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I remember hearing in a daf yomo shiur (and I want to find where is it written) something similar to this: it is preferable not to marry a divorced woman (if her ex-husband is still alive) because it might not be good for your future children (since she might be thinking about her first husband, but that if she is a widow then there is no fear of this.)

Please help me find where something like this is written.

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It is a gemara in Pesachim 112a which talks about advice from the chachamim (I don't believe this is quoted in the poskim - not sure):

לא תבשל בקדירה שבישל בה חבירך מאי ניהו גרושה בחיי בעלה דאמר מר גרוש שנשא גרושה ארבע דעות במטה ואי בעית אימא אפילו באלמנה לפי שאין כל אצבעות שוות

Do not cook in a pot that your friend already cooked in. What does this mean: that a man should not marry a divorcee who's husband is still alive, for Master says a divorced man who marries a divorcee there are 4 minds in the bed, or if you prefer to say that even a widow is a problem since all fingers are not equal (she may think about her previous husband).

See Rashi.

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  • If Ein Mishpat is of any indication, we indeed do not pasken like this Gemara.
    – DonielF
    Mar 5, 2019 at 15:59
  • @DonielF this gemara is giving advice, not halacha. It is not binding, but the fact it is not brought in halcha does not mean its not valuable advice.
    – simyou
    Sep 1, 2019 at 12:56
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Coming from the Gemara in Pesachim 112a. The Arizal in Shaar Haposkim (pg. 200), Parshas Ki Setzi, on the Pasuk וְנִגְּשָׁ֨ה יְבִמְתּ֣וֹ אֵלָיו֮ לְעֵינֵ֣י הַזְּקֵנִים֒ וְחָלְצָ֤ה נַעֲלוֹ֙ מֵעַ֣ל רַגְל֔וֹ וְיָרְקָ֖ה בְּפָנָ֑יו וְעָֽנְתָה֙ וְאָ֣מְרָ֔ה כָּ֚כָה יֵעָשֶׂ֣ה לָאִ֔ישׁ אֲשֶׁ֥ר לֹא־יִבְנֶ֖ה אֶת־בֵּ֥ית אָחִֽיו has a piece here as to why one shouldn't marry a widow. He says in short: Because the spirit of the husband lasts in her stomach for 12 months and fights against the new husband...

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  • @yO_ that is the ending of the Arizals Piece. That the husband is only there for 12 months.
    – Moshe
    Mar 5, 2019 at 7:15
  • No. Cause then he won't click on the source lol @yO_
    – Moshe
    Mar 5, 2019 at 7:19
  • Ok, fine! lol @yO_
    – Moshe
    Mar 5, 2019 at 7:23
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    The OP was regarding marrying a DIVORCED woman (not a widow). I add, that R' Shmuel Vital in his gloss on the Shaar Hapsukim there, explains that the Arizal's explanation isn't relevant in the case of a divorced woman החלוצה היא יותר טובה מן האלמנה שעדיין יש בה רוחא דמכשכשא במעהא. והגרושה יותר נקיה מכלם, אלמלא מ"ש חז"ל שלש דעות במטה וכו', כנלע"ד
    – IsraelReader
    Mar 5, 2019 at 8:39
  • ומה גם שאמרו בזהר הקדוש שהנושא אלמנה הוא נכנס בסכנה גדולה כמשליך עצמו לשוט בים הגדול, ולכן מי האיש הירא אלמנה וגרושה לא יקח כי אם בתולה from sefaria.org/Pele_Yoetz.109.13 maybe there is a source in zohar
    – hazoriz
    Mar 5, 2019 at 9:59

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