Well to start off, since a very young age I have suffered from quite severe and crushing OCD (as the title would suggest). Now of course I am used to having such a wicked condition interfere with my life in many aspects, I have been since childhood.
However, one aspect of my condition is having to deal with intrusive thoughts. Most often these are the most unpleasant and uncomfortable thoughts the mind can torment someone with, and will continue to do so.
Please understand that these thoughts do not represent someone's character, rather they are often in direct opposition to it and quite distressing most of the time. I've often nicknamed my condition "Satan" for this among many other reasons.
Now I also have a habit of rambling on so I'll get more to the point. Lately these intrusive thoughts have been disturbing me during prayer more than any other time. Now this is nothing new, but prayer has often been somewhat a safe haven from this, but now the floodgates have opened and I'm struggling to shut them back up.
Basically the thoughts are getting so bad that I struggle to even pray sometimes, and doing so has became distressing in itself because of it. In particular (and as I asked please do not judge, as these thoughts are in opposition to myself and character) I keep getting images stuck in my mind of idols, sexual acts and sights, gruesome images and even outright blasphemy against HaShem (may he forgive and have mercy upon me).
It has gotten to the point where I have even started to worry that my prayer is invalid because of this, worthless even. Perhaps I'm being irrational, but aside from constantly breaking my Kavanah, I feel like my words and actions are ruined and defiled by these thoughts, to the point where I wonder if I should even bother. My joy has become my sorrow.
Anyway apologies for the lack of any actual question yet, so what I would like to ask is basically what should I do? I understand these thoughts are out of my control and that surely HaShem knows and understands this also, but I still can't shake that feeling of worthlessness, shame and even wrongdoing because of them.
My intent and thoughts are obviously not one and the same, but how can one maintain Kavanah with such evil plaguing his mind? I can barely even focus on the words at times.
I'm sorry if this is not the most clear or appropriate question, but I didn't know where else I should ask. My condition is quite embarrassing for me, and I do feel great shame in having it never mind talking about it, especially this.
Thank you for any help and/or advice, it's greatly appreciated!