THIS QUESTION IS ONLY IN JEST. "Purim Torah" is humorous and satirical writings customarily read on the Jewish holiday of Purim. Mi Yodeya has a great collection of Purim Torah, under this tag. For our collection of *real* Q&A about Judaism, see our home page: judaism.stackexchange.com.

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9
votes
2answers
179 views

What to do if your husband is muktzeh [closed]

My husband is muktzeh (he was born in the eighth month and is now nineteen). Our marriage is going well. However, sometimes on the three-day Yom Tov it becomes difficult that neither I nor anyone else ...
7
votes
4answers
1k views

Why do some questions require beer? [closed]

I've noticed that many questions in Jewish sources are concluded with the statement וצריך ביאור, this needs beer. Why are there some questions that require beer? Are these questions harder to answer ...
0
votes
1answer
55 views

Are tefillin considered milchig or fleishig? [closed]

Exodus 13:9: וְהָיָה֩ לְךָ֨ לְא֜וֹת עַל־יָדְךָ֗ וּלְזִכָּרוֹן֙ בֵּ֣ין עֵינֶ֔יךָ לְמַ֗עַן תִּהְיֶ֛ה תּוֹרַ֥ת יְהוָ֖ה בְּפִ֑יךָ כִּ֚י בְּיָ֣ד חֲזָקָ֔ה הוֹצִֽאֲךָ֥ יְהֹוָ֖ה מִמִּצְרָֽיִם׃ ...
2
votes
1answer
53 views

Who was R' Bonov [closed]

In the piyut "Maoz Tzur," it is written Rav Bonov and his belongings were hung on a tree Who was this R' Bonov and why was he hanged? This question is Purim Torah and is not intended to be ...
4
votes
3answers
100 views

Is it more heimish to say “Google” or “Giggle”? [closed]

I am concerned that saying "Google" (גוגל) is chukat ha-goyim and that I should definitely be saying "Giggle" (גיגל) instead. Kal v'chomer, I have heard many, l'havdil, Modern Orthodox and secular ...
0
votes
1answer
40 views

Why was Mordechai wearing a royal garmet with a hole in it? [closed]

Esther 8:15: ומרדכי יצא מלפני המלך בלבוש מלכות תכלת וחור And Mordecai went out from the presence of the king with a royal blue and holey royal garment I understand that while he was mourning ...
1
vote
2answers
47 views

Why didn't Haman just kill all the Jews in Russia? [closed]

Before, and perhaps while, Haman was Achashveirosh's viceroy he was the Tsar of Russia, as it says in Esther 7:6: וַתֹּאמֶר אֶסְתֵּר--אִישׁ צַר וְאוֹיֵב, הָמָן הָרָע הַזֶּה; And Ester said, a ...
1
vote
1answer
107 views

Why do people start going mad a week before Purim? [closed]

Last Thursday, a week before Purim, many of my Jewish friends and Jewish co-workers began going mad. They were frantically writing names of colleges on a grid marked on paper. It looked like there ...
3
votes
0answers
23 views

Helper-related vows [closed]

The Bavli, Shabas 93, brings several proofs to the proposition that מסייע אין בו ממש, one who helps is not tangible. On the other hand, a general rule of vows (n'darim), mentioned e.g. in the Bavli, ...
4
votes
2answers
762 views

So very much rain [closed]

Someone told me today that the Purim story starts in the third year of Achashverosh's rain. How can this be? After the forty days of Noach's rain, Hashem said he'd never bring such a big rain again! ...
1
vote
1answer
65 views

Is the Arcturan _kdopht_ kosher? [closed]

The Arcturan kdopht has nine legs, in three rows. The three left and three right hooves are cloven (in thirds), but the midline hooves are more like the surface of a rough file, with innumerable small ...
9
votes
3answers
512 views

What is the text of kiddush for Purim night? [closed]

My Otzar Hatiflus siddur only has the Kiddush for Purim day. What is the text of Kiddush for Purim night, and how does one incorporate havdala when Purim begins on Motzai Shabbat? This question is ...
1
vote
1answer
70 views

Where are the waters of Yodeya? [closed]

I'm very interested in finding some Yodeya water. Is it possibly a river or lake? Was it perhaps (as I saw in another answer) named after someone named Yodeya? This question is Purim Torah and is ...
6
votes
2answers
183 views

What drugs was Moshe on? [closed]

Shmot 30:34: ויאמר יהוה אל-משה קח-לך סמים... Hashem said to Moshe, take drugs... What was Moshe on? And where do we see examples of this? This question is Purim Torah and is not intended ...
1
vote
2answers
95 views

What is bothering Esther today? [closed]

Today is Tanis Esther, the day of Esther's "Taynos", which means claims or argument. What are Esther's claims? This question is Purim Torah and is not intended to be taken completely seriously. See ...
6
votes
1answer
100 views

Can grape juice be used for kiddush levana? [closed]

I understand that ideally red wine should generally be used for kiddush. On Pesach, I have heard that one should go to great lengths to drink wine (rather than grape juice) for the four cups at the ...
8
votes
2answers
1k views

