Why were only men allowed to divorce for sexual impurity? Did men not also commit sexual misconduct? [duplicate]

Question

Note: this question was posted to Biblical Hermeneutics yesterday, and did not attract a response. As this is a question about the Law of Moses, I'm open to a Jewish explanation as well. This question seems related, though not the same; but I am looking for a more Bible-focused explanation, as the rest of additional Jewish traditions are unfamiliar to me: Can a wife demand a divorce from a cheating husband.

In Deuteronomy 22 and 24, only men were allowed to produce a bill of divorce. Although in the case of adultery, both sexes are criminally responsible, in the case of Deuteronomy 22 and 24, there does not seem to be an equivalent law for women finding such uncleanness in their husband.

(Deuteronomy 24:1, Koren trans.) When a man has taken a wife, and married her, and it come to pass that she find no favour in his eyes, because he has found some unseemliness in her: then let him write her a bill of divorce, and give it in her hand, and send her out of his house.

(Deuteronomy 22:13-15, Koren trans.) If any man take a wife, and go in to her, and hate her, and lay accusing speeches against her, and bring out an evil name upon her, saying, I took this woman, and when I came to her, I found her not to be a virgin: then shall the father of the girl, and her mother, take and bring forth the tokens of the girl’s virginity to the elders of the city in the gate

It is my understanding that rabbis generally also allowed women to divorce their husbands. That is a broader issue. But the more specific question is, could there not be uncleanness found in a man, as in general sexual indecency, impropriety, or something of the like, which, though not at the level of adultery (for which the punishment is death), would legally allow divorce -- a male equivalent to women's purity laws? And if not, why not?

Obviously the Bible is not completely egalitarian, but I wonder how to address this in today's context, where this is seen as a slight against women, who would not have had the same recourse as men. How do theologians explain this apparent unfairness towards women?

Duplicate note:

The following duplicate has been suggested: In adultery, why is a wife is guilty, and a husband not?. The proposed duplicate asks why the husband is not guilty. My question asks why the wife has no recourse.

Related questions:

Did Moses compromise by allowing the Israelites to divorce in Deutoronomy 24:1?

What does the phrase "uncleanliness in her" refer to in Deuteronomy 24:1?

Answer 1

B"H

First, that reference from Deuteronomy 22:13-15 (really extending to -20 and on) is talking about a case where she cheated on him after becoming engaged to him but before marrying him, which is a capital offense.

Rashi ibid:20

20. But if this matter was true: [indeed,] no evidence of the girl's virginity was found. כ. וְאִם־אֱמֶ֣ת הָיָ֔ה הַדָּבָ֖ר הַזֶּ֑ה לֹֽא־נִמְצְא֥וּ בְתוּלִ֖ים לַנַּֽעֲרָֽה (כתיב לנער)

But if this matter was true: [as corroborated] by witnesses, and there was warning, [proving] that she had committed adultery after her betrothal. — [Keth. 44b]

וְאִם־אֱמֶת הָיָה הַדָּבָר: בְּעֵדִים וְהַתְרָאָה, שֶׁזִּנְּתָה לְאַחַר אֵרוּסִין (כתובות מ"ד):

According to Torah law, a man is allowed to have more than one wife, but not the other way around. There's no unique "sin" for a man to commit adultery as there is for a woman (besides for the other sins involved for having relations with someone he's not married to/a niddah etc), although if he does cheat on her then that is grounds for her to initiate a divorce (see later).

In terms of being "fair" and "moral": morality is defined by the Creator. He made everything, He decides what's good and what's bad.

The Rambam tells us that all of the laws of forbidden relationships are known as chukim, Mitzvos who's reasoning is not known to us.

They have deep spiritual reasons, some that only the Creator knows about, but not all of them can be understood by the intellect of created beings.

The Rambam does say that however much reason one can give these commandments, one should give (end of h. Meila), but (ibid) the main reason of them is still hidden from us.

In terms of a woman being able to divorce a man because of immodest behavior, many rabbis say that if she simply doesn't want to continue being with him then she can initiate a divorce, especially if the man has been involved excessively with other women, even when no adultery was found.

A woman may demand a divorce from her husband, if he has been found to be philandering with other women. There need not be proof of his having committed adultery, just of his having cavorted with other women. Even his causing her a bad name through his lecherous actions is likewise considered legitimate justification for the wife launching a divorce action. If the wife feels repulsed by her husband, it is wrong to force her to remain in the union

Now to the question of what specifically is meant by "immodest behavior" by the women, the Rambam references the verse in hilchos geirushin 10:20-22:

22 It is a mitzvah to divorce a woman who possesses unsavory character traits and does not conduct herself modestly73, as is the practice of proper daughters of Israel, as [implied by Proverbs 22:10]: "Drive away the scoffer, and contention will depart."

