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If one is dating a boy/girl with intention to potentially marrying him/her, does that change in any way according to halachah what one may or may not do to/with him/her?

closed as too broad by Isaac Moses, Shokhet, Scimonster, Shmuel Brin, msh210 Feb 15 '15 at 10:02

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The relevant Halachot are in the Kitzur Shulchan Aruch in סימן קנב - אסור יחוד ושאר קרבות בנשים

(I only [loosely] translated the relevant parts.)

:סעיף י"ג כְּבָר הֶאֱרִיכוּ גְדוֹלֵי יִשְֹרָאֵל זִכְרוֹנָם לִבְרָכָה בְּסִפְרֵיהֶם הַקְדוֹשִׁים בְתוֹכְחוֹת מוּסָרִים עַל הַמִּנְהָג הָרַע בְּאֵיזֶה מְקוֹמוֹת שֶׁאֵינָן בְּנֵי תוֹרָה וְיִרְאָה, שֶׁמִּתְקָרְבִים הֶחָתָן עִם הַכַּלָה בְּחִיבּוּק וְנִשּׁוּק, וְכֵן עוֹשִׂין רִקּוּדִים בַּחוּרִים עִם בְּתוּלוֹת יָחַד. וּמִלְּבַד הָאִיסּוּר הַגָּדוֹל, אִסּוּר נִדָּה, שֶׁהֲרֵי כָּל הַבְּתוּלוֹת מִסְּתָמָא נִדּוֹת הֵן, וְאֵין חִלּוּק בְּאִיסּוּר נִדָּה בֵּין פְּנוּיָה לִנְשׂוּאָה, וְכָל הַנּוֹגֵעַ בָּהּ דֶּרֶךְ חִבָּה, חַיָב מַלְקוּת, עוֹד מְגָרֶה יֵצֶר הָרַע בְּנַפְשֵׁהּ, וּמֵבִיא אֶת עַצְמוֹ לִידֵי קִשּׁוּי לָדַעַת וְהוֹצָאַת זֶרַע לְבַטָּלָה, רַחְמָנָא לִצְלָן. וּבְּוַדַּאי כָּל מִי שֶׁיֵשׁ בְּיָדוֹ לִמְחוֹת, צָרִיךְ לְהִתְאַמֵּץ בְּכָל כֹּחוֹ לִמְחוֹת, וּלְכָל הַפָּחוֹת צָרִיךְ כָּל אִישׁ אֲשֶר יִרְאַת ה' בִּלְבָבוֹ, לִהְיוֹת שׂוֹרֵר בְּבֵיתוֹ וּלְהַשְׁגִּיחַ עַל בְּנֵי בֵיתוֹ, שֶׁיִתְרַחֲקו מִן הַכִּעוּר הגָּדוֹל הַזֶּה. וְכָל מִי שֶׁיֵשׁ בְיָדוֹ לִמְחוֹת וְאֵינוֹ מוֹחֶה, חַס וְשָׁלוֹם, הוּא נִתְפָּס בְּעָוֹן זֶה. וְכָל הַמַּצִיל אֶת אֲחֵרִים מִן הַחֵטְא, הִצִּיּל אֶת נַפְשׁוֹ וְטוֹב לוֹ.‏

One may not touch unmarried women, as they are probably in a state of Niddah, and the laws of [keeping one's distance from a Niddah apply to all women, whether they are married or not. That's besides for the prohibition of spilling seed which results from physical contact.

:סעיף י"ד אִשָׁה שֶׁהוּא רוֹצֶה לִשָּׂא אוֹתָהּ, מֻתָּר לוֹ וְרָאוּי לוֹ לִרְאוֹתָהּ אִם הִיא לִרְצוֹנוֹ. אֲבָל לֹא יִסְתַּכֵּל בָּהּ דֶּרֶךְ זְנוּת. וְעַל זֶה נֶאֱמַר, בְּרִית כָּרַתִּי לְעֵינָי, וּמַה אֶתְבּוֹנֵן עַל בְּתוּלָה.

For the purpose of marriage, one may - and should - have a good look at her, to ensure one likes her [looks]. But one should not stare at her in a licentious manner.

