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Eventually, one is required to get married. In the process of selecting a marriage partner, what are important topics to discuss in the dating process? In particular, I'm looking for topics that will help ascertain if two people are compatible for marriage... Also, do seforim talk about these topics? Or is it a matter of common sense? Please include sources for your answer(s). |
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First off: make sure you're not both carriers for a recessive disease such as Tay-Sachs or Canavan. You can do this through Dor Yeshorim (in which case you're simply told "no conflict"), or can see a geneticist to actually find out what you carry. (Some people prefer not to have that burden.) It's important to make sure you're on the same page about finances, and can manage conflict. If either side tries to get out of signing the Beis Din of America prenup, run. Similarly, to quote Rabbi Yitzchak Breitowitz (who wrote a book on contemporary Agunah conflicts): "it's not a fun question, but ask yourself -- how would this person and I deal with each other if we were going through a divorce?" Now usually people are dewy-eyed and can't possibly imagine a problem coming up, so an alternative formulation of this suggested by a friend of mine is: "see how this person deals with their enemies." |
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"You can recognize a person's real character by his wine cup (koso), his purse (kiso), and his anger (kaaso)." (Eruvin 65b) I don't advise getting drunk, but the point is that to know someone you must test that person in different situations. It's not enough to talk things over. Take the person to different situations and test them out in their midos (how are they when desire for something hits, or are they stingy vs. generous, are they controlling? Are they easy going?) Excessive anger is a big no-no in marriage. I would avoid an anger prone person like the plague. Also, a big no-no is a controlling person who is rigid and insists on having his or her way. The Talmud says 3 people cry and are not answered, one of them is he who whose wife rules over him. (Bava Metzia 75) It also says a man should never cast undue fear over his household (Gittin 6b) and that a man must be very careful with troubling his wife, for her tears come quickly. (Bava Metzia 59a) Bottom line I'm trying to say, is that midos plays a crucial role in marriage, and to research these requires seeing the person in different situations; it's not enough to talk things over. Obviously, it's important to talk also to find common interests, religious speed, family issues, etc. But as the Talmud says, to find the real character of the person requires seeing them in different/difficult situations. |
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