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What does it say about chibuk and nishuk (kissing and hugging) shelo b'shas tashmish (not during relations) with one's wife in Sifrei Halacha or Hashkafa?

Among madrichei chassanim (those that teach someone about getting married) there are different derachim (ways of teaching) in this regard (especially between litvish and chassidish.) However I'm curious to know if this is spoken about at all in Sifrei Halacha or Hashkafa especially from earlier sources (not necessarily new seforim however that would also be a valuable source in this discussion.)

Much of the time what I heard those that discourage it is because of the possibility that one will come to be motzei zera l'vateleh. As well as other points of one's level of "Kedusha" (Holiness) etc.

While this point is something that each person needs to work out for himself and to be discussed with a Rabbi or Mashpia, Madrichei Chassanim, etc still I'm looking rather for sources on the issue.

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up vote 15 down vote accepted

There's an Igros Moshe about it where Rabbi Moshe Feinstein makes absolutely clear that it is appropriate for one to hug and kiss one's wife (in a private setting) during any time of the month in which it is allowable. (If someone has a serious problem with premature ejaculation they should get therapy.)

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Please if you could find the exact location of the teshuva and update the answer. Thanks! – Yehoshua Jan 16 '13 at 10:00
Are you referring to this teshuva - hebrewbooks.org/pdfpager.aspx?req=921&st=&pgnum=132 ? – Yehoshua Jan 16 '13 at 13:01
"any time of the month it is allowable" from what I know it is a diorisa to hug and kiss your wife that is a nida, you probably meant any time of day, premature ejaculation is not the problem by nida but penetration is, – hazoriz Jan 6 at 17:10
@hazoriz, Reread the answer: "it is appropriate... to hug... [during] any time of the month [in which] it is allowable". Shalom, can you please revert the edit if it was mistaken, or confirm that it was correct? – msh210 Jan 8 at 18:15
@msh210 yes thanks. I meant "as long as she's not a nida." – Shalom Jan 8 at 19:33

Pischei Teshuva Y.D. 184 #22 quotes the Even Shoham as saying that even though it is forbidden to cohabit with one's wife at the time of her expected menstruation (סמוך לוסתה),

מכל מקום מותרת לטבול אפילו בליל שבת אף שאין זקוק לה בעלה כיון דכל מיני קורבא שרי רק תשמיש אסור ושאר מיני קורבא נמי מצוה

...in any event, it is permissible for her to immerse, even on Shabbos night (when there are issues with going to mikveh for no reason), even though her husband will not cohabit with her, since all other types of closeness besides for relations are permitted, and all other types of closeness are also a mitzvah

The Maharam of Lublin responsum #53 (cited in Shach Y.D. 197:3) says the same thing, and is more implicit of the general nature of this idea (as opposed to a mikvah-evening related idea)1.

1 The Maharam Lublin first goes to prove from various sources that the halachic concept of making one's wife happy extends to "other forms of closeness", and then writes that these other forms of closeness are included in Rava's general injunction to make one's wife happy (Pesachim 72b), which applies at all times of the month, independently from the mitzvah of reproduction and any onah obligation, as is clear in the Gemara there.

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Is he saying they are a Mitzva specifically in the context of Friday night or Mikva night (some sort of fulfillment of an Onah then even without Tashmish (like פוקדה בדברים)) or even in general? – Double AA Jan 10 at 15:05
@DoubleAA I looked up the teshuva today, and it's rather dispositive - all of the discussion happens to be about going to mikveh when relations are forbidden, so it isn't so clear if that is the driving motivation. I may look again tomorrow and go through it more carefully if I have a chance. – Y ez Jan 12 at 4:21
+1 see files.ctctcdn.com/49c02d16001/… for a related application (I don't know how she would do Chafifa) – Double AA Feb 9 at 20:51

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