THIS QUESTION IS ONLY IN JEST. "Purim Torah" is humorous and satirical writings customarily read on the Jewish holiday of Purim. Mi Yodeya has a great collection of Purim Torah, under this tag. For our collection of *real* Q&A about Judaism, see our home page: judaism.stackexchange.com.

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9
votes
3answers
134 views

“until Elijah comes”? [closed]

So I found a hand-made yarmulke the other day in my local synagogue. I tried to ascertain whose it was, but no one claimed it, and the rabbi told me יהא מונח עד שיבוא אליהו, I should hang on to it ...
9
votes
1answer
213 views

Why didn't Mordechai keep Mitzvos? [closed]

It says in the Megilla "ויאמרו עבדי המלך אשר בשער המלך למרדכי מדוע אתה עובר את מצות המלך" - "The servants of the King (who were in the King's gates) asked Mordechai 'Why do you go against the command ...
9
votes
2answers
201 views

Why did David only seem to prohibit a Moshav Leitzim? [closed]

This question mentions the prohibition against living in a Moshav Leitzim. My question is, what about a Yishuv Leitzim or a Kibbutz Leitzim or a Kfar Leitzim? How could David have been so ambiguous? ...
9
votes
3answers
154 views

Contract law and Dragons [closed]

There was a certain schul that I hate and I rented a dragon to devour the rabbi and the congregants. When the dragon returned from its reign of terror, I find out that it didn't eat all the people, ...
8
votes
5answers
260 views

What's an “achashvei”? [closed]

From my preschooler: What's an Achashvei? I know that a rosh is a head. I want to know what kind of head Achashveirosh was. Can you help me come up with a satisfying answer? I'd prefer not ...
8
votes
7answers
543 views

Eating Hamentashen on Purim [closed]

I've been wondering: how much hamentashen must one consume on purim? Is this independent of type or amount of filling? If not, what kinds of hamentashen qualify? This question is Purim Torah and is ...
8
votes
6answers
169 views

Why did Rabba have to get up to kill Rabi Zeira? [closed]

The gemara in Megila 7b says קם רבה שחטיה לרבי זירא Rabbah got up and killed Rabi Zeira. Why did he need to get up? Rabi Zeira was a short man, as we see in the bottom of Bava Metzia 85a קטין חריך ...
8
votes
7answers
202 views

PTIJ: For whom should I vote? (US Presidential Elections 2016) [closed]

There is a commandment to vote for a president, as it says (Devarim 17:15): שׂוֹם תָּשִׂים עָלֶיךָ מֶלֶךְ אֲשֶׁר יִבְחַר Place upon yourselves a king who shall be chosen [by voting] And we ...
8
votes
4answers
304 views

Is Daylight Saving Time a Mitzvah DeOraitha or Takkanah DeRabanan? [closed]

This week many in the U.S. will change their clocks for Daylight Saving Time. Is this a Mitzvah DeOraitha or Takkanah DeRabanan? I can't seem to find any source for this except a poorly worded and ...
8
votes
3answers
179 views

Trapping during the week [closed]

The medrosh criticizes Eisov for trapping his father with questions such as "must one tithe salt," yet doesn't specify that it was shobbos, so there should be no melucha of "tzud"! Is this proof that ...
8
votes
3answers
317 views

Perl Programming in the Torah [closed]

According to Rav xkcd (an oft quoted authority in Bam), the universe was written in perl. Since the Torah is the blueprint of creation, it follows that it must contain a Perl Programming manual. Where ...
8
votes
2answers
2k views

I poured Starbucks Milk Chocolate Latte into my chicken soup. Shouldn't it still be kosher, even if it wasn't so much soup? [closed]

This week I was cooking my favorite meat soup when accidentally my Starbucks Milk Chocolate Latte tipped into the pot. At first it was just a little drip, but I lost the handle on the cup and ...
8
votes
5answers
507 views

If I am obligated to be drunk all the time, how is Purim different? [closed]

We all know the halacha of עִבְדוּ אֶת-יְה-ה בְּשִׂמְחָה (Tehillim 100:2). But the gemara paskens (Pesachim 109a) that since the destruction of the Beis Hamikdash "אין שמחה אלא ביין" ("Joy only comes ...
8
votes
2answers
1k views

Refuting my rav who says that using Mi Yodeya is a bad thing for someone to do? [closed]

I seem to be going in circles regarding the use of Mi Yodeya. As you can see, I have been a Mi Yodeya member for over a year. I find a lot of good information on it, and, B"H, my profile shows that ...
8
votes
2answers
162 views

“Can't argue with that?” Says who? [closed]

There is a famous Jewish adage "על טעם ועל ריח אין להתווכח". However, amazingly, one can find a plethora of disagreements in the Talmud and Halachic works whether reicha lav milsa hi or if ta'am is ...
8
votes
2answers
345 views

Why do we drink wine on Shabbat? [closed]

