i understand that a man can marry a girl against his parents wishes

Shulchan_Arukh, Yoreh De'ah 240 25

הַגָּה: וְכֵן אִם הָאָב מוֹחֶה בַּבֵּן לִשָּׂא אֵיזוֹ אִשָּׁה שֶׁיַּחְפֹּץ בָּהּ הַבֵּן, אֵין צָרִיךְ לִשְׁמֹעַ אֶל הָאָב

but since a girl is not obligated to get married (even if you say she is, it is not close to the obligation of a man) maybe she should be forbidden from marrying against her parents wishes

And she will be meshubedet to her husband and will not be able to respect her parents, (but a man will), they are loosing the service of their daughter so they should have the power to say no.

sources please

  • but wouldn't a girl not marrying b/c of her parents wishes be preventing someone from fulfilling his obligation to be married?
    – Dude
    Dec 3, 2015 at 21:39
  • 1
    @Dude I here there are more woman then men, and that not all woman get married
    – hazoriz
    Dec 3, 2015 at 21:48

2 Answers 2


Tzitz Eliezer 14:73 spells this one out very explicitly: it's identical for sons and daughters -- the parents can't force them to marry or not-marry someone if they don't want to. (Though he adds that it's usually the right thing to do for both sons and daughters to ask their parents' advice or otherwise involve them somehow.)

Image text of Tzitz Eliezer 14:73

There is one responsum of the Rashba in one particular circumstance that might seem to say otherwise, which is addressed in the above responsum and deemed not relevant.

The Shulchan Aruch is simply citing Maharik 166, which was discussing a son.

Image text of Maharik 166

Maharik gives three reasons why the son need not respect his parents' wishes:

A.) "Kibud av v'em" means "help them and speak respectfully", it does not mean you must follow their every order. (Note that some disagree with Maharik on that point.) B.) You are not obligated to lose money for kibud av v'em. Being in an unhappy marriage is a lot costlier than losing money. C.) The Torah values happy marriages, so the parents are going against the Torah.

Maharik doesn't say anything about "the boy is obligated to get married", he says the rabbis of the Talmud made enactments to prevent unhappy marriages.

It seems pretty clear that all of those would apply to a daughter as well.

(And fine, let's say we're misogynistic for a minute and don't care if she's unhappy in her marriage. Do you think her husband will be?)

As for the argument that the parents prefer to keep her around the house for free labor: Guess what? The Talmud already thought of that one: Sanhedrin 76b.

איזהו עני רשע ערום זה המשהא בתו בוגרת ... הוי זהיר מן היועצך לפי דרכו

What's an example of a poor man who is craftily evil? One who leaves his daughter single. ... Be very careful when someone gives you self-interested advice!

  • "the parents can't force them to marry someone"., is a different law (a woman can not exept keddushin by force (if she is forced it is not keddushin), but a man can make keddushin by force (if he is forced it is keddushin), hear it is not to marry someone you want, which your first source does talk about
    – hazoriz
    Oct 29, 2015 at 11:39
  • If she is unhappy it is her dissision to be, the husband can be happy
    – hazoriz
    Oct 29, 2015 at 11:41
  • "lose money for kibud av v'em" I understand it as a wife becomes yours but your father askes you to loose her, but husband does not become his wife's
    – hazoriz
    Oct 29, 2015 at 11:51
  • " Torah values happy marriages" but I understand it that a wife needs to be deer in her husband's eyes not the other way around, (a woman does not need to see her husband before she marries him, and what are laws that make the husband dear to his wife's eyes)
    – hazoriz
    Oct 29, 2015 at 11:54
  • 2
    @hazoriz parents are able to do all sorts of horrible things to make it harder for their children to marry; but their saying "I hereby prohibit!" does not create a kibud av v'em obligation.
    – Shalom
    Oct 30, 2015 at 10:37

Another option

Torah lishma question 226 of the Ben Ish Hai

Answers the question

And says if the reason she wants to get married is to have children (not her responsibility) then she should not and she should listen to her father (a biblical commandment)

But if their is another reason for example that if she will not get married she is afraid that she might fall into promiscuity then she should get married

enter image description here

  • @Shalom see above, it seems there is an option that it is kibud av v'em (if your father forbids you from forgiving someone you do not need to listen since it is against the Torah not to forgive( but I did not see (except in your comment above) that their is another reason, that by saying "I hereby prohibit" it is not a mitzvah to listen to him))
    – hazoriz
    Aug 15, 2016 at 5:17

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