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What has the halacha have to say about a husband and wife sharing oral intercourse (in either direction)?

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closed as off-topic by Yishai, Gemini Man, Baby Seal, HodofHod, ray May 11 '14 at 5:26

  • This question does not appear to be about Judaism within the scope defined in the help center.
If this question can be reworded to fit the rules in the help center, please edit the question.

@DavidPerlman, the policy for this type of question is evolving here: meta.judaism.stackexchange.com/questions/123/… . You (and everyone else here) are welcome to join the discussion and help us come up with a policy that is best for this community. – Isaac Moses Jun 17 '11 at 14:40
I don't understand why this was closed. This is an open-shut halachic question that isn't explicit or vulgar. And the statement "questions relating to sexuality are discussed only in private," is patently false, as amply demonstrated in the meta-discussion. Voting to reopen. – Shmuel May 7 '14 at 23:55
This question appears to be off-topic because of the previous reason it was closed. I would appreciate a final decision from the moderators. – Yishai May 8 '14 at 18:45
This is a question that is personal in nature and whose answer depends on the circumstances under which it is being asked. It involves a number of issues for which a general answer in not applicable. Rabbinical guidance is needed. For example, a Rabbi may rule that a particular behavior is permissible for a couple that is experiencing marital issues in an effort to save the marriage. That same behavior would be inappropriate for a couple who is not in that situation. To generalize answers of this type is akin to prescribing medication without knowing the symptoms. This forum is wonderful a – user5395 May 9 '14 at 7:00
As worded, this question is not asking for practical advice or a pesak, nor is,it "personal in nature". It asks "what Halacha has to say" about the issue, not "can I have oral sex." My answer presents the different opinions in the Halakhic discussion on this issue, without issueing any kind of practical pesak. And so, as I've said before, I don't see what the problem is – Shmuel May 11 '14 at 17:38

Here is what Halacha has to say about this issue. Quotes from sources can be found below. For practical applications please consult your Rabbi or Yoetzet Halacha.

Oral sex to please the woman is permitted but not recommended according to the Rambam and Rama (see Nedarim 20b; Rambam, Mishneh Torah, Issurei Biah 21:9; Rama, Even haEzer 25:2; Rambam, Commentary to Sanhedrin 7:4; R' Mordechai Eliahu, Sefer Darkei Tahara, ch. 19 & 22), and is prohibited according the Ravaad, as quoted by the Tur, (EH:25, see also Nedarim 20a), and the Shulchan Aruch (OC 240:4).

Oral sex to please the man is permitted according to Tosfos Ri"d (Yevamoth 12b), and is forbidden according to the Kitzur Shulchan Aruch (151:1), due to the prohibition against "spilling seed in vain" (Niddah 13a).

Relevant quotes from the aforementioned sources with translations:

Part 1 - Woman

אמר רבי יוחנן בן דהבאי ד' דברים סחו לי מלאכי השרת חיגרין מפני מה הויין מפני שהופכים את שולחנם אילמים מפני מה הויין מפני שמנשקים על אותו מקום חרשים מפני מה הויין מפני שמספרים בשעת תשמיש סומין מפני מה הויין מפני שמסתכלים באותו מקום

R. Johanan b. Dahabai said: The Ministering Angels told me four things: People are born lame because they [sc. their parents] overturned their table [i.e., practised unnatural cohabitation]; dumb, because they kiss 'that place'; deaf, because they converse during cohabitation; blind, because they look at 'that place'.


אבל אמרו חכמים אין הלכה כיוחנן בן דהבאי, אלא כל מה שאדם רוצה לעשות באשתו עושה

But our Sages said: The halachah is not as R. Johanan b. Dahabai, but a man may do whatever he pleases with his wife [at intercourse] (Soncino Translation)

אשתו של אדם, מותרת היא לו; לפיכך כל מה שאדם רוצה לעשות באשתו, עושה--בועל בכל עת שירצה, ומנשק בכל אבר שירצה, ובא עליה בין כדרכה, בין שלא כדרכה, בין דרך אברים. ואף על פי כן, מידת חסידות שלא יקל אדם את ראשו לכך, ושיקדש עצמו בשעת תשמיש, כמו שביארנו בהלכות דעות; ולא יסור מדרך העולם ומנהגו, שאין דבר זה אלא כדי לפרות ולרבות.

A man's wife is permitted to him. Therefore a man may do whatever he desires with his wife. He may engage in relations whenever he desires, kiss any organ he desires, engage in vaginal or anal intercourse or engage in physical intimacy without relations.

Nevertheless, it is pious conduct for a person not to act frivolously concerning such matters and to sanctify himself at the time of relations, as explained in Hilchot Deot. He should not depart from the ordinary pattern of the world. For this act was [given to us] solely for the sake of procreation.

  • Rama, Even haEzer 25:2

הגה: ויכול לעשות עם אשתו מה שירצה, בועל בכל עת שירצה ומנשק בכל אבר שירצה, ובא עליה בין כדרכה בין שלא כדרכה, או דרך אברים ובלבד שלא יוציא זרע לבטלה (טור). ויש מקילין ואומרים שמותר שלא כדרכה ב (ב) אפילו אם הוציא זרע, אם עושה באקראי ג ואינו רגיל בכך (גם זה טור בשם ר"י). ואע"פ שמותר בכל אלה, כל המקדש עצמו במותר לו קדוש יאמרו לו (דברי הרב).

A man may do whatever he desires with his wife. He may engage in relations whenever he desires, kiss any organ he desires, engage in vaginal or anal intercourse or engage in physical intimacy without relations, provided he does not release seed in vain. (Tur). ... And even though it is permitted for him to do all these things, one who is holy will refrain.

