have changed either improved or worsened. Regardless, whether it's rebuke or otherwise, I don't see the point in "demanding" an apology from anyone under any situation. When you demand, it becomes about your own needs, and not about having the offender sense remorse over hurting you. If he /she does apologize, frequently, they do so reluctantly, in which case, the apology is "fake".
    – DanF
    Commented Aug 4, 2017 at 22:01
  • 1
    To elaborate on @mevaqesh's comment, there's a prayer many say on Erev Rosh HaShanah and Erev Yom Kippur (at the front of the latter Artscroll Machzor) that contains a paragraph which, in essence, states that the one saying the prayer forgives all those who have hurt him, and may HaShem inspire others to do the same for him. Those who say the Yehi Ratzon in Krias Shema Al HaMitah express similar sentiments in that prayer.
    – DonielF
    Commented Aug 6, 2017 at 5:39
  • 1
    Besides, if you forgive him, you're helping him out, and zakin l'adam shelo befanav.
    – DonielF
    Commented Aug 6, 2017 at 5:40

1 Answer 1


It would seem that you should prompt the wrongdoer, or else wholeheartedly forgive them.

The Kizur Shulchan Aruch in סימן קלא - דיני ערב יום כפור says:

וְאַדְרַבָּה, אִם הַחוֹטֵא אֵינוֹ מִתְעוֹרֵר לָבוֹא אֵלָיו לְבַקֵּשׁ מְחִילָה, יֵשׁ לוֹ לְהָאִישׁ הֶעָלוּב לְהַמְצִיא אֶת עַצְמוֹ לְאוֹתוֹ שֶׁחָטָא, כְּדֵי שֶׁיְבַקֵּשׁ מִמֶּנוּ מְחִילָה.

[Not only shouldn't one be difficult to appease but] rather, if the wrongdoer doesn't have any intention of coming to ask you for forgiveness, you should make yourself available to them so that he can ask you for forgiveness.

If he is not made aware of his "sin", how can he ask you for forgiveness?

  • Re the last sentence - I'm not disagreeing. But, could one argue Hanistarot Lahashem Elokeinu? What if the person died or is not around, or the person just forgot. Is the one who sin against him automatically absolved?
    – DanF
    Commented Aug 7, 2017 at 15:11
  • @DanF - See the Gemara in Chagiga 5a towards the bottom on the verse "על כל נעלם" - Gcd will [even] take you to task for inadvertently grossing out a fellow. Commented Aug 8, 2017 at 12:51

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