THIS QUESTION IS ONLY IN JEST. "Purim Torah" is humorous and satirical writings customarily read on the Jewish holiday of Purim. Mi Yodeya has a great collection of Purim Torah, under this tag. For our collection of *real* Q&A about Judaism, see our home page: judaism.stackexchange.com.

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8
votes
1answer
80 views

Sarah's two lives [closed]

In Gen 23:1, we read about Sarah's two lives. וַיִּהְיוּ חַיֵּי שָׂרָה מֵאָה שָׁנָה וְעֶשְׂרִים שָׁנָה וְשֶׁבַע שָׁנִים שְׁנֵי חַיֵּי שָׂרָה And Sarah's lives were 127 years long, Sarah's two ...
29
votes
8answers
2k views

Using the Force on Shabbat [closed]

What halachic considerations must a Jewish Jedi take into account before using the Force on Shabbat? This question is Purim Torah and is not intended to be taken completely seriously. See the Purim ...
4
votes
3answers
96 views

What is this parsha about Haman and why should I read it daily? [closed]

This morning, as I was about to put my tefillin bag in the closet, I saw a young guy still davening something after minyan was finished. I waited until he finished and asked him what he was saying. He ...
1
vote
0answers
40 views

Presence and spoiled snacks on Purim? [closed]

This morning after davening I was struck by the congregation breaking out into song: Misha nichnas our door, mar bamba simcha! I looked around the room but was unable to identify the new member ...
4
votes
1answer
96 views

How to successfully clean your house with a bird, wood, and wool [closed]

I only want to clean my house in a way that is 100% Torah-approved. The way that is mentioned in the Torah is to use cedar, wool, hyssop, and a live bird. However, I am a bit confused. How, exactly, ...
9
votes
2answers
175 views

What to do if your husband is muktzeh [closed]

My husband is muktzeh (he was born in the eighth month and is now nineteen). Our marriage is going well. However, sometimes on the three-day Yom Tov it becomes difficult that neither I nor anyone else ...
4
votes
3answers
85 views

Doubts about the Eishet Chayil [closed]

"She seeks out wool and linen, and her hands work willingly" "דרשה צמר ופשתים, ותעש בחפץ כפיה" Why would it be allowed for the eishet chayil to make shatnez? Does she serve milk and meat, ...
9
votes
4answers
4k views

How can I connect with God on facebook? [closed]

The purpose of mitzvot (Jewish commandments) is to connect with God so I tried to connect with Him on Facebook but didn't find Him. Can anyone help? This question is Purim Torah and is not intended ...
0
votes
1answer
36 views

Had Shechem ben Chamor been a 1st born would he have required to be redeemed by using a sheep? [closed]

Exodus 34:20: וּפֶ֤טֶר חֲמוֹר֙ תִּפְדֶּ֣ה בְשֶׂ֔ה וְאִם־לֹ֥א תִפְדֶּ֖ה וַעֲרַפְתּ֑וֹ The first born of Chamor should be redeemd with a sheep, and if it is not redeemed, you should break its ...
5
votes
3answers
144 views

How do Hassidic Jews maintain marital peace? [closed]

The Rema writes in Yoreh De'ah 185:3 מי שרוצה להחמיר על עצמו, שלא להאמין לה, מדת חסידות הוא One who wants to be stringent on himself and not trust his wife, this is characteristic of ...
2
votes
0answers
39 views

What did Moses possess that caused the Jews to make the Golden Calf? [closed]

וַיֹּאמְר֤וּ אֵלָיו֙ ק֣וּם ׀ עֲשֵׂה־לָ֣נוּ אֱלֹהִ֗ים אֲשֶׁ֤ר יֵֽלְכוּ֙ לְפָנֵ֔ינוּ כִּי־זֶ֣ה ׀ מֹשֶׁ֣ה הָאִ֗ישׁ אֲשֶׁ֤ר הֶֽעֱלָ֙נוּ֙ מֵאֶ֣רֶץ מִצְרַ֔יִם לֹ֥א יָדַ֖עְנוּ מֶה־הָ֥יָה לֽוֹ׃ ...
5
votes
2answers
93 views

Does one need to flip the Torah exactly twice or more than this? [closed]

As a Torah reader, before starting to read the Torah, I flip it upside down about 50 times to obey Ben Bag Bag's adage, Pirkei Avot 5:22: בֶּן בַּג בַּג אוֹמֵר, הֲפָךְ בָּהּ וַהֲפָךְ בָּהּ, ...
7
votes
4answers
144 views

What is the text of Kiddush Levana (?) during a blue moon? [closed]

Kiddush Levana is the sanctification of the "white one", i.e. the moon. Now of course, the moon is usually white, but every so often (7 times in 19 years, as a matter of fact) we end up with a blue ...
1
vote
3answers
74 views

Why was Rabban Gamli'el against Hassidic farmers? [closed]

I'm really puzzle by Rabban Gamliel's statement in Avot 2:5 וְלֹא עַם הָאָרֶץ חָסִיד A man of the earth (a farmer) cannot be a Hassid. I've met many Hassidic farmers who are wonder, humble, ...
17
votes
5answers
233 views