  • Rambam, Commentary to Sanhedrin 7:4

ומותר לאדם לבוא על אשתו שלא כדרכה ודרך אברין או איך שירצה

A man is permitted to "come onto" his wife in any manner he wishes.

  • R' Mordechai Eliahu, Sefer Darkei Tahara

Extensive quotes (in English) can be found here: http://www.jewishsexuality.com/is-oral-sex-really-forbidden

Tur quoting the Ravad End of the quote that cites the Ravad... Tur quoting the Ravad cont'd

And there are other things that blemish the act and ruin it, and they are what is explained in Nedarim ' Rabbi Yohanan ben Dehabai 4 things the ministering angels told me... why are there mute people? because they kiss that [private] place... And that which Rabbi Yohanan said 'the law does not follow Rabbi Yohanan ben Dehabai' that he says, that is only refering to 'turning the table' [anal intercourse], but all the others are prohibited... heretofore is from the words of the Ravad, z"l

אסור להסתכל באותו מקום שכל המסתכל שם אין לו בושת פנים ועובר על והצנע לכת ומעביר הבושה מעל פניו שכל המתבייש אינו חוטא דכתיב ובעבור תהיה יראתו על פניכם זו הבושה לבלתי תחטאו ועוד דקא מגרה יצר הרע בנפשיה וכל שכן הנושק שם שעובר על כל אלה ועוד שעובר על בל תשקצו את נפשותיכם:

It is forbidden [for a man] to gaze on [a woman's private] area ... And all the more so one who kisses there.

Part 2 - Men

Tosfos Ri"d on oral sex

What was the (forbidden) action of Er and Onan that the Torah prohibits? That which is committed with the intent of not diminishing her beauty (due to pregnancy), and he doesn't desire to fulfill the mitzvah of procreation (פרו ורבו) with her. But if his intent.. is to satisfy his desire and his intent is not to avoid impregnating her, it is permitted ...he whose intent is to fulfill the desire of his inclinations does not transgress, as "all that a man wants to do with his wife he may do" (Nedarim 20b), and this isn't called "wasting his seed" (Translation Source)

אסור להוציא זרע לבטלה. ועון זה חמור מכל עברות שבתורה. ואלו שמנאפים ביד ומוציאים זרע לבטלה, לא די להם שאסור גדול הוא, אלא שהעושה זאת, הוא בנדוי, ועליהם נאמר, ידיכם דמים מלאו, וכאילו הורג את הנפש. וראה מה שכתב רש"י בפרשת וישב בער ואונן שמתו בחטא זה. ולפעמים בענש זה, חס-ושלום, בניו מתים כשהם קטנים, או שיהיו רשעים, והוא בא לידי עניות

It is forbidden for a man to spill his seed ... And those who wave [their male member] with their hands to spill their seed, there is nothing more forbidden than this... (Translation )

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Right. He only permits Derech Eivarim so long as one does not emit seed in vain. – Double AA May 8 '14 at 22:07
I dont understand how you could possibly understand tosafot in yevamot or sanhedrin as meaning anything other than what shelo kedarkah universally means, which is not derech evarim. – Baby Seal May 9 '14 at 0:10
do you have a clear example from the talmud or classic poskim where shelo k'darka means something other than the usual meaning? – ray May 9 '14 at 9:38
I don't know enough to be able to verify all the sources listed, but I'm puzzled by what appears to be a list of credible sources on each side accompanied by four downvotes. Could somebody explain what's wrong with this answer? I see a comment challenging one part of the smaller-text paragraph (which I take to be a secondary point); is there more at issue? Thanks. – Monica Cellio May 9 '14 at 13:40
@Bab I used "pshat" as straightforward reading, not logically possible reading. Accd to the Ravad do we assume that the angels really only told RYBD 3 things? Or that the angels were wrong about the 4th? Or that the story of the angels is completely rejected and the three agreed upon rules are based on a logically distinct unspoken secret legal reasoning? None of those are straightforward reads of the Gemara (or ever mentioned before the Ravad lived in the 12th Century). (The Ravad's main proof IIRC is from an aggadata in Chagiga 5b which apparently implies sipur is still frowned upon) – Double AA Jul 13 '15 at 17:52

This question was asked to Rabbi Zev Leff:

http://rabbileff.net/shiurim/ask (QUESTION #1843:)

QUESTION: If a woman receives a Heter for birth control after having a boy and a girl, and during the period of the Heter is having regular relations (obviously when permitted), is occasional oral or other non-vaginal forms of sex considered levatala? —Anonymous, Israel.

ANSWER: It's in the category of zera levatela (wasting seed) and is prohibited. full answer here: http://www.rabbileff.net/shiurim/answers/1750-1999/1843.mp3

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The question didn't necessarily discuss ejaculation. – Double AA May 8 '14 at 19:30
1) the question asked about both directions 2) if it is unintentional "אקראי" then there is much more reason to say it is permitted. you are oversimplifying things and introducing new gezerot. – Double AA May 8 '14 at 19:35
@ray the rabbi assumes that the male will be motzi zera. So he is not answering the full question, which is asking generally. – Baby Seal May 9 '14 at 16:03
@ray You are using scare tactics. Try using legal argumentation instead. – Double AA May 11 '14 at 9:20
@ray I'd be happy to see it if they cite legal sources to back them up, instead of general scare tactic stuff. It seems pretty clear from the Gemara etc. that there is no such formal prohibition. (What does "believ[ing] in midrash" (whatever that means) have to do with this? We're talking Halacha here, I thought.) – Double AA May 11 '14 at 20:04

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