What does it say about chibuk and nishuk (kissing and hugging) shelo b'shas tashmish (not during relations) with one's wife in Sifrei Halacha or Hashkafa?

Among madrichei chassanim (those that teach someone about getting married) there are different derachim (ways of teaching) in this regard (especially between litvish and chassidish.) However I'm curious to know if this is spoken about at all in Sifrei Halacha or Hashkafa especially from earlier sources (not necessarily new seforim however that would also be a valuable source in this discussion.)

Much of the time what I heard those that discourage it is because of the possibility that one will come to be motzei zera l'vateleh. As well as other points of one's level of "Kedusha" (Holiness) etc.

While this point is something that each person needs to work out for himself and to be discussed with a Rabbi or Mashpia, Madrichei Chassanim, etc still I'm looking rather for sources on the issue.

  • 1
  • 2
    @DoubleAA That sefer is the go-to source for all ShuT of sexual nature....
    – Yehoshua
    Oct 9, 2016 at 21:25
  • 2
    תורה היא וללמדה אני צריך Worth checking out Benei Vanim too. It's always refreshing to see rabbis writing who don't seem to have their heads in the sand...
    – Double AA
    Oct 9, 2016 at 21:29
  • 1
    @DoubleAA He's also a good source. Asher Chanan though tackles more issues I think and is a bit more makil.
    – Yehoshua
    Oct 9, 2016 at 21:31
  • @DoubleAA thanks, agreed. Or a rabbi can feel good about writing that absolutely everything is assur, and meanwhile everyone will just ignore them.
    – Shalom
    Oct 3, 2021 at 12:40

2 Answers 2


There's an Igros Moshe about it where Rabbi Moshe Feinstein makes absolutely clear that it is appropriate for one to hug and kiss one's wife (in a private setting) during any time of the month in which it is allowable. (If someone has a serious problem with premature ejaculation they should get therapy.)


Pischei Teshuva Y.D. 184 #22 quotes the Even Shoham as saying that even though it is forbidden to cohabit with one's wife at the time of her expected menstruation (סמוך לוסתה),

מכל מקום מותרת לטבול אפילו בליל שבת אף שאין זקוק לה בעלה כיון דכל מיני קורבא שרי רק תשמיש אסור ושאר מיני קורבא נמי מצוה

...in any event, it is permissible for her to immerse, even on Shabbos night (when there are issues with going to mikveh for no reason), even though her husband will not cohabit with her, since all other types of closeness besides for relations are permitted, and all other types of closeness are also a mitzvah

The Maharam of Lublin responsum #53 (cited in Shach Y.D. 197:3) says the same thing, and is more implicit of the general nature of this idea (as opposed to a mikvah-evening related idea)1.

1 The Maharam Lublin first goes to prove from various sources that the halachic concept of making one's wife happy extends to "other forms of closeness", and then writes that these other forms of closeness are included in Rava's general injunction to make one's wife happy (Pesachim 72b), which applies at all times of the month, independently from the mitzvah of reproduction and any onah obligation, as is clear in the Gemara there.

  • Is he saying they are a Mitzva specifically in the context of Friday night or Mikva night (some sort of fulfillment of an Onah then even without Tashmish (like פוקדה בדברים)) or even in general?
    – Double AA
    Jan 10, 2016 at 15:05
  • @DoubleAA I looked up the teshuva today, and it's rather dispositive - all of the discussion happens to be about going to mikveh when relations are forbidden, so it isn't so clear if that is the driving motivation. I may look again tomorrow and go through it more carefully if I have a chance. Jan 12, 2016 at 4:21
  • +1 see files.ctctcdn.com/49c02d16001/… for a related application (I don't know how she would do Chafifa)
    – Double AA
    Feb 9, 2016 at 20:51

You must log in to answer this question.

Not the answer you're looking for? Browse other questions tagged .