Refuting my rav who says that using Mi Yodeya is a bad thing for someone to do? [closed]

I seem to be going in circles regarding the use of Mi Yodeya. As you can see, I have been a Mi Yodeya member for over a year. I find a lot of good information on it, and, B"H, my profile shows that I'...
2
votes
1answer
113 views

What is the deeper meaning of yo mama jokes in the Talmud? [closed]

The Talmud, in discussing the meaning of the word "אור," proposes astoundingly that: אלמא אור יממא הוא Thus we see that אור is yo mama Pesachim 2a Indeed, it's only a hava ameina....
4
votes
1answer
223 views

Are we going the wrong direction in marriage? [closed]

The Gemara in Yevamos 63a has the following instructions: נחית דרגא ונסיב איתתא Go down a step and marry a woman At every wedding I've been to, the wedding canopy has been elevated from the ...
1
vote
1answer
77 views

Passover blood and Bal Tashchis [closed]

The other day I read that during the exodus the Jews were commanded to take the blood of the Pesach and schmear it "on the two doorposts and the lentils, upon the houses wherein they shall eat it." (...
2
votes
0answers
108 views

A novel way to kasher a traif oven [closed]

Several years ago, a close friend, about to convert (not sure if it was herself, or me) asked me this: If placing a traif (non-kosher steak) in a kosher oven makes the entire oven traif, then to make ...
13
votes
3answers
1k views

What is the bracha when one eats the Torah? [closed]

I keep seeing all these questions which discuss "Purim Torah, Ingest" but they don't seem to address the rules of actually ingesting the Torah. I don't know how to treat the Torah when I eat it. If ...
4
votes
3answers
70 views

Why aren't sufganiot included in the latke-hamantasche debate? [closed]

As everybody knows, there is an ancient minhag of debating whether latkes or hamantaschen are better. But why does this debate not include sufganiot? I believe that sufganiot should have been ...
4
votes
3answers
138 views

How can one prevent women from attending shul this Shabbat? [closed]

While I have nothing against women or their attending shul on Shabbat or at any other time of the year, this Shabbat, in particular is שבת זכר , a Shabbat designated for just men. For some odd reason,...
4
votes
2answers
209 views

Which side was the Llama of Yetziat Mitzrayim on? [closed]

I am wondering about the role of the Llama in Yetziat Mitzrayim. Shmot 5:4: ויאמר אליהם, מלך מצרים, למה משה ואהרון, תפריעו את-העם ממעשיו לכו, לסבלותיכם And the King of Egypt said to them: ...
11
votes
2answers
247 views

What's so important about a lost blanket-rope? And how did it get lost anyway? [closed]

This question asks about how we can possibly know that our mesorah (tradition) is correct since we lost the chain of smicha. But what is so important about a chain of blankets? Such things are useful ...
1
vote
0answers
76 views

How did the Guide to the Perplexed affect thermodynamics? [closed]

Maimonides insists in Guide to the Perplexed that demons do not exist, despite mention of them in the Talmud. Some have later suggested that he wrote them out of existence! So what did that do to ...
6
votes
1answer
97 views

How do they perform the giving of a Half shekel in England? [closed]

If the half shekel one gives before Purim needs to be Male what do they use in England if all the coins have a picture of the Queen? Are there any with Kings or Princes on them? This question is ...
7
votes
5answers
757 views

What's the source/reason for allowing gay marriage for synagogue leaders? [closed]

I know that Judaism doesn't allow for marriage between two men. Apparently, there's an exception for those who lead the services in the synagogue. (In a number of very traditional synagogues, I've ...
5
votes
4answers
102 views

Why didn't Adam use the pen of earth? [closed]

The first Pasuk of the Torah: בְּרֵאשִׁ֖ית בָּרָ֣א אֱלֹהִ֑ים עט הַשָּׁמַ֖יִם ועט הָאָֽרֶץ׃ In the beginning God created the pen of the heaven and the pen of the earth. However, when talking ...
1
vote
1answer
81 views

Source of Jewish hospitality? [closed]

Last friday night I came into the synagogue. Hadn't been there since my Bar Mitzvah. As I walked in the entire synagogue turned towards me and greeted me singing a nice song. (something like "dodi ...
15
votes
3answers
1k views

Why do we play bagpipes, get drunk, and wear green on Moshe Rabbeinu's Yahrzeit [closed]

So today is Moshe Rabbeinu's Yahrzeit, and there are many people in the streets commemorating this by wearing green and drinking. There is also a large prevalence of bagpipes. I was wondering what ...
1
vote
3answers
74 views

Why was Rabban Gamli'el against Hassidic farmers? [closed]

I'm really puzzle by Rabban Gamliel's statement in Avot 2:5 וְלֹא עַם הָאָרֶץ חָסִיד A man of the earth (a farmer) cannot be a Hassid. I've met many Hassidic farmers who are wonder, humble, ...
-2
votes
1answer
67 views

Why does Rash"i seem bored frequently? [closed]

It seems that often Rash"i needs to explain a word in another language, he says *blahs" afterwards. An example: Rashi on Genesis 1:2: תהו אשטורדי"שון בְּלַעַ"ז: תהו is estordison - Blahs. Why does ...
-1
votes
2answers
53 views

