My boys are approaching the "shidduch" stage. I am very new to this area and other than the bits that I have red from various M.Y. questions and some items that I read in local Jewish papers, I profess huge ignorance regarding proper protocols and terminology.

Some things that I DO know within the Orthodox community in NY area (and I assume that other U.S. communities have little, if any, differences):

  • Use of a shidduch "resume"
  • "New" terminology (for me, at least) such as FTP and "in the parsha"
  • A boy should not compliment the girl on anything during the shidduch (something I saw on a M.Y. question. I don't agree with it, but, I guess that's protocol.)

Has someone compiled a guide or manual regarding proper behavior / protocol for boys and girls? It doesn't matter if it's a paper guide (preferred) or online source. However. I'd like it to come from reliable source(s), based on halacha from a respected rav - not merely hearsay or something coming from a shadchan, I haven't heard of.

I'd prefer a compilation rather than having to hunt through a number of sources all over the web.

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    If you have a rebbitzen in your area that you trust, she can usually give you advice. There are often local shidduch groups as well as the situation may differ in various communities. Some communities have a lot more girsl than boys (or vice versa) "in the parsha" and you may want to get in touch with someone from a local community that has a percentage break that favors you. My granddaughters are approching the correct age but we are leaving the headache to our children (:-) (We had enough with them). The only thing that I can say is that everything goes with (and went) with hashgacha pratis. Commented Nov 24, 2015 at 20:16
  • The web site wherewhatwhen.com (Baltimore area) has a column "Ask the Shadchan". I think that the writer, Mashe Katz, may be able to help you. She is a Baltimore area shadchan (the article about her said for the past 50 years) and has been writing the column for the past year. Commented Nov 24, 2015 at 21:08
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    @DanF, I was linking to two very specific messages, not the transcript in general.
    – msh210
    Commented Nov 24, 2015 at 21:48

1 Answer 1


The best answer, as other's have already indicated is to ask someone "in the business" so to speak or to ask your rabbi/rebbetzen, but if your looking for something on your own I would suggest "The Shidduch Manual." It's short and in English and super user-friendly. (It's published by "Isreal Book Shop.")

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