While a woman is nidda and she and her husband are observing harchakot, is it permitted for them to tell each other, "I love you," or is that too suggestive of a statement for the nidda period?

  • 2
    I've not previously heard the idea that certain speech could be prohibited during niddah (beyond, I suppose, explicit suggestions to transgress). Is that a common restriction? If not, could you say something about why you believe this could be a problem? Sep 4, 2012 at 22:07
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    @MonicaCellio Well, the Shulchan Aruch rules (YD 195:1) that he cannot act "playfully and lightheadedly with her, even with words, lest they come to sin". Whether "I love you" is included or not remains to be seen.
    – Double AA
    Sep 4, 2012 at 22:17
  • Why wasn't this question closed on the basis of asking for a psak halachah?
    – Ani Yodea
    Jul 10, 2015 at 13:11
  • @AniYodea As I understand the rules, closure for being a request for psak happens when a question contains many personal details and is unlikely to be helpful in a general sense for people browsing the web. In other words, it is unlikely for a person to find himself in the exact situation described in the question. The scenario in this question is not particular to one individual person; it comes up for all Jewish married couples.
    – Daniel
    Jul 10, 2015 at 13:16
  • @Daniel, I see, thanks for the clarification.
    – Ani Yodea
    Jul 10, 2015 at 13:18

4 Answers 4


Someone asked this of Rabbi Yaakov Hopfer, a major posek on these matters in Baltimore. He said without hesitation that it was permissible.

His interpretation of the prohibition on "s'chok vekalut rosh" is "behavior that is suggestive or disinhibiting." I don't see a normal "I love you" as either of those.

  • 1
    +1. This also seems to be the plain meaning of the words of the isur. E.g., the Aruch Hashulchan (195:4): "And he shall not make light his head with her with words if they make sexuality common…".
    – msh210
    Sep 5, 2012 at 2:53
  • For contrast, I heard in the name of Rabbi Burger in Baltimore that it's forbidden. Didn't confirm though
    – robev
    Nov 18, 2019 at 19:22
  • @robev believe it's Berger with an 'e'.
    – Shalom
    Nov 18, 2019 at 21:15

A person whose wife is nidah is still obligated to love her as much as he loves himself; anything he says in order to "lessen the tension in the air" is permitted (Nit'ei Gavriel 33:4 and footnote 8). So I guess to say "I love you" to "lessen the tension in the air" is permitted, but to say it for no reason may be closer to lightheadedness.

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    A more accurate translation than "to lessen the tension in the air" might be "to cultivate a pleasant atmosphere in the home." I am only nitpicking because I think the latter has more positive connotation.
    – Dov F
    Sep 5, 2012 at 1:32

According to Rebbetzin Faige Luban, a kallah teacher in Edison, NJ, it is required.

  • +1. Any idea why she says it's required? I mean, is it just a continuation of a general requirement, or is it specific to the nida timespan?
    – msh210
    Sep 11, 2012 at 15:05
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    I'm mostly guessing/theorizing, but I'd say it is because niddah can be a time when there is less feeling of love, and telling your wife that you love her creates emotional closeness to bridge the physical distance. This may be somewhat akin to something else she said: There is sometimes a feeling soon after Shabbat/yomtov of reticence to touch the light switches, forgetting that Shabbat has ended. This feeling can occur with a spouse after niddah. She thinks it should not. "Your wife is never muktze." Sep 11, 2012 at 15:51
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    @msh210 Along similar lines, a wife may be at risk for "blaming" herself for becoming a Niddah and which can be an "annoyance" (even though menstruation is natural and healthy), so a reassurance of the closeness of the relationship on the husband's part may be extra important during that time.
    – Double AA
    Jun 19, 2014 at 5:03

There is no prohibition to saying "I love you" to your wife. Having love for your wife is very important in Judaism!

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    Making love with your wife is also extremely important in Judaism, but it is prohibited at certain times.
    – Double AA
    May 27, 2015 at 1:20

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