Another issue when dating is Yichud - the prohibition of being secluded with a member of the opposite sex, which can be found in the same siman. Relevant sections are:

:סעיף א אָסוּר לְהִתְיַחֵד עִם שׁוּם אִשָּׁה, בֵּין יַלְדָּה בֵּין זְקֵנָה, בֵּין יִשְֹרָאֵלית בֵּין גּוֹיָה, בֵּין קְרוֹבָתוֹ בֵּין אֵינָהּ קְרוֹבָתוֹ, חוּץ מִן הָאָב שֶׁמֻּתָּר לְהִתְיַחֵד עִם בִּתּוֹ, וְהָאֵם עִם בְּנָהּ, וְהַבַּעַל עִם אִשְׁתּוֹ, אַף עַל פִּי שֶׁהִיא נִדָּה. ‏

One may not be secluded with a member of the opposite sex, whether they are Jewish or not, young or old, related or not, with the exception of one's children and spouse.

:סעיף ג אִשָׁה אַחַת, מִתְיַחֶדֶת עִם שְׁנֵי אֲנָשִׁים כְּשֵׁרִים. וְדַוְקָא בָּעִיר וּבַיוֹם. אֲבָל בַּשָׂדֶה, אוֹ בַלַּיְלָה אֲפִילּוּ בַעִיר, בָּעֵינָן שְלשָׁה אֲנָשִׁים כְּשֵׁרִים. וְעִם פָּרִיצִים, לְעוֹלָם לֹא תִתְיַחֵד, אֲפִלּוּ הֵם כַּמָּה, אֶלָּא אִם כֵּן נְשׁוֹתֵיהֶם עִמָּהֶם. וְאִישׁ אֶחָד, עִם שְׁתֵּי נָשִׁים אָסוּר לְהִתְייַחֵד. וְעִם שָלֹשׁ אוֹ יוֹתֵר, יֵשׁ מַתִּירִין אִם אֵין אֻמְנוּתוֹ אוֹ סְחוֹרָתוֹ בִּדְבָרִים הַמְיֻחָדִים לְנָשִׁים. וְיֵשׁ אוֹסְרִין בְּכָל עִנְיָן.

During the day in [a busy section of] town, one woman may be secluded with 2 Kosher [as in morally honorable] men. At night, or in a secluded location, one needs 3 such men.

With men of questionable morals, she may never be secluded, unless their wives are with them.

One man may not seclude himself even with 2 women. Some are lenient regarding 3 or more women, unless his profession is related to women. Others are strict across the board.

סעיף ה בַּיִת שֶׁפִּתְחוֹ פָּתוּחַ לִרְשׁוּת הָרַבִּים, אֵין שָׁם אִסּוּר יִחוּד בַּיוֹם וּבִתְחִלַּת הַלַּיְלָה, כָּל זְמַן שֶׁבְּנֵי אָדָם עוֹבְרִים וְשָׁבִים בָּרְחוֹב. וְאִם הָיָה זֶה רָגִיל בָּה, כְּגוֹן שֶגָּדְלָה עִמּוֹ, אוֹ שֶׁהִיא קְרוֹבָתוֹ, אוֹ שֶׁבַּעְלָּהּ הִזְהִיר אוֹתָה שֶלֹּא תִתְיַחֵד עִמּוֹ, הֲרֵי זוֹ לֹא תִתְיַחֵד עִמוֹ, אֲפִלּוּ בַּעְלָהּ בָּעִיר, וַאֲפִלּוּ בְּבַיִת שֶׁהַפֶּתַח פָּתוּחַ לִרְשׁוּת הָרַבִּים.

What is not considered secluded?

A room that is open [i.e. unlocked] with access to the street. But only during the day and the evening as long as people are milling around. (IOW there's fair chance that somebody may walk in.)

However, with somebody he feels very comfortable with, he may not be secluded ever. This includes people he grew up with and relatives.

  • What does this have to do with dating? – Double AA Feb 15 '15 at 13:02
  • @DoubleAA - "how to behave with a girl not married to you" is what is being asked. That includes looking, [not] touching and Yichud, and anything else you can come up with. Unless you're dating online? – Danny Schoemann Feb 15 '15 at 14:05
  • If thats how you understand the q, you should probably also mention reraining from telling her lashon hara and taking revenge against her. And not convincing her to worship idols. – Double AA Feb 15 '15 at 14:38
  • כריתות ג-ד - אֵינוֹ מִן הַשֵּׁם - along with killing her, giving her non-kosher food to eat and seating her to a wagon pulled by an ox and a donkey. I think we all know what the OP means, but I agree that the question needs to be reworded. – Danny Schoemann Feb 15 '15 at 15:26
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    @DoubleAA I would say that the answer would be "No, the halacha is the same and the relevant halachos are ... " and the last sentence would be especially relevant as he would be "very comfortable with her" – sabbahillel Feb 18 '15 at 9:33

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