What is Birkat Amazon? [closed]

Question

My friend told me that after I eat I piece of bread I must say Birkat Amazon.

I like Amazon.com; I order many things from them. And, I guess I should say a blessing for Amazon, but, it seems more logical to do that after I receive my order in the mail. So, I have a few questions about this Birkat Amazon:

• Who and when was this composed?
• What does Amazon have to do with a piece of bread? I.e., why make this blessing after eating the bread?
• Do Amazon Prime members have a special obligation / mitzvah to say this vs. non-prime members? Do they get more cash back or perks if they say this blessing?

If you can find and / or link to the text of Birkat Amazon, that would be wonderful. I couldn't locate it on their web site or anywhere else.

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This question is Purim Torah and is not intended to be taken completely seriously. See the Purim Torah policy.

Answer 1

This has nothing to do with amazon.com, and in fact the prayer predates the Internet.

In the 1950s, Europeans made contact with a native Brazilian tribe called the Kayapos. These people had many familiar traditions -- a rite of passage at the beginning of puberty, food-centered celebrations, and an afterlife built around communal assembly. Consider:

Special days for the Kayapos revolve around the seasons. [...] [A]n initiation rite is held when a boy reaches puberty or when he receives, as a small boy, his special ancestral name. [...] Naming ceremonies are regarded as an important means of helping the child develop social ties and an identity as a Kayapo.

The Kayapos have a traditionally hospitable way of greeting visitors to their homes. Food is prepared by the women, and a bed made of bamboo is laid out for a guest.

In that village in the afterlife, Kayapos believe they have their own traditional assembly building. Kayapo women, it is thought, are permitted only short visits to deliver food to their male relatives.

Right. Who does that sound like?

The European explorers quickly realized that the Kayapos were one of the lost tribes of Israel and set out to teach them to live in the ways of torah. They're still working on this (shellfish has turned out to be a challenge to overcome), but they've made progress. The Kayapos now say blessings (still in their native tongue) before and after eating.

Birkat Amazon was composed for them. It's not meant for the rest of us, and you should go on doing what you've already learned to do.

Answer 2

What does Amazon have to do with a piece of bread? I.e., why make this blessing after eating the bread?

When satiated we have a natural tendency to acknowledge Seattle Di Shemaya.

Do Amazon Prime members have a special obligation / mitzvah to say this vs. non-prime members?

No but remember that Kohanim have Priority.

And a freilechen purim.

Answer 3

This is actually lashon sagi nahor (euphemism) along the same lines as referring to cursing God or using God's name in a curse. This happens at the point that the expected arrival date has passed and one's package has not arrived. Other appropriate instances include when no tracking number has been provided or when one has ordered a sefer on the "down low" and the package arrived unexpectedly and was discovered by one's spouse before the individual could intercept the delivery.

Answer 4

Yes, you should say birkat Amazon after eating a piece of bread, but this bracha isn't limited to eating bread. In fact, this bracha should ideally be said whenever you do something simple which could easily be taken for granted. It's to remind us that Amazon provides for many of our needs (often in ways we don't realize [such as by powering Amazon Web Services which stores much of the data on the internet]) and deserves our thanks.

Since everybody gets so much benefit from Amazon, it's clear that it doesn't matter whether you're a Prime member or not. The benefits of Prime (especially when you subtract the cost of a Prime membership) are paltry compared to the total benefit we all get from Amazon every day.

The practice of saying birkat Amazon is unfortunately becoming less and less common nowadays. Many leading rabbis have theorized that today's AWS S3 Outage which has severely affected many sites on the internet is punishment for our laxity in this mitzvah. So it is very important that we all be very particular in our recitation of birkat Amazon.

Answer 5

Well, seeing that Amazon.com has EVERYTHING and is just short of an omnipotent power, it is fitting to use it as an analogy for He who we thank for life and sustenance.

P.S.

Please say your Birkat Amazon with intense kavana.

Thank you,

A stock holder

Answer 6

The source of Birkas Amazon is from the book of Proverbs which says

לֶחֶם עַצְלוּת לֹא תֹאכֵל

Didn't eat lazy bread - Which implies one did eat bread

Followed by

קָמוּ בָנֶיהָ וַיְאַשְּׁרוּהָ

Her Children praised her - past tense, that they made a fore-blessing

Who did they bless? The upcoming verse says

"רַבּוֹת בָּנוֹת עָשׂוּ חָיִל"

"Many females made an army" - the original Amazon tribe.

And the verse after says

הִיא תִתְהַלָּל

Should be praised

Which implies that there should be an after blessing.

But is Birchas Amazon the fore-blessing or after-blessing?

The answer is that since the last part of the verse says:

וְ֝אַ֗תְּ עָלִ֥ית עַל־כֻּלָּֽנָה

You are on top of everyone

And since everything (especially blessings) go after the end (See Brachos 12a), "being on top" implies the end blessing.

Answer 7

We say the Birkat Amazon after eating, because they were the ones who sent the books we read while relaxing and digesting our food, and we're thankful! Popular lore has it that saying it prevents indigestion, gas, and familial discord(in that order)after meals.

Answer 8

As a way to thank the women who baked the bread, we make mention of the most courageous women in history, the Amazons.

Answer 9

I know we're supposed to make Birkat Amazon after eating, but my cat is crazy enough already, and even cheese makes her barf, so I'm REALLY unwilling to give her beer.