Is listening to one's parents considered honoring them or fearing them?

Question

Kiddushin 31b sets down the basic obligations of honoring and fearing of one's parents (brackets follow Rashi):

איזהו מורא ואיזהו כיבוד מורא לא עומד במקומו ולא יושב במקומו ולא סותר את דבריו ולא מכריעו כיבוד מאכיל ומשקה מלביש ומכסה מכניס ומוציא

What is fear and what is honor? Fear - do not stand in his place, nor sit in his place, nor contradict his words, nor support hi[s position]. Honor - feeding, giving to drink, dressing, covering, bringing in, taking out.

Let's say a parent tells his child, I dunno, to take the garbage out. Every Rabbi I've heard on the topic says that the child is obligated to do so, but why? It doesn't seem to fall under any of the examples listed here.

Answer 1

I heard a lecture by Rabbi Yisroel Reisman (of Brooklyn; one of his weekly-in-the-winter motzae Shabas lectures on N'viim) which cited various opinions and concluded, as best as I can recall, that at least some major pos'kim (halachic decisors) rule practically as follows: The command to revere/respect one's parents (mora) includes not contradicting them in such a way as they will find out about it. Thus, if your mother tells you that it's cold outside and that you must wear a sweater, then you must wear a sweater as long as you are within sight. However, once you are out of sight, and if she won't find out you didn't, there is no requirement to wear the sweater. (Wearing overclothes was actually the example used in the lecture.) The other command, to honor one's parents (kibud), means to do things for them, like feed them. This is whether they will know you did it or not, but wearing a sweater, or any other action that doesn't benefit them, is not included.

It seems to me, then, that, according that view, if your mother asks you to take out the garbage and will know whether you did so, it's in both categories. But consult your own rabbi for practical advice.

Answer 2

Depends on what you are doing:

Torah study is greater than the mitzvah of honoring parents. [Megillah 16b]

But in general, you don't have to obey your parents:

-If someone wants to pray in a synagogue where [the congregation] prays with more devotion, and his mother protests, he does not have to listen to his mother. [19th-century Russian rabbi Eisenstadt, Pitchei Teshuva, Yoreh Deah 240:22]

-If the father protests against the son marrying a specific woman that he wishes [to marry], the son does not have to listen to his father. [Rema on Shulchan Aruch Yoreh Deah 240:25] (But if she is not Jewish, or not moral, or not religious, he must listen to his father. [Chaim Hezekiah Medini, 19th-century Jerusalem rabbi, Sdei Chemed, Ma’arechet Caf 147])

-Many rabbis say that the mitzvah to dwell in Israel overrides the obligation to honor parents. Some disagree. [Contemporary rabbi Moshe Lieber, The Fifth Commandment, p 131]

-If a parent asks a son to shave his beard, he need not listen. If a parent tells a child not to speak to a certain person, the child need not obey. [Shulhan Arukh, Yoreh De'ah 240:16; Rabbi Shlomo Zalman Braun, She'arim Metzuyyanim Bahalakhah 143]

However, the Talmud says:

Rabbi Aha ben Yaakov raised his daughter's son, Rabbi Yaakov. When he grew up, [the grandfather] said to him: “Give me some water to drink”. He replied: “I am not your son.” [Sotah 49a]

This implies that, had he been the son, he would have had to obey.

My conclusion from all this: Generally, you must obey your parents when it's a matter that concerns primarily your parents and does not violate commandments, but not when it's a matter that concerns primarily you. There are exceptions. But yes, you must take out the garbage if it's THEIR garbage and you are not studying Torah at that moment. Otherwise you don't.

Answer 3

In "Honouring Parents in Halacha" by Rabbi Tzureil Ta'aseh (Feldheim) it says in the chapter of "The Laws of Honoring One's Father and Mother", p.44, 1:

Kibbud av va'em in deed means feeding one's parents (when necessary), giving them to drink, covering or dressing them, escorting them when they go into the house or when they go out if they need help, and generally serving them as a personal servant serves his master.

and 3:

All these aspects of honoring one's parents are obligatory even if they did not ask him to do them. Some say that if his parents ask him to done of the things mentioned above (such as feed them), and he does not do what they say, in addition to a failure in his obligation to honor them, he has also failed in his obligation to be in awe of them.

Page 47 also has a section on When Parents Do Not Benefit:

14. If one's parents want him to do or not to do something that brings no direct benefit to the parents, some say one need not heed what they say - for example, if they are afraid he will catch [a] cold and they want him to dress warmly. Others say that even in such a case he must heed them. The latter opinion is shared by most authorities in recent generations, and it is the main ruling. Everyone agrees that he does fulfill a mitzvah if he heeds what they say.

Based on this and what I have bolded, it is an obligation to obey one's parents (see the book for exceptions), and it arises from Kibbud. It also has aspects that touch in Yira.