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If somebody has repeatedly wronged me (in the same way) in the past, am I obligated to keep forgiving him if he asks? On the one hand, maybe this time he finally is really doing teshuva; on the other hand, there's a track record. What happens if I decline?

I'm not asking for a ruling, of course, but rather sources that should inform the decision.

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2 Answers

up vote 5 down vote accepted

Yoma 87 explains how to properly ask for forgiveness. The offender must go with three friends to the offended, and publicly ask for forgiveness.

If the offended does not want to grant forgiveness, this process is repeated a second, and if needed, a third time.

After the third time, the offender need not ask for forgiveness again - and the offended has transgressed the prohibition of holding a grudge!

So - if the person who is repeatedly transgressing against you isn't admitting his sin in front of friends and asking you for forgiveness, you don't have to forgive him. If this person is not well versed in Gemara, explain that this public admission and sincere request for forgiveness is what you need in order to forgive, and nothing less.

(If the person is willing to shame him/herself publicly by admitting the trangression and publicly asking in a contrite way for forgiveness, that's a fairly decent indication that the person really regrets his/her actions).

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Thank you! I did not know that the request was supposed to be public. Almost all of the requests for forgiveness that I have been part of (on either side) have been private. – Monica Cellio♦ Jan 15 '12 at 21:26
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To clarify - you are ALLOWED to forgive anyone at anytime, whether or not they ask you, and whether or not they ask you publicly. However, you haven't violated "don't take revenge" until the offender has followed the process above on three separate days, and you STILL don't forgive him/her after the third time. – user1095 Jan 15 '12 at 21:31
up vote 5 down vote

Check the prayers found in most Machzors before Kol Nidrei; here it is from this one (conjugated in the plural, but I'm used to seeing it in the singular; emphasis added):

Image with text from prayers

I hereby absolutely forgive anyone who has harmed me, other than money I can still claim by law, or those who harm me figuring that I'll forgive them. Other than those, I completely forgive, and may no person be punished because of me.

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Wow, I need a new machzor. I've never seen that part, though I insert something like it because blanket forgiveness no matter what seems wrong to me. – Monica Cellio♦ Sep 28 '11 at 17:55
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I would make a distinction between someone who sins on the basis of getting forgiveness and a repeat offender. I do lots of bad stuff that I asked Hashem to forgive me for, but do it again. You don't have to forgive anyone, but it is praiseworthy to do so and, hopefully Hashem will reciprocate in the same way toward us. – YDK Sep 28 '11 at 18:16
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And Highly advisable too as we all are repeat offenders against Hashem and he treats us as we treat his children – simchastorah Sep 28 '11 at 18:54
Thank you again for this helpful answer. The recently-added answer from @Will explains what a person actually has to do (if pressed) to ask forgiveness, which if followed reduces the likelihood of getting into the original bind. So I've accepted that one. – Monica Cellio♦ Jan 17 '12 at 20:51

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