Visualizing the Rebbe during marital relations

Question

Rabbi Slifkin wrote in a recent post that:

... in some Chabad chosson/kallah classes, they are taught that during climax, they should visualize the Rebbe.

Slifkin brings the writings of Rabbi Teberdovich (spelling?) as a source who writes:

בשעת מעשה ראוי שלא לדבר אלא לחשוב אותיות התורה ולצייר דמות הרבי .

"At the time of the act it is fitting not to speak but rather to think of the letters of the Torah and to form an image of the Rebbe"

Given the problem of visualising someone else during marital relations (mishna berura חלק ב' רמ:ט) how is this a practice deemed acceptable in chabad? If it is indeed acceptable (as the 'chabad rabbi' link suggests) is it accepted by chabad i.e. is it normative that chatan/kallah learn this in their classes?

Answer 1

I can attest to what Rabbi Slifkin claims. I took my kallah classes from a Chabad rebbetzin and was shocked and bothered when told I must think of the Rebbe during what they refer to as "the Mitzvah". She said specifically it must happen towards the end of intercourse right before you know your husband is going to be "done" so to speak. I was troubled because in my mind it seemed wrong to think of anyone besides my husband during such an intimate and private moment. I was told that also a kallah must cover her hair with at least a snood during "the mitzvah" and it must be completely dark as well. She also taught that one is required to think of the rebbe while under the chuppah and while at the mikvah. I am not Chabad so I have chosen not to keep this custom.

Answer 2

the source that it is forbidden to think about other people during relations is from the gemorah
see https://www.sefaria.org/Nedarim.20b.2?lang=bi
https://www.sefaria.org/Nedarim.20b.7?lang=bi
https://www.sefaria.org/Nedarim.20b.9?lang=bi
and even what the woman thinks is a problem see https://www.sefaria.org/Pesachim.112a.14?lang=bi

but also in the gemara it also says https://www.sefaria.org/Berakhot.20a.7?lang=bi

Similarly, the Gemara relates that Rabbi Yoḥanan was accustomed to go and sit at the gates of the women’s immersion sites. Rabbi Yoḥanan, who was known for his extraordinary good looks, explained this and said: When the daughters of Israel emerge from their immersion, they will look at me, and will have children as beautiful as I.

from the above and other places we see that what the woman thinks about during relations affects the child

and it seems to me that what is forbidden is to think that you are having relations with someone you are not having relations with now, (for woman it seems to only happen if she had relations with someone else, in the past)
but if you are not thinking you are having relations with someone else but only how they look it seems not to be a problem at all (the opposite this effect should be used to make good children)

PS it seems to be a very popular Minhag in Chabad to imagine the Rebbe (i guess it is because he is considered beautiful and ... so it will have a good effect), based on what I heard from many hasanim in the habad kollel in crown heights.

Answer 3

The Ben Ish Chai in Benayahu makes the distinction based on the Gemara of Rabbi Yochanan that a woman may picture another man bshaas bia, while the She'arim Metzuyanim Behalacha qualifies that this is only with regards to a Tzaddik Gomur, and that it is not only permitted, but it is even the correct thing to do & a segula for good children. He also brings more mekoros.

See Mekor that bnei t'murah doesn't apply to women- berachot 20a? for more info.