I’ve been struggling with this question and have found some sources that allows one to refrain from positive commandments especially if they are not available to him.

The big one being “Marriage” so much of Judaism focuses on marriage and seeking a wife and having children, but if one simply cannot find his “ideal marriage partner

As in he has not been blessed by gd yet with a suitable match, is it better to just marry anyone and try to make it work or is it better to wait and refrain from that mitzvah.

And when i say “marry anyone” i mean literally marry the first woman that takes interest in you.

I see many single men today who simply are just not interested in forcing themselves to a life of responsibility and pressure.

So i guess my question would be: If the above is the case would it just be better not to marry until one finds the exact one that he is looking for?

And if the man just doesnt simply find his prtner in this life will he be punished for it?

  • 1
    I see no reason why he should be punished. Arguably, such a man could devote his life to Torah.
    – Turk Hill
    Commented Jun 7, 2021 at 4:58
  • 1
    Very unlikely man would do that. See Yevamos 62 and Chagiga 2
    – Moshe
    Commented Jun 7, 2021 at 5:18
  • 1
    The goal isn't to simply get married...ideally it should be a meaningful and lasting relationship. Marrying the first woman might lead to the mitzvah of geirushin, but that's not something to strive for. Also if a person tries to get married but isn't given the opportunity why would they be punished.
    – robev
    Commented Jun 7, 2021 at 8:14
  • Possible duplicate judaism.stackexchange.com/q/61433/759
    – Double AA
    Commented Jun 7, 2021 at 11:46
  • “As in he has not been blessed by G-d yet with a suitable match…” Nonsense. Sotah 2a. Forty days before an embryo is formed your match has already been assigned. Someone out there is waiting for you. Commented Jun 10, 2021 at 0:25

1 Answer 1


Marriage isn't technically a commandment in itself. The Kiddushin prior to the ceremony may be but that is arguably a separate process.

Procreation is a commandment - (Peru Urvu) - but procreation cannot occur without a marriage. Technically, you're not required to marry but if you're suppose to have a family then it comes with the package.

You're discussing more the issues of finding the best partner to spend your life with vs the fantasy in your head.

We all deal with this. The issue relates partially to modern society and the constant need to "upgrade" or "hold out" for the better option.

You're never going to find the "perfect" match because that isn't how marriage works.

Chabad has an article which discusses this:

Too many people remain single simply because they are waiting to meet Mr. or Ms. Perfect. While certain qualities must remain non-negotiable – such as the ones mentioned above – one should be willing to compromise concerning other non-essential preferences. Some examples of "negotiable" qualities are: appearances, career choices, political views, and nationality.

In simple words, one should not rule out dating certain people simply because they have a certain physical build, hair or eye color, or profession. Oftentimes people are surprised to find that they can be intensely attracted to, and deeply love, someone who doesn't exactly fit their original vision of a perfect spouse.

When looking to purchase a home, the most important factor to be taken in consideration is its structural soundness. After ascertaining that the house will not collapse as a result of a shaky foundation or shoddy construction, then the décor and layout are considered. And unless building from scratch – an option which is not yet available with regards to a spouse – no one ever finds a home which exactly matches their stylistic wish list.

No one is perfect. A person who meets all the major criteria and most of your minor preferences is someone you should seriously consider.

Instead of circumventing marriage and circumventing relationships, I think you need to take some time to really try and nail down what it is you want and need in a relationship. You seem conflicted and it seems that some part of the problem is a need to hold out for the fantasy in your mind while ignoring real and genuine people in front of you.

You can't do that. It's not a functional way to go about this and you'll end up old and alone while waiting for the person in your head to materialize.

You're not alone in this but you may end up alone if you stick to this.

  • I appreciate the answer but wouldn’t you say it’s better to be “alone” than to be in a marriage that you would not be happy with. Commented Jun 8, 2021 at 5:14
  • @TheTribeOfJudah I would say you have already guaranteed you will be alone if you approach this with your current mindset. Even without stating it, you have basically accepted no one exists for you. It's true some people are single for life and that's an option. I'm just saying you're treating this as an inevitability and that is fueling this. Love is layered. We're taught there are different levels of love and the lust we feel initially is the promise of greater intimacy and connection when we put the work into a marriage. Relationships aren't suppose to be easy, even if it's true love.
    – Michael
    Commented Jun 8, 2021 at 18:56
  • You might be right but I couldn’t live with someone that I wasn’t attracted to willingly unless of course i had no choice but to- it wouldn’t be a marriage based off attraction but out of necessity and thats simply not fair to the other person so i just couldnt do that either. In a perfect world i’d meet someone i was extremely attracted to from an intellectual perspective and physical perspective paired with a kind individual but that hasn’t been going so smoothly so i was just curious about the repercussions Commented Jun 9, 2021 at 20:57

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