√-1 - mi yodeya? [closed]

Who knows √-1? The traditional Passover song "Echad - mi yodeya" implies a possible presupposition that there is a Jewish significance to be found for each number. What significant Judaism facts are ...
3
votes
3answers
344 views

Is there some place where I can buy Golden Calf Ale? [closed]

This past Shabbat, someone in my shul referred me to the concoction that Moses made by mixing ground up Golden Calf with water and making Jews drink it. The person said that this drink was ale, ...
19
votes
2answers
1k views

Which spouse should get up, according to G-d's advice/plan? [closed]

In Proverbs 19:21 we have עֲצַת ה' הִיא תָקוּם I understand this to be on the topic of division of labor between a man and his wife, in particular which one should wake up early in the morning ...
2
votes
1answer
57 views

Techum Shabbos Bizman Hazeh [closed]

Techum Shabbos is the halcha that one may not travel more than 2000 amos out of civilisation. In the Modern world, where everyone is connected the the rest of civilisation through the internet, how ...
11
votes
3answers
349 views

Why does wine need to be kosher lepesah? [closed]

All grape products, including and especially wine, are toxic to canines. Even a small amount is not fit to be eaten by a dog. The halakha is that things which are not fit to be consumed by a dog do ...
9
votes
3answers
321 views

Where did Moses's successor come from if he had no parents? [closed]

After Moses died, he was succeeded by יְהוֹשֻׁעַ בִּן נוּן (Joshua, son of none). If Joshua had no parents, where did he come from? This question is Purim Torah and is not intended to be taken ...
3
votes
1answer
82 views

Hechacham Yihyeh o Sachal - mi yodeya? [closed]

Who knows whether he will be a wise man or a fool? החכם יהיה או סכל - מי יודע?‏ The controversial royal rumination Kohelet implies (in 2:19) a possible presupposition that there is a Jewish ...
-4
votes
1answer
85 views

Nudists at the window? [closed]

In the Mishna (Ohalot 11:4), we learn of a disagreement between the schools of Shammai and of Hillel, concerning a person who is leaning out of a window while a funeral procession walks beneath them ...
4
votes
4answers
152 views

What are the ramifications of nailing my sleeveless sweater to the wall? [closed]

I took my sleeveless sweater and nailed it into the wall. It's set in there pretty darn good. So I'm just wondering, are there any ramifications now that it is a vest kavua? This question is Purim ...
7
votes
2answers
151 views

What kind of horns did Moshe have? [closed]

Sh'mot 34:29 tells us that when Moshe came down from Har Sinai with the second set of tablets he did not know that קָרַן עוֹר פָּנָיו בְּדַבְּרוֹ אִתּוֹ -- horns of light were on his face from his ...
1
vote
1answer
59 views

Why did Haman lack Af? [closed]

Shmot Rabba 41:7 (Sefaria breakup within Parshiyot) says: חמשה מלאכי חבלה היו שם: אף, וחמה, וקצף, והשמד, והשחת. The five angels of harming are: Af, Cheimah, Ketzef, Hashcheit, and Hashmeid. ...
6
votes
2answers
97 views

How can G-d Halachically trust in Himself? [closed]

We know that one of G-d's names is Baruch, from sources such as: ...ברוך א-ל עליון Baruch is G-d on High... and ...ברוך הוא א-לוהינו שבראנו לכבודו Baruch is our G-d, who created ...
4
votes
1answer
69 views

Why do we say kidush twice at the seder? [closed]

At the seder on the first night (or two nights) of Pesach, we follow a particular, strict order of operations: Kadesh, recite kidush. Urchatz, wash hands for karpas. Karpas, eat a vegetable. ...
4
votes
3answers
98 views

Is one allowed to offer bounties on Mi Yodeya? [closed]

Mi Yodeya has a bounty feature, where a user gives away some of their reputation points to either attract or reward a high-quality answer (simplified). However, we learn in the name of the Chafetz ...
4
votes
1answer
130 views

Life, the Universe, and Everything? [closed]

Harav HaGaon Adams in his Kuntres LiMasa'os HaGer Ba'Olam states that the answer to "life, the universe, and every thing" is 42, but neglects to clarify what the actual question is, since in his day ...
6
votes
3answers
128 views

The new “Safer” Torah? [closed]

I've heard about a new product called a "Safer" Torah. What was dangerous with the old Torah and what have they improved from the old version to make it "safer"? This question is Purim Torah and is ...
6
votes
3answers
69 views

How is davening affected by the observance of י"ט שבט (for those who observe it)? [closed]

For those who observe י"ט שבט, how is davening affected? I am aware that Tachanun is omitted, but is it also omitted at mincha on erev Yod-Teth Shevat? Is Psalm 20 recited at shacharit? Is hallel ...
11
votes
2answers
247 views

What's so important about a lost blanket-rope? And how did it get lost anyway? [closed]

This question asks about how we can possibly know that our mesorah (tradition) is correct since we lost the chain of smicha. But what is so important about a chain of blankets? Such things are useful ...
10
votes
3answers
106 views

