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I don't know all the rules. Both of us are from Orthodox backgrounds, "black hat" litvish. We went on 3 dates already and I was wondering if on the fourth I could give compliments. I know on earlier dates you're not supposed to but when does that end? Assumably to compliment her appearance would be inappropriate but would it be ok if I complimented something she was wearing or maybe even tell her that I think a certain mannerism of hers is cute, or would that too be out of place?

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    Close as Jews not Judaism? – Double AA Sep 11 '15 at 4:02
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    where does it say you cant give compliments? – ray Sep 11 '15 at 5:03
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    As every one has their own Hashkafic 'red line', your best bet would likely be to either a: ask the Shadchan who is working with you what would be considered correct protocol (assuming there is a Shadchan) or b: speak to a friend who is on the same page as you Hashkafically to ask advice from. – Salmononius2 Sep 11 '15 at 9:20
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The answer I got was 5th-6th date, or about when the couple is ready to drop the shadchan. That's also the time you can start using her name directly. Of course, as mentioned above, everyone has their own guidelines and each should ask their own shadchan for what these guidelines are in their circles

  • Until then, you call her "Hey, you!"? – msh210 Sep 16 '15 at 16:49
  • @msh210 It rarely ever comes up because when you're interacting with a person face to face, there's almost never a need to use their name. Think about it. All your attention should be on your date, so when exactly would be a point when you need to use their name? When you meet at the beginning of the date, a simple "hey" works just fine. You'd be surprised, but it's not restricting at all in any way. – Yonah Karp Sep 16 '15 at 18:39
  • This is educational. I'd like to know where you received this information, and is this considered common protocol, or just this shadchan's advice. Re your last comment, I see your point. However, at least in U.S., people appreciate calling them by their name. When a guest visits my home, they address me by name frequently, such as in "You know, DanF ..." Why is a shidduch date different? Also, this means absolutely no compliments on anything whatsoever??? Not even, "It's nice that your dad and my dad daven in the same shul?" – DanF Sep 17 '15 at 18:22
  • @DanF I got the advice from my brother, a recent "graduate" (if you will) of the dating field, and his wife agreed. The shadchan herself however said I could compliment on the 4th date, so it's not exact science. As for what counts as such a compliment, that's not exact either, but I'd say anything to do with the other party's physical appearance and/or personality should wait until a later date. The example you gave would assumably be fine at any stage. Disclaimer: ask your shadchan or others who are familiar with your background for more accurate information – Yonah Karp Sep 18 '15 at 4:21
  • @DanF In any case,the point you made that people appreciate calling them by their name is, from what I understand, precisely the reason names aren't used in the first place. Dale Carnegie's famous book How To Win Friends and Influence People discusses the power of names, devoting an entire chapter on the importance of using them."Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest & most important sound in any language" Using your date's name creates a closeness that should be avoided until later in the relationship. It sounds silly in a way but it's hardly a problem so why not wait – Yonah Karp Sep 18 '15 at 4:25

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