Why do we drink wine on Shabbat when it's stated in the Kiddush (כִּי הוּא יוֹם תְּחִלָּה) that this is a day of tequila? This question is Purim Torah and is not intended to be taken completely ...
8
votes
1answer
80 views

Sarah's two lives [closed]

In Gen 23:1, we read about Sarah's two lives. וַיִּהְיוּ חַיֵּי שָׂרָה מֵאָה שָׁנָה וְעֶשְׂרִים שָׁנָה וְשֶׁבַע שָׁנִים שְׁנֵי חַיֵּי שָׂרָה And Sarah's lives were 127 years long, Sarah's two ...
8
votes
1answer
111 views

How should we profit from wine? [closed]

The Gemara in Megillah 7b says מיחייב איניש לבסומי בפוריא עד דלא ידע בין ארור המן לברוך מרדכי A person is obligated to besumi on Purim until he doesn't know the difference between the ...
7
votes
3answers
584 views

Why does a Hamentash have three sides? [closed]

All Hamentashen that I've seen have three sides and all Hamentashen have filling. Why is that? This question is Purim Torah and is not intended to be taken completely seriously. See the Purim ...
7
votes
7answers
596 views

Is wearing masks on Purim a Biblical Commandment or a Rabbinic Commandment? [closed]

As we all know, wearing masks on Purim is a Mitzva. Is it from the Torah, or was it only originated in the times of Esther, making it Rabbinic? This question is Purim Torah and is not intended to ...
7
votes
5answers
468 views

Who is meant by Auntie Malka in friday night Zemiros? [closed]

When eating recently by a chassidish family, I noticed they sang Friday night the words: אנת הוא מלכא - 'Auntie Malka' Can anyone shed some light on who this special Aunt was and what she is doing ...
7
votes
4answers
152 views

Who is the fourth father? [closed]

We all know, from when we were little children, that the Jewish people had four mothers and four fathers. The mothers will, of course, be Sarah, Rebeccah, Rachel, and Leah. However, in the fathers ...
7
votes
2answers
151 views

What kind of horns did Moshe have? [closed]

Sh'mot 34:29 tells us that when Moshe came down from Har Sinai with the second set of tablets he did not know that קָרַן עוֹר פָּנָיו בְּדַבְּרוֹ אִתּוֹ -- horns of light were on his face from his ...
7
votes
3answers
224 views

The media in Shushan [closed]

Esther 10:2 says: הֲלוֹא-הֵם כְּתוּבִים, עַל-סֵפֶר דִּבְרֵי הַיָּמִים, לְמַלְכֵי מָדַי Behold, they are written in the book of chronicles of the kings of the media. Who were the kings ...
7
votes
2answers
291 views

Which shots are we reviewing at least twice daily in shul? [closed]

At least twice every day, each shul has someone who says chazarat hashat"z - he is reviewing the shots. Which shots need to be reviewed? G-d forbid - did someone shoot people in the shul? Is a doctor ...
7
votes
2answers
761 views

What does Mr Bean have to do with Adar? [closed]

We all know the famous Gemara: משנכנס אדר מר בין בשמחה Or to summarize it in a picture (if this is allowed on Mi Yodea): What connection has Mr Bean with Adar and Simcha? This question is Purim ...
7
votes
4answers
1k views

Why do some questions require beer? [closed]

I've noticed that many questions in Jewish sources are concluded with the statement וצריך ביאור, this needs beer. Why are there some questions that require beer? Are these questions harder to answer ...
7
votes
3answers
104 views

What is the hetter to wear earmuffs? [closed]

Looking at all forms of traditionally Jewish hats, from hamburgs to streimuls to fedoras to beibers, and even the kangol cap, it is quite obvious our fathers and our fathers fathers did not want to ...
7
votes
1answer
414 views

May a Jew be a professional beat boxer? [closed]

(Not to be confused with this question.) Are there any halachic problems with a Jew being a professional beat boxer? (For those unfamiliar, click the speaker icon here for audio.) This question is ...
7
votes
4answers
144 views

What is the text of Kiddush Levana (?) during a blue moon? [closed]

Kiddush Levana is the sanctification of the "white one", i.e. the moon. Now of course, the moon is usually white, but every so often (7 times in 19 years, as a matter of fact) we end up with a blue ...
7
votes
5answers
754 views

What's the source/reason for allowing gay marriage for synagogue leaders? [closed]

I know that Judaism doesn't allow for marriage between two men. Apparently, there's an exception for those who lead the services in the synagogue. (In a number of very traditional synagogues, I've ...
6
votes
4answers
285 views

Giving turkey to G-d [closed]

In much of our liturgy, we say: הודו לה' כי-טוב כי לעולם חסדו Turkey for G-d because it is good, because [His/its] loving-kindness is everlasting. Also: טוב להודות לה It is good to ...
6
votes
3answers
128 views

The new “Safer” Torah? [closed]

I've heard about a new product called a "Safer" Torah. What was dangerous with the old Torah and what have they improved from the old version to make it "safer"? This question is Purim Torah and is ...
6
votes
6answers
257 views

