Back story in short-- i was born and raised Jewish, had a baby naming, bat mitzvah, learned basic common Jewish knowledge that 95 percent of all the secular jews out there know. My father is halachically jewish and he raised me from elementary school to just before high school.
My mom converted to judaism via reform movement, and never once in my life up until mid April 2015, did i ever doubt my status as a jew. i mean, why should i? Despite being secular (and not having felt a need to keep observant, nor research jewish stuff for 8+ years after my bat mitzvah), i have jewish blood and body and neshama and identity, and according to everyone other than the orthodox community, two jewish parents.
so i had no doubt until i started searching, and i have no idea why i started searching, but i did, and im here now, B"H.
i have no problem with gentiles.. all of my best friends are so, i just CANNOT accept that status for myself.. it goes contrary to nearly everything ingrained in my sense of self.
Imagine knowing from childhood, for sure without a grain of doubt that you are something you identify with, even if you didn't appreciate it as much as you should have, and then one day, the figurative 'card at the bottom of a house of cards' is pulled out from under you. It turns you inside out and upside down and rips you apart and is utterly confusing and a mind-numbingly awful feeling as well. It makes me wonder what HaShem has planned for me..
while i personally have no problem with reform judaism and conservative too, upon more research of what it actually was- because both are great places to ~~start~~ learning, i reject those two for myself.
Sorry for rambling and taking longer than i thought it would take... what is the difference between an actually full conversion process and a giyur lechumra? i am tired of my jewishness being discounted and someday, G-d willing, i want it to be unimpeachable to everyone...
Granted, i know processes take time and even if im not legally jewish, legality and reality are not mutually exclusive, and all i can do is learn enough to be a baal teshuva and then when i can go through an official legal process, do so..
my thoughts have been so scattered lately on this situation. i hope i make enough sense to warrant a response and/or insight into my situation. Also thank you in advance to any and all people who do respond.
Hope you all have a wonderful day, and i apologize if my lack of proper capitalization hurts anyones eyes. :)