When a woman has been divorced for loose moral conduct,74 it is not fitting for a proper man to marry her, lest people say: "This one sent away this wicked woman, and this one brought her home."

כב אִשָּׁה רָעָה בְּדֵעוֹתֶיהָ וְשֶׁאֵינָהּ צְנוּעָה כִּבְנוֹת יִשְׂרָאֵל הַכְּשֵׁרוֹת מִצְוָה לְגָרְשָׁהּ שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר (משלי כב י) ״‎גָּרֵשׁ לֵץ וְיֵצֵא מָדוֹן״‎. וְאִשָּׁה שֶׁנִּתְגָּרְשָׁה מִשּׁוּם פְּרִיצוּת אֵין רָאוּי לְאָדָם כָּשֵׁר שֶׁיִּשָּׂאֶנָּה. שֶׁלֹּא יֹאמְרוּ זֶה הוֹצִיא רְשָׁעָה מִבֵּיתוֹ וְזֶה מַכְנִיסָהּ:

And in hilchos ishus 24:11-12 the Rambam explains exactly what is meant:

11 The following are the actions for which a woman is considered to have "violated the faith of Moses":

a) going out to the marketplace with her hair uncovered;25

b) taking vows or oaths that she does not keep;

c) engaging in sexual relations [with her husband] while in the niddah state;

d) failing to separate challah or feeding her husband food that is forbidden to eat - needless to say, this applies to forbidden crawling animals and animals that were not ritually slaughtered; it applies even to produce that was not tithed.26

How can the latter [two] matters be known? For example, she said: "So and so, the priest, [separated tithes] from this produce for me," "So and so separated challah [from this dough]," "So and so, the Sage, said this stain does not render me a niddah" - and after eating the food or engaging in sexual relations with her, the husband asked the person whose name was mentioned and he denied the occurrence of the incident. Another example: a woman's [conduct caused] it to be established in her neighborhood that she was in the niddah state,27 but she told her husband that she was ritually pure. He engaged in relations with her [and afterwards discovered the truth].

יא וְאֵלּוּ הֵן הַדְּבָרִים שֶׁאִם עָשְׂתָה אַחַת מֵהֶן עָבְרָה עַל דַּת משֶׁה. יוֹצְאָה בַּשּׁוּק וּשְׂעַר רֹאשָׁהּ גָּלוּי. אוֹ שֶׁנּוֹדֶרֶת אוֹ שֶׁנִּשְׁבַּעַת וְאֵינָהּ מְקַיֶּמֶת. אוֹ שֶׁשִּׁמְּשָׁה מִטָּתָהּ וְהִיא נִדָּה. אוֹ שֶׁאֵינָהּ קוֹצָה לָהּ חַלָּה. אוֹ שֶׁהֶאֱכִילָה אֶת בַּעְלָהּ דְּבָרִים אֲסוּרִים, אֵין צָרִיךְ לוֹמַר שְׁקָצִים וּרְמָשִׂים וּנְבֵלוֹת, אֶלָּא דְּבָרִים שֶׁאֵינָן מְעֻשָּׂרִין. וְהֵיאַךְ יוֹדֵעַ דָּבָר זֶה כְּגוֹן שֶׁאָמְרָה לוֹ פֵּרוֹת אֵלּוּ פְּלוֹנִי כֹּהֵן תִּקְּנָם לִי וְעִסָּה זוֹ פְּלוֹנִית הִפְרִישָׁה לִי חַלָּתָהּ וּפְלוֹנִי הֶחָכָם טִהֵר לִי אֶת הַכֶּתֶם וְאַחַר שֶׁאָכַל אוֹ בָּא עָלֶיהָ שָׁאַל אוֹתוֹ פְּלוֹנִי וְאָמַר לֹא הָיוּ דְּבָרִים מֵעוֹלָם. וְכֵן אִם הֻחְזְקָה נִדָּה בִּשְׁכֵנוֹתֶיהָ וְאָמְרָה לְבַעְלָהּ טְהוֹרָה אֲנִי וּבָא עָלֶיהָ:

