How to tactfully circumvent opposite-gender handshake

Question

Say you're a man in a professional setting, and a woman who isn't used to dealing with observant Jews stretches out her hand to greet you -- but your practice is to avoid shaking hands even in business settings (see here for dissection of that issue). How can this gesture be tactfully deflected? It's really awkward to start explaining, "Sorry, I'm an observant Jew, and we traditionally avoid contact with the opposite gender..." while the poor woman just stands there, not knowing what to do with her outstretched arm.

Answer 1

I have heard from my father that my great-grandfather zal, when (in the 1920s) he moved to the States and got a job as rabbi in Canonsburg, Penna., was approached by the women in shul after t'fila Shabas morning with hands outstretched, and promptly acquired the custom of raising his hat.

Answer 2

Aside from simply giving a short explanation as to why you wont shake hands (which itself can cause people to become offended no matter how polite you are about it), there is not much else you can do that isn't deceitful (claiming sickness) or just weird (bowing, accidentally missing). If you are going to follow the ruling that under no circumstances can you shake hands with the opposite gender, then this is a price that you will have to pay. Sorry.

Answer 3

I personally saw that my Rosh Yeshiva, Rabbi Azriel Chaim Goldfein ZT"L, a talmid muvhak (close student) of Rav Mordechai Gifter would shake the hand of any woman who extended her hand to him in greeting.

I never had the guts to question him on this, but my presumption is that he weighed the prohibition on touching a woman, which is Rabbinic if not sensual touch, against the prohibition against embarrassing a person (especially in public), which is a Torah prohibition.

Answer 4

In my and others' experience, the reaction to a refusal to shake hands varies depending on the person, from offense to awkwardness to amusement to respectfulness. Perhaps as tactful as you can get is to do the following:

• Apologize and explain: "I'm sorry, but religiously, I try to avoid unnecessary contact with women (other than my wife)." No need to go further than that. It may help the awkwardness to acknowledge the fact that the situation is indeed awkward. Perhaps say, "I apologize for the awkwardness, but..."
• Be respectful. This shows that the handshake refusal has nothing to do with lack of respect for women. A smile and lots of eye contact help in this regard.
• Keep your right hand busy with something. Even with your explanation, it is awkward to have her arm outstretched with your hand right there not doing anything. Be holding a briefcase or other item, or be holding onto a door handle, or at least have your hand in your pocket.

It is important not to be embarrassed by the situation; a certain amount of confidence is necessary. Explain your refusal to shake hands the same way someone would explain their allergy to peanuts after being offered some by a friend. After that, you can only hope for the best and that she will be understanding.

Answer 5

Once meeting a potential client, the director (female) extended her hand to shake, I quickly pulled a business card from my pocket and gave it to her, it worked but when leaving she wanted to shake my hand again, I simply said I'm sorry and she quickly understood. maybe my black suit and black kipa helped (can't remember if I had my hat also). In any case people willing to understand will understand easily without much explanation.

also when meeting a bank manager she wanted to shake her hands, I simply said I'm sorry.

A rabbi from habad (meaning he works with kiruv and often meets jews with no clue) told me once a lady wanted to shake hands with him, he then put both hands in his heart and said he could give her his heart

There's no magic formula, on each situation you'll need to think quickly, in a business setting you need to be very careful to not harm the relations but of course the other side is careful too, so usually people are comprehensible and don't ask much.

Answer 6

I've heard that a certain prominent Rosh Yeshiva flashes a smile and says, "Oh, that's not necessary!" This won't work for all people and in all situations, however.

Having a business card ready to hand over (as mentioned by Avraham and Ariel) is a more generally useful idea. Rav Lazer Brody reportedly uses halvah bars, as humorously recounted here.

Answer 7

Sometimes giving a smile and saying "I'll take your word for it" works nicely.

Answer 8

I read a book for bale t'shuva (Jews who come to Judaism after some time without it) on how to deal with women's hands at social events and it recommended having a drink in one hand an a plate of herring in the other.

Answer 9

If you know that you would be in such a situation, inform the woman, who may be trying to shake hands with you, beforehand, to avoid problems.

During my service in Israeli army I attended an order where I was supposed to shake hands with one female lieutenant colonel in presence of other high-rank commanders. I informed her about my problem beforehand, and we made a slight mutual bow instead. Nobody suspected a violation of rules.

I understand that in Israel people are more informed about the problem then in other countries, but anyway, sometimes this could be workable.

Answer 10

Tell her I only shake hands with unattractive women

Answer 11

• You can offer to follow the Japanese custom of bowing.
• If you're holding an object, you can offer that, so at least she'll have something to shake (or take).
• You can try to shake her hand, but miss. Just make it look accidental.

Ok, these may not actually work in practice. If you follow the machmir views, it will create an awkward situation. That is why many are meikel.

Answer 12

I am a white male, and I had this happen to me recently, where I met a woman in a business setting who politely told me, "I don't shake hands for religious reasons". I had never heard this before, but it did not faze me in the least. She was polite in every other way that she treated me. No Problem!

Answer 13

"Oh, I think I've come down with something: you don't want to shake my hand."

Won't work repeatedly with the same person.