Chodesh Asur Min HaTorah [closed]

It is a well known principle that חדש אסור מן התורה Chodesh Asur Min HaTorah. But I see people celebrating Rosh Chodesh all the time? How can we justify this practice? This question is Purim Torah ...
11
votes
3answers
2k views

Are all Jews really Arabs? [closed]

The Gemara (Shevuos 39a) says כל ישראל ערבים All of Israel are Arabs. Is this true? I always thought that my family came from Eastern Europe. If it is true that all Jews are actually ...
16
votes
6answers
3k views

If Rabbi Google quotes Mi Yodeya, can i rely on his advice? [closed]

The Israeli Rabbinate is considering granting smicha (rabbinic ordination) to Google. Now, assuming he gets accepted, what if Rabbi Google's answer is to look at Mi Yodeya? Mi Yodeya's policy states ...
5
votes
2answers
186 views

From what time do we show up for Shabbat lunch? [closed]

We all know the mishna in Se'udot: It once happened that Rabban Zmanliochel's sons were on their way to a Shabbat lunch. They said to him "We have not received instructions on when to come." He ...
0
votes
1answer
92 views

Z'man Levishat haCostume [closed]

On Purim, many of us wear/wore costumes, at least for the night of the 14th/15th. In the spirit of this, I would like to know the zman for donning one's costume for Purim. What is it? This ...
5
votes
0answers
68 views

Can I use M.Y. bounty as a means of Matanot L'evyonim? [closed]

Matanot L'evyonim is a Purim mitzvah to give gifts to at least 2 poor people. An "evyon" is described as "poor". But he could be "poor" in anything, not necessarily monetary means. There are a ...
4
votes
1answer
113 views

How to make hamentaschen [closed]

I looked through Shulchan Aruch, but, although there are entire chapters (OC 453–462) describing how to make matza, there's a not a single mention of how to make hamentaschen. What is the ...
4
votes
2answers
131 views

Can you give mishloach manos to yourself? [closed]

My friend teaches at a Sunday school, and made mishloach manos with her class last week. One very bright student asked her, "What if there's no one for me to give mishloach manos to? I can't give it ...
3
votes
1answer
84 views

Do I fulfill the mitzvah of mishloach manot by giving two dog biscuits to my dog? [closed]

Esther 9:19 says: ומשלוח מנות איש לרעהו A person should give mishlo'ach manot each person to his friend. They say that a dog is "man's best friend". Well, my dog, Charvonah, is really my best ...
12
votes
3answers
308 views

May Sauron’s Ring be used for kiddushin? [closed]

May the One Ring be used to be mekadesh a woman? At least from one perspective, the Ring seems ideal, given the verse: אַשׁ נַזְגּ דֻּרְבַּתֻּלֻקּ, אַשׁ נַזְגּ גִּמְבַּתֻּלּ , אַשׁ נַזְגּ ...
3
votes
1answer
91 views

Are all אוזני המן halachically equal? [closed]

Is it permissible for a shul to serve אוזני המן (Hamantaschen) without including poppy seed or chocolate ones? This question is Purim Torah and is not intended to be taken completely seriously. See ...
0
votes
4answers
122 views

What is the traditional Jewish name for this dish? [closed]

My wife's minhag (that she made up bli nedder) is to make chicken stuffed wontons for the family Purim Seuda. This year she decided to dig deeper into the minhag she made up last Thursday and made ...
4
votes
1answer
104 views

Is fasting like getting drunk? [closed]

Is fasting on Taanis Esther considered as if one drank Ad Dlo Yada on both Purim and Taanis Esther? Just like we find eating on Erev Yom Kippur is considered as if one fasted on both that day and Yom ...
0
votes
2answers
126 views

If my teeth are extracted, are they conisder shaimos? [closed]

Shemot 13:9 says: למען תהיה תורח ה בפיך So that G-d's Torah should be in your mouth. So, my teeth are in my mouth together with the Torah, and they absorbed some of the Torah, too. So, I guess ...
4
votes
1answer
116 views

Why was Moshe told to put two cabbages on top of the Aron? [closed]

Shmot 25:19: ועשה כרוב אחד מקצה מזה וכרוב אחד מקצה מזה And make one cabbage on this side and one cabbage on this side What purpose do the 2 cabbages have doing on top of the ark? Wouldn't ...
9
votes
4answers
157 views

Being Machmir in “Matanot Laevyonim” [closed]

Purim is always a rough time for me, as I am always worried about being mekayem Matanot Laevyonim properly. The problem is of course that if you share an עני with someone else, then if the other guy ...
8
votes
1answer
111 views

How should we profit from wine? [closed]

The Gemara in Megillah 7b says מיחייב איניש לבסומי בפוריא עד דלא ידע בין ארור המן לברוך מרדכי A person is obligated to besumi on Purim until he doesn't know the difference between the ...
2
votes
2answers
91 views

Why do we read VaYechal on Taanis Esther? [closed]

Taanis Esther is the day when Esthers fast (or else it would be Taanis Mordechai). Why do we read Vayechal on this day? All days are celebrated in the same way they were first celebrated. Pesach - ...