12 What is meant by "the Jewish faith"? The customs of modesty that Jewish women practice. When a woman performs any of the following acts, she is considered to have violated the Jewish faith:

a) she goes to the marketplace or a lane with openings at both ends without having her head [fully] covered - i.e., her hair is covered by a handkerchief, but not with a veil like all other women,28

b) she spins [flax or wool] with a rose on her face29 - on her forehead or on her cheek - like immodest gentile women,

c) she spins in the marketplace and shows her forearms to men;30

d) she plays frivolously with young lads,

e) she demands sexual intimacy from her husband in a loud voice until her neighbors hear her talking about their intimate affairs, or

f) she curses her husband's father in her husband's presence.31

יב וְאֵי זוֹ הִיא דָּת יְהוּדִית הוּא מִנְהַג הַצְּנִיעוּת שֶׁנָּהֲגוּ בְּנוֹת יִשְׂרָאֵל. וְאֵלּוּ הֵן הַדְּבָרִים שֶׁאִם עָשְׂתָה אַחַת מֵהֶן עָבְרָה עַל דָּת יְהוּדִית. יוֹצְאָה לַשּׁוּק אוֹ לְמָבוֹי מְפֻלָּשׁ וְרֹאשָׁהּ פָּרוּעַ וְאֵין עָלֶיהָ רְדִיד כְּכָל הַנָּשִׁים. אַף עַל פִּי שֶׁשְּׂעָרָהּ מְכֻסֶּה בְּמִטְפַּחַת. אוֹ שֶׁהָיְתָה טוֹוָה בַּשּׁוּק וּוֶרֶד וְכַיּוֹצֵא בּוֹ כְּנֶגֶד פָּנֶיהָ עַל פַּדַּחְתָּהּ אוֹ עַל לְחָיֶיהָ כְּדֶרֶךְ שֶׁעוֹשׂוֹת הָעַכּוּ''ם הַפְּרוּצוֹת. אוֹ שֶׁטּוֹוָה בַּשּׁוּק וּמַרְאֵית זְרוֹעוֹתֶיהָ לִבְנֵי אָדָם. אוֹ שֶׁהָיְתָה מְשַׂחֶקֶת עִם הַבַּחוּרִים. אוֹ שֶׁהָיְתָה תּוֹבַעַת הַתַּשְׁמִישׁ בְּקוֹל רָם מִבַּעְלָהּ עַד שֶׁשְּׁכֵנוֹתֶיהָ שׁוֹמְעוֹת אוֹתָהּ מְדַבֶּרֶת עַל עִסְקֵי תַּשְׁמִישׁ. אוֹ שֶׁהָיְתָה מְקַלֶּלֶת אֲבִי בַּעְלָהּ בִּפְנֵי בַּעְלָהּ:

Answer 2

The verses you are quoting do not support your thesis that there is only a concept of "sexual decency" for women but not men. See Y DJ's answer for a basic Scriptual source that proves men are not allowed to be indecent, and there are many more.

The Torah is very concerned about marriages. A marriage is a sacred bond between a man and a woman. The Torah recognises that sometimes a marriage has lost certain qualities - including a solid bond between the husband and wife - and therefore it would be better that they are divorced rather than remain married.

The verses you are quoting are not providing any more information than the following:

1. A husband must initiate a divorce (24)
2. A husband must do so willingly (24)
3. A example of grounds for him to do so would be if he finds his wife to be repulsive (24, and the Torah is recognising that most men find sexual indecency in women to be repuslive, as an example)
4. If a woman tells her husband she is a virgin before marriage, and he discovers that she isn't, that is grounds for divorce (22 - see also Core of reality's answer regarding how this is related to actual adultery, rather than virginity - it is allowed for a Jew to marry a non-virgin)
5. Her family has the opportunity to prove her innocence, and clear her name (22).
6. If her innocence is proven, he is punished (22).

These are general principles and they do not imply anything about what a woman can and can't ask for a divorce for, so there is no use making presumptions. Indeed, looking at point 3) we can learn that if a woman finds her husband repulsive, she very likely has the right to demand a divorce, and courts will enforce it.

This can include him being sexually promiscuous, not providing her conjugal rights, not supporting her financially, losing a limb, or even developing bad breath! See SA EH 154.

It is fair to note that the Torah does concern itself with a woman's sexual purity more than a man's, but that is for several reasons that, again, do not imply that there is no such thing as indecency by men. It's partly legal, partly practical, and partly just recognition of basic human psychology - men and women's concerns are asymmetrical, but asymmetry does not imply bias or unfairness.

Answer 3

There is a clear prohibition for promiscuity Devarim 23:18 for both men and women:

לֹא־תִהְיֶ֥ה קְדֵשָׁ֖ה מִבְּנ֣וֹת יִשְׂרָאֵ֑ל וְלֹֽא־יִהְיֶ֥ה קָדֵ֖שׁ מִבְּנֵ֥י יִשְׂרָאֵֽל׃

There shall be no Jewish woman promiscuous/prostitute, and not a Jewish man be promiscuous/prostitute.

The understanding of the words קָדֵ֖שׁ / קְדֵשָׁ֖ה may have association with ancient cults like Babylonian Ishtar, but in modern times it seems to be interpreted as promiscuous on the OU website https://outorah.org/p/6168. I do not know if this is strong enough to be grounds for divorce, especially when either a man or a woman can do teshuvah.