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As part of leading birkat hamazon (grace after meals) there is a custom for the leader to mention he has been given permission to lead by the male homeowner.
I am wondering if there is any discussion about whether or not to include, and if so how, the spouse (female co-owner) in this dialogue.
Ie: b'rshut baal habayit u'baalat habayit
Sample zimun texts for reference RCA Artscroll Siddur Tefillos.com
i've innovated: birshus ba'al habayis u'bizchus ba'alas habayis. i hope that is satisfactory to all without implying that the woman is asked to defer her priority to lead the benching... and it is the zchus of the female head of the household that enables the meal + the benching. acknowledgment of her integral contribution is imho also warranted for the sake of shalom bayis.
The Kol Bo (21) brings the custom to request permission before zimmun:
ומדרך המוסר לכל מי שיברך שיטול רשות מן הגדולים המסובים שם
This custom to say 'ברשות' before zimmun is found when someone who has the first rights to zimmun is present, like a baal habayis, father or a kohein.
Because women are not obligated in zimmun, there would seemingly be no reason to request their permission.
R' Yitzchok Zilberstein (Chashukei Chemed, Berachos pg 276) writes regarding three sons sitting by their mother, that the mevarech should say birshus imi morasi. Although a woman is not obligated in zimmun and therefore has no precedence, there is still a different reason to request permission from the mother. This is because the Rambam writes:
ולא ישב לפני רבו עד שיאמר לו שב, ולא יעמוד מלפניו עד שיאמר עמוד, או עד שיטול רשות לעמוד
Because the laws of kibbud em are similiar to kibbud rabo (see Pischei Teshuva YD 240:6), this would apply equally to one sitting with his mother. Therefore, there is reason to request permission even though she is not obligated in zimmun.
I heard a lecture on "the feminist movement in Judaism" that mentioned some examples that have direct נ"מ to your question:
We follow the rule of אשתו כגופו, like it is customary to address a couple as "Mr. and Mrs. Eli Berkowitz", so my wife is included with me. When we bless בעל הבית we refer to him, his spouse and his whole family.
As even Avizarayu deArayos are Deorayso (as with Rambam - לא תקרבו לגלות ערוה) the sages minimized possible interactions with married women. You know, first comes blessing, then winking and then we have 50% rate of divorces. So it might be considered immodest (in some communities).
Anyway, the part you're referring to is optional (either the beginning or the end of Birkas Hamozoyn) so everything that goes there is purely traditional (a Minhag).