What Bracha for Tefillin? [closed]

The Gemara in Sukkos on Daf 35a and 35b says: אבל חייב בכל המצות האמורות בתורה, חוץ מן התפילין, שהרי נאמר בהן פאר A mourner is obligated in all the mitzvot in the Torah, except for tefillin, ...
3
votes
1answer
53 views

How can I get my kids to do their chores without my reminding them? [closed]

When the Israelites were about to accept the Torah, they stated נעשה ונשמע - We will do (then) we will hear. In other words, the Israelites knew what they had to do even before they heard what G-d ...
0
votes
4answers
71 views

Why do we want to be roasted? [closed]

I frequently hear someone mention an unfortunate event and append "רחמנא לצלן / may God roast us". Seems like an odd request, especially in that context. Why are we asking God to roast us? ...
5
votes
3answers
144 views

How do Hassidic Jews maintain marital peace? [closed]

The Rema writes in Yoreh De'ah 185:3 מי שרוצה להחמיר על עצמו, שלא להאמין לה, מדת חסידות הוא One who wants to be stringent on himself and not trust his wife, this is characteristic of Hassidim....
3
votes
1answer
82 views

Hechacham Yihyeh o Sachal - mi yodeya? [closed]

Who knows whether he will be a wise man or a fool? החכם יהיה או סכל - מי יודע?‏ The controversial royal rumination Kohelet implies (in 2:19) a possible presupposition that there is a Jewish ...
1
vote
2answers
61 views

Why did the kohanim desire to entrap people? [closed]

The kohanim (priests) would have made the ketores (incense) have an aroma that no man would be able to resist – had it not been for the fact that the Torah prohibits it: וְעוֹד תָּנֵי בַּר ...
-1
votes
2answers
103 views

What is the best excuse to get out of doing the Zimun? [closed]

Rav Preida shows us good middot in Megillah 28a. He states: לא ברכתי לפני כהן I have not led a Zimun before a Kohein. Now, we know that all of Bnei Yisrael are considered Kohanim (Shmot 19:...
29
votes
8answers
2k views

Using the Force on Shabbat [closed]

What halachic considerations must a Jewish Jedi take into account before using the Force on Shabbat? This question is Purim Torah and is not intended to be taken completely seriously. See the Purim ...
3
votes
4answers
79 views

Why should we hate the Rabbinate? [closed]

Pirkei Avot 1:10 says: שְׂנָא אֶת הָרַבָּנוּת Hate the Rabbanut Why are we supposed to hate the Rabbanut? What did they ever do wrong? This question is Purim Torah and is not intended to ...
1
vote
0answers
36 views

What were borekas doing on the Choshen Mishpat? [closed]

Exodus 28:17: וּמִלֵּאתָ֥ בוֹ֙ מִלֻּ֣אַת אֶ֔בֶן אַרְבָּעָ֖ה טוּרִ֣ים אָ֑בֶן ט֗וּר אֹ֤דֶם פִּטְדָה֙ וּבָרֶ֔קֶת הַטּ֖וּר הָאֶחָֽד׃ And you shall set in it settings of stones, four rows of ...
-1
votes
3answers
402 views

Poisoning Achashverosh if an Atom Decays [closed]

The Gemara says that Bigtan and Teresh planned to assassinate their boss, King Achashverosh, by poisoning him. I was doing some serious imbibing to prepare myself for Purim recently, and I heard a ...
2
votes
2answers
82 views

Why was dill created just before Shabbat? [closed]

Pirkei Avot 5:6: עֲשָׂרָה דְבָרִים נִבְרְאוּ בְעֶרֶב שַׁבָּת בֵּין הַשְּׁמָשׁוֹת, וְאֵלּו הֵן.... וְהַשָּׁמִיר,: Ten things were created on the eve of the [first] Shabbat at twilight. And ...
-1
votes
2answers
47 views

Why is there an unanswered question in the Shabbat Musaph Kedusha? [closed]

In the Shabbat Kedusha, there is an unanswered question (Nusach Ashkenaz): כבודו מלא עולם. משרתיו שואלים זה לזה איה מקום כבודו "His honor fills the world. His (G-d's) Servants ask each other, '...
8
votes
7answers
205 views

PTIJ: For whom should I vote? (US Presidential Elections 2016) [closed]

There is a commandment to vote for a president, as it says (Devarim 17:15): שׂוֹם תָּשִׂים עָלֶיךָ מֶלֶךְ אֲשֶׁר יִבְחַר Place upon yourselves a king who shall be chosen [by voting] And we ...
5
votes
5answers
1k views

Seeking texts of all prayers associated with the clock change [closed]

In previous years, we've discussed the basic commandment status of changing clocks around this time of year as well as the proper language for announcing the change. Given that it's a commandment and ...
5
votes
1answer
61 views

Meat and dairy shamir worms? [closed]

If I used a shamir to cut through over-baked colov yisroel NY pizza and also to penetrate my mother-in-law's dry meatloaf, would I need one shamir worm for meat and the other for dairy, or can I use ...