How to make Purim more female friendly?

Question

At a recent Shabbat meal the conversation was about how Purim was a "guy holiday" where women felt like second class citizens, especially married women who often found themselves cooking the seuda, serving it to their husbands, guest, and the bevy of half-drunk people who come by. As well as watching the kids while the husband gets drunk, trying to make sure the house doesn't get destroyed, cleaning up, etc. All the women at the table wholeheartedly concurred (they had similar feelings about Simchas Torah). Simply put they did not feel that Purim, post shaloch manos time, had anything positive for them to relate to.

My question is, assuming this is true, what can be done to make Purim more enjoyable for women, especially married women? Please only post answers which have proven to be successful, not just conjecture.

Answer 1

I have found that at Purim meals where no one gets seriously drunk, everyone tends to have an equivalently-good time. How good a time that is, of course, depends on the quality of the company, conversation, etc., just like at any other gathering. If you're looking for a great source of both holy and fun holiday-appropriate conversation-starters, I recommend our free Purim book, Purim - Mi Yodeya?.

Conversely, at Purim meals where some people get drunk to the point of severely impaired judgement, others at those meals who choose not to attain that state, of any gender, tend to have a less good time as a result. I would advise people who want to enjoy the holiday without getting seriously drunk to try to avoid gatherings where others do.

In particular, if I was a woman with children whose husband was intent on getting seriously drunk, I would consider having him attend a meal with like-minded individuals (making sure that he has a safe way to get home!) and attending or hosting a separate meal for people in my and my children's situation. I am not in that situation, so I can't testify personally as to the effectiveness of this approach.

I can testify to this: A couple of years ago, I decided (beli neder!) to not drink enough on Purim to noticeably affect my behavior, where my previous practice had been to get drunk enough at the Se'uda to act pretty silly. This decision was influenced by multiple rabbis that I look up to preaching against Purim drunkenness year after year, as well as by my wife's annoyance at my relative uselessness, while tipsy, at dealing with the kids. My wife reports (and urged me to add after I showed her the previous paragraphs of this answer) that her Purim experience has, in fact, been enhanced by my drastically reduced inebriation and consequent enhanced usefulness.

Answer 2

As a man, I can only tell you what my wife tells me she enjoys about Purim.

My wife enjoys dressing our kids up in costumes that sometimes match a theme with our Shaloch Manos and sometimes are just cute, and then showing them off.

When I was single, I did not get drunk on Purim - I followed the opinion of the Rema, to drink more than my usual (which was any amount, since I never drink), and then take a nap. My wife thought this was too boring, and she actually asked me to get a little bit drunk. I try to do it with moderation, but now I get a little bit tipsy on Purim. My wife says this is one of the highlights of her Purim, to see what I'm like when I'm loosened up a bit. (Apparently I have made a good impression thus far.)

We have visitors who come by and we sing and dance with them. My wife likes having people come into the house to just stop by to celebrate with us, and she likes watching our kids dance with the people who come in.

I make sure my wife has time to daven at a pace she would like. Purim is said to be an auspicious time for davening, and my wife enjoys that.

Hatzlacha figuring out what works for the women in your family.

Answer 3

My mother likes going to a women's megillah reading, where women read for women. She says going, especially reading, gives her a feeling of being more involved on Purim.

Answer 4

Drinking helps. I know a good number of women who also drink and enjoy the raised spirits.

As to childcare or care for the home - why is this only the responsibility of a woman? Am I no longer a father because I have a drink? Both parents need to be aware of the children, safety, elderly, pets, breakables, etc.

I also know women who, out of concern for issues of tzniut, host a women's only seudah where they can drink and let loose in a fashion they'd be uncomfortable with mixed company.

Answer 5

Rav Hutner says the purpose of getting drunk on Purim is to demonstrate a trust of your body's natural inclination to keep the Torah even while not under control of your wits.

Subsequently it would seem if getting drunk does not lead to a good experience for all concerned there is no mitzva to get drunk.

The mood of Purim is to have a good time, there is no direct relationship to ethanol consumption.