Our son is getting older and still has this wild idea from his 20s and 30s that he will find a model who knows shas! We try to explain that it is getting harder as he gets older, to no avail. There is a single woman that everybody who knows the both of them say they are an ideal couple. Recently I asked him to date her four times with the intention of getting married - I would pick up the tab for the dates. I want him to look at her as a wife, and focus on the good points. Will she be a good mother? Will she give back to the community? Can they agree on how to raise children and how to handle money?

I plan on asking her to do the same (we have been working with her also for marriage). He has been "processing" this request for weeks. So, my question is can I use kibud av v'em to get him to listen to me?

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    As a son, I would say he might resist, as he seems to have been doing. You should have grandchildren, b'ezrat Hashem, but forcing him to get married doesn't sound like a good idea to me. Jul 1, 2014 at 16:11
  • Welcome to Mi Yodeya. I think that the on-going mitzvah to procreate is the primary obligation, and the fear of attending parent-teacher conferences into one's 50s would be incentive enough for me. A good friend of mine, who had his first children (twins) at age 51 recognized that by the time he needs a wheel chair, his sons might be old enough to push. Jul 1, 2014 at 16:59
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    I suspect incidentally you mean mora not kibud. Kibud is catering to; mora includes not contradicting (and hence doing what you want if you'll find out he didn't). In any event, please CYLOR for practical matters instead of relying on what you read here.
    – msh210
    Jul 1, 2014 at 17:50
  • @BruceJames - I attended school meetings for my kids in my 50's and the only thing that embarrassed me was to see many of my son's classmates' parents behave almost as immaturely as their kids. Several of my friends married in their 40's and 50's and had their first children then. One had twins (their 5th and 6th child) close to 60. He manages fine and is in good health. Offhand, I think the writer should not make a huge issue about the kid's age. They will self-discover the right union in their due time. Also, even if someone thinks they are an "ideal couple", doesn't make it so in reality.
    – DanF
    Jul 1, 2014 at 21:22
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    While I understand parents' concerns to get their kids married quickly, (I have kids and I'd like to enjoy my grandkids while I still have some hair left for them to pull out!) I am also concerned with the high divorce rate among religious couples. Many of these cases occur among young couples who were pushed early into marriage, and neither spouse developed proper communication or "reality" skills to understand how to deal with life's and marriages big challenges that inevitably occur. Consider this factor, perhaps, before you push your kids just because of their age. Is it about you or them?
    – DanF
    Jul 2, 2014 at 15:27

1 Answer 1


The Rama 240:25 writes :

הגה: וכן אם האב מוחה בבן לישא איזו אשה שיחפוץ בה הבן – אין צריך לשמוע אל האב (מהרי"ק שורש קס"ז).

If a father protests a marriage a son does not have to listen.

I would assume to get married to a specific girl is also not under kibbud Av.

  • 3
    To go on a date may be different
    – sam
    Jul 1, 2014 at 16:35
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    The premise in the question is to date for the purpose of marriage, not a "companinonship / fun" date. I assume that the boy and girl understand this purpose, also.
    – DanF
    Jul 1, 2014 at 17:18

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