The situation is a couple where both the man and woman are not interested in consummating the marriage, but they want to get married because they are in love and they want the companionship. How would kiddushin and nisuin work in a situation like this? The woman would not be doing bedikot and going to the mikvah. Would an Orthodox rabbi still be willing to marry them?

  • 1
    Why do they need to get married? Jul 23, 2023 at 5:28
  • 1
    Well of course they should get married. This is no different to an elderly man and woman getting married.
    – The GRAPKE
    Jul 23, 2023 at 5:56
  • Different but related: judaism.stackexchange.com/q/129470/31534
    – Rabbi Kaii
    Jul 23, 2023 at 9:35
  • 2
    If she doesn't go to the mikvah then there will be restrictions on their marriage. Ie passing things to each other, eating alone together without a reminder, beds apart, etc.
    – robev
    Jul 23, 2023 at 10:00
  • @robev Also possible yichud issues, if she was not tehora at the chuppa (or even if she was but there was no consummation before her next period, although presumably in such a case one could be mekil).
    – Joel K
    Jul 23, 2023 at 10:36

1 Answer 1


This is the kind of question that will, in practice, have to run through a personal Rabbi who knows the couple and the situation. It seems there might indeed be Rabbis who would marry the couple, as this is even done sometimes for a homosexual couple (an orthodox man and a woman who are not attracted to each other but wish to fulfil the mitzvot and seek companionship and therefore marry - it happens!):

איש ואשה שיש להם נטייה חזקה לבני מינם, וקבלו על עצמם לכרות ברית נאמנות ביניהם, ולהיות חברים טובים זה לזה, ולהשתדל לקיים מצוות עונה כפי יכולתם, יכולים לקיים את מצוות הנישואין באופן זה, ולהקים משפחה טובה.

A man and a woman who both have same-sex attraction may decide to marry each other, be faithful, be great friends to each other, and try to observe the mitzva of ona to the best of their abilities. They may fulfil the mitzva of marriage in this way and raise a fine family.

This does not answer the details of your questions. Given what Rav Melamed wrote here, I would imagine that the Rabbi would do everything he can to persuade the couple to study the Torah ideals of love and morality, and reach a deeper understanding of love and intimacy than most people ever would (many people are led by their passions to do so out of urge, rather than holiness), and they indeed might find down the line they wish to fulfil all of the mitzvot available in a holy marriage:

וגדול שכרם של המצליחים להתגבר על יצרם, ומתוך אחריות מוסרית עמוקה בונים זוגיות נאמנה ואוהבת ומקימים משפחה. וכפי שאמרו חכמים (אבות ה, כג): "לפום צערא אגרא". ולא רק בעולם הבא יזכו לשכר, אלא אף בעולם הזה, מפני שכדי להתגבר על יצרם יצטרכו להעמיק יותר ביסודות האהבה והמוסר, וממילא יזכו לחברות עמוקה יותר, וכדרך שאמרו חכמים (ברכות לד, ב): "במקום שבעלי תשובה עומדים אין צדיקים גמורים יכולים לעמוד"

The reward of those who succeed in overcoming their urges and who, out of deep moral responsibility, establish a committed, loving marital relationship and raise a family, is very great. As the Sages state, “According to the suffering is the reward” (Avot 5:23). They merit reward not only in the next world but in our world as well. This is because in order to overcome their urge [or lack of urge?], they must delve deeply into the foundations of love and morality. Doing so allows them to experience a deeper intimacy. It is reminiscent of the Sages’ statement, “Where penitents stand, even completely righteous people cannot stand” (Berakhot 34b)

[square bracket comments mine]

By doing so, this couple makes the world better, as whatever efforts we make in kedusha produce results that are available to everyone. Certainly, this is an area of the human condition that could use more heroes saving the day for all of us!

וזה נעשה על ידי אותם אנשים שאינם חשים תשוקה טבעית, ואע"פ כן מתוך קבלת עול מלכות שמיים, כורתים ברית נאמנות עם בת זוגם. ועליהם אמרו חכמים (שבת פח, א) שהם "עושים מאהבה ושמחים בייסורים, ועליהם הכתוב אומר (שופטים ה, לא): "וְאֹהֲבָיו כְּצֵאת הַשֶּׁמֶשׁ בִּגְבֻרָתוֹ".

This is accomplished by the very same people who do not feel a natural desire for the opposite sex, and yet enter into a covenant to be faithful to their spouse, out of a desire to accept upon themselves the yoke of the kingdom of Heaven. Thus, the Sages declare, “People who act out of love and are happy in their suffering are the subject of the verse, ‘Those who love God are like the sun rising in might’ (Shoftim 5:31)” (Shabbat 88b)

Source: Peninei Halakhah, Simchat Habayit U'Virkhato

Again, the particulars should certainly go through a Rabbi. It might not be permitted to marry if the wife refuses to go to the mikva etc, and I'm sure there is a huge amount of halachot to consider!


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