the Igeret HaRamban starts off:
"תִּתְנַהֵג תָּמִיד לְדַבֵּר כָּל דְּבָרֶיךָ בְּנַחַת, לְכָל אָדָם וּבְכָל עֵת, וּבַזֶּה תִּנָּצֵל מִן הַכַּעַס"
what does the word "b'nachat" mean in this context. does it mean to speak "calmly" or "gently", etc.. i.e. to just speak in a non-angry manner or more than that, to speak in a "gentle" tone.
Divre Chachamom Benachat Nishmaym. Without shouting.
דִּבְרֵ֣י חֲכָמִ֔ים בְּנַ֖חַת נִשְׁמָעִ֑ים מִזַּעֲקַ֥ת מוֹשֵׁ֖ל בַּכְּסִילִֽים:Rashi
רש"י בנחת נשמעים. מקובלים הם לבריות
People pleased to accept.Metsudot
אף כי ידבר בנחת מבלי זעקה, המה נשמעים ומקובלים. בנחת.
רוצה לומר בשפלות קול
in a low voice, after all, people are listening.
The Rambam seems to paraphrase this verse.
Like nachas ruach a pleasant smell It means pleasant
Ramban writes: "speak ALL your words (lit. also: "your things") with Nachas...". It's obvious that nice and neutral words are to be spoken nicely. But what if you have something to say that the other will not ostensibly wish to hear. It can be a challenge to say such things (instead of just being silent about them) in a palatable manner.
Being silent brings its own issues, as when dialogue dies, so does much of the relationship.
If, rather, you can say all that you have that is meaningful in your heart, to everyone at any time, in a way that is safe, non-threatening, and hear-able, you will have good relationships. You will be saved from ANGER, violence, and revenge which stem from having stuff to say and not being able to say it.
Gehinnom, possibly in this world, as well as the next world, comes from a life of being unable to speak up in a Nachas way. One tends to invent nonsense and see oneself as a victim. Rather, you must commit
There are many skills involved in speaking with Nachas - a pleasant tone, kind words, and a considerate attitude are important but not always enough. There are many more skills needed too to deliver words with Nachas so that they are heard.
The greatest measure of Nachas is in the result, do you get the valuable thing you want, or agree to forgo it, and still have a good relationship? As it says: "Practise always to say all your words with Nachas, to each person, and at all times, and through this you will be saved from ANGER." So saying things with Nachas is supposed to save you from relationship blow-ups.
The rest of the Letter describes more details on how to do this.
The tone is irrelevant. However, usually if you're really creating a pleasant feeling, your tone will sound nice to the receiver. And by the way, a pleasant feeling is over the long term, not just saying sweet things in the moment to distract them or sweeten them. It involves listening to them too.
The added proof for this is the words "Kol Devorecha", all your words, or, all your things, or, all your issues. The things that matter to you should be spoken about in a considerate, meaningful, helpful fashion. Obviously in such cases you will not be doing all the talking, but as needed there will be give-and-take with the other person.
You are expected to communicate pleasantly and successfully, neither withholding your opinion to close down dialogue, nor dominating angrily. Nachas means confidence, humility, understanding, patience, unravelling, kindness, so you can solve things between you. It's not about the tone of voice (though that may likely be pleasant) but about the tone of the discussion. Which involves the other human being.