7 girls fighting over 1 boy at the Sheva Brachot? [closed]

The last of the Sheva Brachot lists 7 girls: Gila, Rina, Ditza, Chedva, Ahava, Achva, and Re'ut. Shalom is the only boy that was invited. Why couldn't they invite other boys. Don't any of these other ...
6
votes
3answers
299 views

Why does it matter that Mordechai was right-handed? [closed]

In Esther 2:5, it says אִישׁ יְהוּדִי, הָיָה בְּשׁוּשַׁן הַבִּירָה; וּשְׁמוֹ מָרְדֳּכַי, בֶּן יָאִיר בֶּן-שִׁמְעִי בֶּן-קִישׁ--אִישׁ יְמִינִי There was a certain Jew in Shushan the castle, ...
6
votes
2answers
180 views

What drugs was Moshe on? [closed]

Shmot 30:34: ויאמר יהוה אל-משה קח-לך סמים... Hashem said to Moshe, take drugs... What was Moshe on? And where do we see examples of this? This question is Purim Torah and is not intended ...
6
votes
2answers
97 views

How can G-d Halachically trust in Himself? [closed]

We know that one of G-d's names is Baruch, from sources such as: ...ברוך א-ל עליון Baruch is G-d on High... and ...ברוך הוא א-לוהינו שבראנו לכבודו Baruch is our G-d, who created ...
6
votes
4answers
91 views

Matzah and Maror: With Garlic? [closed]

During the Seder, near the end of the maggid, we learn about the manner in which the Korban Pesach, the matzah, and the maror were consumed. In reference to the latter two, the haggadah reads: ...
6
votes
2answers
215 views

Contradiction about the use of manure [closed]

Manuela Zoninsein writes for the Green Zionist Alliance about the value of tikkun olam — the Jewish commitment to repairing the world.… Today, part of repairing the world means ...
6
votes
3answers
69 views

How is davening affected by the observance of י"ט שבט (for those who observe it)? [closed]

For those who observe י"ט שבט, how is davening affected? I am aware that Tachanun is omitted, but is it also omitted at mincha on erev Yod-Teth Shevat? Is Psalm 20 recited at shacharit? Is hallel ...
6
votes
1answer
132 views

Graciously accepting gifts [closed]

I delivered Shalach Manos today to a number of people. Much to my dismay, everyone accepted them graciously and gratefully, and not a single person expressed how disappointed they were with my gifts. ...
6
votes
2answers
130 views

Does Kabalah require us to follow the Atkins Diet? [closed]

During sholas sedudos we say אתקינו סעודתא, a remez to the Atkins Diet. It includes descriptions like "זעיר אנפין" -- make your face smaller (thinner), and even instructions about "וַחֲקַל ...
6
votes
1answer
68 views

“Peyshar Davar” - mi yodeya? [closed]

Who knows what the meaning of "a thing" is? פשר דבר - מי יודע?‏ Kohelet 8:1 expresses uncertainty about the meaning of "a thing": ... וּמִ֥י יוֹדֵ֖עַ פֵּ֣שֶׁר דָּבָ֑ר ... ... and who ...
6
votes
1answer
97 views

How do they perform the giving of a Half shekel in England? [closed]

If the half shekel one gives before Purim needs to be Male what do they use in England if all the coins have a picture of the Queen? Are there any with Kings or Princes on them? This question is ...
6
votes
2answers
122 views

Shmuel on Bava Basra 90a [closed]

‫ והמשתכר אל ישתכר יותר משתות (בבא בתרא 90A)‬ "One who gets drunk may not get drunk past a sixth." I have seen four shittos to explain this ruling which is brought l'halacha in ...
6
votes
1answer
98 views

Can grape juice be used for kiddush levana? [closed]

I understand that ideally red wine should generally be used for kiddush. On Pesach, I have heard that one should go to great lengths to drink wine (rather than grape juice) for the four cups at the ...
6
votes
0answers
69 views

Did they have TV back in the ancient days? [closed]

Yeshayahu is portrayed as a newscaster (Yeshayahu 42:9): וַחֲדָשׁוֹת אֲנִי מַגִּיד And I tell the news. And lest you think that T.V. disappeared after the time of Yeshayahu, he informs us ...
6
votes
0answers
62 views

Why would someone offer an Asheira to Hashem? [closed]

There's a verse in Tehillim which says "Asheira LaHashem Ki Gamal Alai". Just because there's a camel on me I'm going to burn an Avoda Zara as a sacrifice? Moreover, when I think it was Gidon did ...
6
votes
0answers
161 views

Reading the Megillah on Friday [closed]

I accidentally read the Megillah tonight for my shul since last year, I could have sworn, that we read the Megillah right after the fast. Yet, the Rav of the Shul returned from a business trip after ...
5
votes
3answers
1k views

From Whence do we derive that Jews must span the political spectrum? [closed]

Is there any source for Am Yisrael spanning the gamut of the political spectrum, seeing as we have produced political leaders Left, Right, and Centre. This question is Purim Torah and is not ...